Wednesday, December 13, 2017

“The Apprentice” star, Omarosa, has quit her job as an aide to the White House. That’s like Kim Kardashian quitting your think tank.

“The Apprentice” star, Omarosa, has quit her job as an aide to the White House. To which the rats in the White House said, “Dudes, start packing.” 

Anderson Cooper claims somebody hacked his twitter account calling Trump a tool. That story again. Anderson Cooper wakes up after drunk tweeting and regrets it.

Roy Moore showed up to vote on his horse, Sassy. Sassy is short for the Cherokee word Sassakewsass, which means, “You are screwed.” 

Roy Moore’s wife, Kayla, said they don’t hate Jews because one of their lawyers is a Jew. That’s like saying you’re not racist because the guy who did your swastika tattoo was a Puerto Rican.

Since you asked:

Billy Joel Is An Evil Troll

While the list of vile bastards in rock and roll is too lengthy to mention, alone and at the top forever is Ted Nugent. 

Nugent’s sadistic abuse of underpaid sidemen alone would make him worthy of such a title, but his adopting a 17-year-old girl so he could have sex with her and then bragging about in his song, “Jailbait,” and the sexual arousal he brags about from slaughtering harmless animals makes Nugent the Roy Moore of rock. 

And Nugent’s music sucks. Well, besides "Stranglehold." 

But after watching a Netflix documentary on legendary rock sidemen called “Hired Guns,” that spot of vilest bastard could be in jeopardy from the Piano Man himself, Billy Joel.

And Billy Joel's music sucks. Well, besides "Piano Man."

Billy Joel is definition of a man with terminal short man’s disease. Billy Joel is a lounge lizard piano player who has a knack for writing annoyingly catchy tunes. Anyone ever doubts the power of music over women, just look at that tiny troll’s ex wives. 

Billy Joel is also the definition of a swelled head. In interviews it is obvious Billy Joel thinks he is Mozart.  

The abuse Joel heaped on his sidemen was Nugent-esque, suing them when he sued his record company for $90 million and then firing them afterwards after being with him for 20 years. That abuse caused one his childhood buddy sidemen to kill himself.

And after firing his band after 20 years, he refused to even call them to tell them citing the reason for not calling, “I am Billy Joel.”

When Joel's drummer, Liberty DiVitto, came crawling back because he had to support his family, Joel signed him at the minimum $500 a week. And then Joel kicked Liberty off the band jet so he could use DiVitto's seat to prop up his tiny little troll feet.

After abusing him for 30 years, Joel fired DiVitto because he had the audacity of asking Joel for a raise.

Do not go to a Billy Joel concert no matter how stoned you are. He is an evil midget who has taken over the body of Mr. French from “Family Affair.”  

And his music sucks. Besides "Piano Man." 

The documentary, "Hired Guns," was at once interesting, depressing and informative. Good to know there is a field harder to make a living in then comedy writing. 

It proves what I have learned, it is tough when you're trying to make it in a profession where people will literally do it for free. A scant few got lucky and hit the band lottery. Most flamed out.

What was amazing was the depth of musical talent. When a hot band needed a great musician, and I mean great, not good, there was no room for good, there were literally thousands in every instrument to choose from. The choice came down to how well they performed on stage and got along with the superstar in the studio and the road. 

It is amazing the chasm in technical skills between a session musician and a rock star passing themselves off as a musician. Don Felder, a great guitarist, was shocked to join the Eagles and discover Glenn Frey, who considered himself a guitarist, could not play certain chords on the guitar. That's like someone claiming to be a writer but who doesn't know all of the alphabet.

Blues legend, BB King, cannot even play chords. He only plays lead solo single notes.

So if even the most talented musicians passed the difficult tests of being a good showman on stage and not farting too much on the tour bus, their life was mostly hand-to-mouth. 

They lived like Kings on the road, food, booze, luxury hotels, jets, women, all free. (Like Dire Straits said, "Money for nothing and your chicks for free")

But once they got off the road, they went through their $500 a week pretty damn fast. Most did not have a piece of the recording profits.  

Like the gypsies they were, they had to get back on the road to live.

But have they ever written a joke that was told to the Nobel Peace Prize Award Ceremony in Oslo? No? Well call me when you do, Home-Twizzler. 

(My amazingly insightful  take on Trump's election chances on July 18th, 2015) 

Anyone who thinks Donald Trump ruined his chances to become president because he insulted John McCain’s bravery is dead wrong.

Donald Trump never had a chance to be president. Ever. "The Huffington Post" was right to only cover Trump as an entertainer and not a viable candidate.

As US citizens, we may have a lot of faults. But we were never, ever going to elect a bloated, orange clown like Trump to be president. The reason Trump was leading in the polls – even at a paltry 16% - is because he is so damn entertaining.

Selfishly, as a comedy writer, I truly hoped Trump would have lasted much longer. As much as I detest Trump, even I could not have predicted The Donald stepping on his Trump this fast.

There may be others in this country so pompous, arrogant and ignorant they would run for president as a republican and then brutally insult the bravery of the top republican war hero, John McCain.

But only Donald Trump is pompuos, arrogant and ignorant enough to A, do it in the first place and then B, to lie about it and C, deny he owes McCain an apology.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, to paraphrase the great writer, Dan Jenkins referencing Tiger Woods six years ago: 

Donald Trump is graveyard dead.

12-13-17 (Wow, I sure can pick 'em, can't I? This is the same guy who stood in front of my Manhattan apartment on 123 West 3rd in 1983 and proclaimed to my friends that neither Madonna nor rap music would last another year)