Sunday, February 25, 2018

In anticipation of celebrating the Olympic Closing Ceremony, two Russian athletes tested positive for Viagra. The weirdest part? They were women.

Ivanka Trump will be at the Winter Olympics Closing Ceremonies. There’s no truth to the rumor the shirtless Tonga guy is missing and Ivanka tested positive for coconut oil.

Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, told TMZ she will not make a Donald Trump parody porn. But they had a title picked out: “Comb-over to My Place.” 

Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, told TMZ she will not make a Donald Trump parody porn. They could not come up with a name. “Beauty and the Beast” has been taken.

Russia, not allowed to compete in the Olympics due to cheating, had athletes deemed clean competing unattached. And yet two Russian athletes still cheated. Which explains the Russian National Motto: Bez truda ne vytaschish. Which translated means: If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

It is the one-year anniversary of discovering an old ship buried in the sands of Santa Barbara. To give you an idea how old the ship is, the name is the USS Larry King.

It is the one-year anniversary of discovering an old ship buried in the sands of Santa Barbara. To give you an idea how old the ship is, it was involved in the 1812 Battle Of the USS Cher.

Since you asked:

As great a story as Estor Ledecka is, the Czech snowboarder who borrowed Mikaela Shiffrin’s skis to win the gold in the Super-G and won gold in the snowboard slalom, it does not bode - or Bode - well for my argument that much of the winter Olympic events may lack depth. 

As I wise-cracked earlier, Estor winning is like a sports photographer running to take a picture of the finish line and winning the gold medal in the 100 meters. 

Less sarcastically, Estor Ledecka’s story is the summer Olympics equivalent of a pole vaulter trying out the 400 meters for fun and winning the gold medal. But in this case, I am willing to give the credit to Estor rather than lack of skier depth.

The depth in regular skiing is no doubt deep. My good friend has a son who is competitive in skiing on the collegiate level and that kid is a great athlete who can flat out fly on skis with no fear.  He spends his summers with the National Junior team skiing in Chili and his winters in Vermont and Mammoth. 

On the other hand, the US has another Estor Ledecka itself in Erin Jackson who was competing despite having never speed skated until four months ago. Obviously Erin is a gifted athlete. But how hard can any sport be if someone is Olympic caliber after doing it four months?

When I was at Long Beach State, we had a German Olympic silver medalist training us in the Decathlon. His silver medal was in the four-man bobsled. Because he, like all decathletes and running backs, had a huge power-to-weight ratio. He was strong as a a bull and could sprint a 4.5 or faster 40 and then his 195 pounds added needed weight going down the run. 

But this German guy was candid about almost being embarrassed about how easy it was to get a bobsled medal. Especially when compared to the competition in the Decathlon. 

(Do not get me started again how the world’s greatest athlete, Decathlete, Ashton Eaton, has two Olympic medals and Michael Phelps has 28. Clearly, Phelps is a great athlete, but a lot of the swimmers I knew in high school, if you threw them a ball, it would hit them in the head) 

It doesn’t take long to listen to the announcer list the current residency of snowboard and skiing half-pipe competitors to figure out they all live within a cheap Uber ride of a halfpipe. And they’re are not that many quality halfpipes in the US. Less in Europe. Most of the competitors are from Mammoth and Park City with a few Steamboat Springs thrown in for fun.

All of the luge, skeleton and bobsled competitors live near a luge/skeleton/bobsled track. Most US competitors near Lake Placid, New York.

Like with the non-stoner events in skiing, downhill, Super-G, Giant Slalom and Slalom, clearly there is also depth in figure skating. All you have to do is look at what these amazing athletes are doing to know they are the cream of a huge crop. 

(What crop results in cream, by the way?)  

On the other hand, some of the winter Olympics events remind me of stuff we invented after school in Winnetka, Illinois, to keep us from being bored. The short track speed skating relay is just a prison break on ice. Slope style skiing and snowboarding had to be invented on a drunken/stoned bet;

“Dude, check it out, after you ride the rails - no, seriously, hand rails are built in on the course - you have to go over one of the jumps backwards. No, stop laughing, I am serious.”

And let’s not forget the rich California girl, Elizabeth Sweeney, who paid her way onto the Hungarian ski team in the halfpipe. One little problem: she can barely ski. Here she is in the Olympics skiing down the center of the halfpipe, no jumps, no turns.

Imagine someone paying their way onto the Hungarian Olympic track team and long jumping 13 feet. 

There are tracks, tennis courts, basketball courts, baseball fields, football fields and swimming pools all over the world. Not so much half-pipes and slope-style runs and bobsled courses. 

Except for rich kids named Cooper and Ashley. 

Now the Biathlon? That is a whole different story. You simply have to admire the guts, guile and sand of anyone who can cross country ski and carry a rifle who has the discipline not to shoot the guy - or gal - in front of them.