Saturday, December 16, 2017

An Apology - Judge Roy Bean Style

Friday, December 15, 2017

For Christmas a few years ago, George Clooney gave each of his best 14 friends $1 mil each. Said a snubbed old friend of Clooney's in Kentucky; 

"Why did I have to say he looked like a lesbian mad scientist?"  

Day After Day - Badfinger

Very George Harrison sounding. He produced it.

Skimpy, skimpy, scap, scap, skooo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is the one-year anniversary of when Cornell scientists invented a robot hand that is warm, soft and sensitive. The scientists names are Lonely McLonelyface and Hugh B. Dateless.

The warm, sensitive and soft robot hand is now one-year-old. Too young even for Roy Moore.

Dear Saturday Night Live:

Bring back Beck Bennett's baby-body man, only as Donald Trump. Have Baby Donald throw a tantrum when they give him updates about Roy Moore's election and the Mueller investigation and finally give him his iPhone like a pacifier. 

Do I have to think of everything?

Disney is buying Fox Studios, but is not interested in “Fox News.” “Fox News” is calling Disney’s purchase fake accrues. 

Facebook now has a sleeper button that allows you to put members on hold for 30 days. Using the Facebook sleeper button also automatically makes you eligible for the Passive Aggressive Hall of Fame.

The headline reads: “Carlos Santana signs with Philadelphia for $60 mil.” Which I thought sounds like a lot, but not if he gets Rob Thomas and plays “Smooth.” 

A construction site in Los Angeles discovered a fossil from the ice age. The ice age was known as the Quaternary Period or also the Larry Kingasoaic Period.

For Christmas in 2013, George Clooney gave his 14 best friends $1 mil. each. How awkward for his one friend who got George a Chia Pet? 

George Clooney once gave his 14 best friends $1 mil. each for Christmas. And for his 15th friend, George got him a “Guess You Should Have Picked Me For Baseball In 8th Grade” sweatshirt.

The guy in charge of investigating sexual misconduct in congress, Omar Ashmawy, has been accused by many women of sexual harassment. Congress cannot keep it in their pants when they’re looking for guys who cannot keep it in their pants.

The FCC voted down net neutrality. Hopefully this will not affect me much or Carl, the hamster that powers my wheel-modem.

A NASA scientist says earth is overdue for an asteroid hit that we will not survive. Finally some good news for Cleveland Browns fans.

The FCC voted down net neutrality which means we will soon be paying more for the internet. The FCC chairman is named Ajit Pai, which in Hindi means Smiling Douche-Bag.

The good news? You won the office Ugly Holiday Sweater contest. The bad news? You just wore your Cleveland Browns sweater.

Facebook now has a sleep button that allows you to put tiresome members on hold for 30 days. This is a godsend during the NCAA basketball tournament if you have Duke or Kentucky friends.

Since you asked:

Saw the "Hollywood Scandal" Charles Manson version and it was really good. They confirmed lightly what I claimed about Manson's deep '68 LA music scene connection. 

One thing that I had not noticed before is, while they said Neil Young was a big fan of Manson's, they did not mention he lived with them at the Spahn Ranch and wrote "Cowgirl in the Sand" and "Cinnamon Girl" in honor of two of the Manson women.

Oh, and here is another connection between Manson and the rock world I did not know.  Manson became friends of Phil Kaufman in Terminal Island prison. Kaufman, like Neil Young, was genuinely impressed by Manson's singing and song writing and referred Manson to a producer. Kaufman instructed Manson to have a clean and strong set to showcase to the producer, but Manson decided to wing it and the producer did not like it. 

Kaufman went on to manage the Flying Burrito Brothers and Graham Parsons. Kaufman was the guy who stole Parsons's body at the LA airport and burned it an Joshua Tree. 

Kaufman was almost a full-blown Manson family member. Kaufman said he slept with more mass murderers than anyone in Hollywood. Besides Neil Young.

But, what I had not noticed before is, after the Spahn Ranch, then the Mansons moved to Barker Ranch. Neil wrote in "Sugar Mountain," "Oh to live on Sugar Mountain, with the barkers and the colored balloons." Sugar mountain and colored balloons are cocaine and heroin references. 

Basically, Glenn Frey was a more polite and better networking version of Charles Manson. Charlie Manson was about to have a documentary made about him by star-maker, Terry Melcher, but Manson stomped a drunk stunt man half-to-death in front of Melcher at the Spahn Ranch scaring Melcher away forever.

Until Charlie Manson, fame in the US was a reward for talent. The only people famous were talented singers or movie stars. Charlie Manson became the first in the US for being famous for being evil. 

Fame should have died along with Sharon Tate on the awful hot August night in Los Angeles in 1969. But it did not. Fame got extended to the awful, like Charles Manson and OJ Simpson and the Kardashians and the Jenners and, well, the Kardashians. 

The Jenners and the Kardashians did not kill anyone, you say? Not true of Bruce Jenner in Malibu. And the rest of the Jenners and the Kardashians have killed a little thing in this country called shame, self respect and pride.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

The journal, “Intelligence,” claims highly intelligent people tend to have attention deficit disorder. The study went on to say, oh, hey, is tonight “Thursday Night Football”?

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

George Clooney once gave his 14 best friends $1 mil each for Christmas. That story is so touching, I had to tell my daughter, Georgia Clooney Kaseberg.

“The Apprentice” star, Omarosa, has quit her job as an aide to the White House. That’s like Kim Kardashian quitting your think tank.

“The Apprentice” star, Omarosa, has quit her job as an aide to the White House. To which the rats in the White House said, “Dudes, start packing.” 

Anderson Cooper claims somebody hacked his twitter account calling Trump a tool. That story again. Anderson Cooper wakes up after drunk tweeting and regrets it.

Roy Moore showed up to vote on his horse, Sassy. Sassy is short for the Cherokee word Sassakewsass, which means, “You are screwed.” 

Roy Moore’s wife, Kayla, said they don’t hate Jews because one of their lawyers is a Jew. That’s like saying you’re not racist because the guy who did your swastika tattoo was a Puerto Rican.

Since you asked:

Billy Joel Is An Evil Troll

While the list of vile bastards in rock and roll is too lengthy to mention, alone and at the top forever is Ted Nugent. 

Nugent’s sadistic abuse of underpaid sidemen alone would make him worthy of such a title, but his adopting a 17-year-old girl so he could have sex with her and then bragging about in his song, “Jailbait,” and the sexual arousal he brags about from slaughtering harmless animals makes Nugent the Roy Moore of rock. 

And Nugent’s music sucks. Well, besides "Stranglehold." 

But after watching a Netflix documentary on legendary rock sidemen called “Hired Guns,” that spot of vilest bastard could be in jeopardy from the Piano Man himself, Billy Joel.

And Billy Joel's music sucks. Well, besides "Piano Man."

Billy Joel is definition of a man with terminal short man’s disease. Billy Joel is a lounge lizard piano player who has a knack for writing annoyingly catchy tunes. Anyone ever doubts the power of music over women, just look at that tiny troll’s ex wives. 

Billy Joel is also the definition of a swelled head. In interviews it is obvious Billy Joel thinks he is Mozart.  

The abuse Joel heaped on his sidemen was Nugent-esque, suing them when he sued his record company for $90 million and then firing them afterwards after being with him for 20 years. That abuse caused one his childhood buddy sidemen to kill himself.

And after firing his band after 20 years, he refused to even call them to tell them citing the reason for not calling, “I am Billy Joel.”

When Joel's drummer, Liberty DiVitto, came crawling back because he had to support his family, Joel signed him at the minimum $500 a week. And then Joel kicked Liberty off the band jet so he could use DiVitto's seat to prop up his tiny little troll feet.

After abusing him for 30 years, Joel fired DiVitto because he had the audacity of asking Joel for a raise.

Do not go to a Billy Joel concert no matter how stoned you are. He is an evil midget who has taken over the body of Mr. French from “Family Affair.”  

And his music sucks. Besides "Piano Man." 

The documentary, "Hired Guns," was at once interesting, depressing and informative. Good to know there is a field harder to make a living in then comedy writing. 

It proves what I have learned, it is tough when you're trying to make it in a profession where people will literally do it for free. A scant few got lucky and hit the band lottery. Most flamed out.

What was amazing was the depth of musical talent. When a hot band needed a great musician, and I mean great, not good, there was no room for good, there were literally thousands in every instrument to choose from. The choice came down to how well they performed on stage and got along with the superstar in the studio and the road. 

It is amazing the chasm in technical skills between a session musician and a rock star passing themselves off as a musician. Don Felder, a great guitarist, was shocked to join the Eagles and discover Glenn Frey, who considered himself a guitarist, could not play certain chords on the guitar. That's like someone claiming to be a writer but who doesn't know all of the alphabet.

Blues legend, BB King, cannot even play chords. He only plays lead solo single notes.

So if even the most talented musicians passed the difficult tests of being a good showman on stage and not farting too much on the tour bus, their life was mostly hand-to-mouth. 

They lived like Kings on the road, food, booze, luxury hotels, jets, women, all free. (Like Dire Straits said, "Money for nothing and your chicks for free")

But once they got off the road, they went through their $500 a week pretty damn fast. Most did not have a piece of the recording profits.  

Like the gypsies they were, they had to get back on the road to live.

But have they ever written a joke that was told to the Nobel Peace Prize Award Ceremony in Oslo? No? Well call me when you do, Home-Twizzler. 

(My amazingly insightful  take on Trump's election chances on July 18th, 2015) 

Anyone who thinks Donald Trump ruined his chances to become president because he insulted John McCain’s bravery is dead wrong.

Donald Trump never had a chance to be president. Ever. "The Huffington Post" was right to only cover Trump as an entertainer and not a viable candidate.

As US citizens, we may have a lot of faults. But we were never, ever going to elect a bloated, orange clown like Trump to be president. The reason Trump was leading in the polls – even at a paltry 16% - is because he is so damn entertaining.

Selfishly, as a comedy writer, I truly hoped Trump would have lasted much longer. As much as I detest Trump, even I could not have predicted The Donald stepping on his Trump this fast.

There may be others in this country so pompous, arrogant and ignorant they would run for president as a republican and then brutally insult the bravery of the top republican war hero, John McCain.

But only Donald Trump is pompuos, arrogant and ignorant enough to A, do it in the first place and then B, to lie about it and C, deny he owes McCain an apology.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, to paraphrase the great writer, Dan Jenkins referencing Tiger Woods six years ago: 

Donald Trump is graveyard dead.

12-13-17 (Wow, I sure can pick 'em, can't I? This is the same guy who stood in front of my Manhattan apartment on 123 West 3rd in 1983 and proclaimed to my friends that neither Madonna nor rap music would last another year) 

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

I'll Take You There - Staple Singers

Monday, December 11, 2017

Play your, play your piano now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. In addition, Batali’s restaurants have cancelled their rump roast specials.

It is the seventh anniversary of when a Wisconsin woman bit off half of her husband’s tongue. When asked how they’re doing, the man said, “We’re not on thpeaking termth.” 

“60 Minutes” featured a segment on Alexei Navalny, the Russian man running against Vladimir Putin. 60 minutes is also about how long Navalny has to live.

“60 Minutes” featured a segment on Alexei Navalny, the Russian man running against Vladimir Putin. Which is a brave thing to do when you consider the track record of Putin’s adversaries and, yeah, Navalny is dead.

Alabama Senate candidate, Roy Moore, announced he will be riding his horse to vote. Which is probably better than him driving his Ice Cream truck to the polls.

By the way, Moore's horse's name is R. Kelly.

It is the seventh anniversary of when a Wisconsin woman bit off half of her husband’s tongue. Or as the victim calls it, “The theventh anniverthary.” 

Celebrity chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. Batali is in serious hot water, but only for 11-12 minutes.

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. The charges are even worse than his wearing orange Crocs with socks and cargo shorts. 

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. Not surprising when you discover Batali is Italian for Weinstein.

Chef, Mario Batali, has stepped down due to sexual misconduct allegations. Not surprising when you discover Batali was not one to duck breasts.

Since you asked:

With the possible exceptions of nice guys Charlie Rose and  Al Franken, most of the celebrities accused of serial sexual harassment all had world-class reputations for being utterly contrary assholes and raving egomaniacs. 

Of course the rapists Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein were famous dick-heads, but also Ben Affleck, Dustin Hoffman, Matt Lauer, Jeremy Piven and now Mario Batali. 

Ass-wipes all. A veritable who's who of pompous, insufferable malcontents. 

Unchecked ego and sexual harassment it would seem tend to go, excuse me, hand-in-hand.

Again, this does not happen as much in the real world of business. Most people who succeed at real jobs have to do it by getting along with people. 

But entertainers and politicians, like the Bills Cosby and Clinton, just have to sell tickets or get votes. Outrageous behavior is seen as a by-product of talent.

What shocks me is that other world class Hollywood douche-bags, like Chris Brown, Justin Beiber, Sean Penn and Val Kilmer, have not come up in this new era of sexual harassment. 

Of course Penn beating his wife, Madonna, with a baseball bat and Chris Brown beating Rihanna senseless still counts for a lot. 

It just makes you wonder, what famous person who crafted a public persona of being silly and nice, but has a reputation for being a putz behind the curtain, will be accused next?