Saturday, August 05, 2017

Usain Bolt had his 2013/45 win streak broken at the World Championships in London. In a related story, Jamaica reports a severe steroid shortage.

Pablo Sandavol returning to San Francisco Giants after minor leagues. The Giants’ short-order cook goes on the DL with a stressed-out stomach. 

Caitlyn in a Trump "Make America Great Again" hat. All Caitlyn has to do now is transition from being a hypocrite.

Kendall Jenner was in a bar in Brooklyn and did not tip her bartender. Like father like daughter: no tip. 

Aids-drug-gouger, Martin Shkreli, was found guilty of security fraud and faces up to 20 years in prison. "Oh my word, proof that there is a me," said God. 

When God lets out an O.J., he locks up a Shkreli. 

Aids-drug-gouger, Martin Shkreli, was found guilty of security fraud and faces up to 20 years in prison. At the press conference, Shkreli’s attorney apologized for Shkreli’s bad people skills. An attorney is apologizing for his people skills? He must have the people skills of Jeffrey Dahmer.

Since you asked:

Martin Shkreli, Edward Snowden, Chelsea Manning, Mark Zuckerberg. You can love them. You can hate them. You can call them liars, traitors and thieves or heroes, visionaries and geniuses. One thing I know for sure: they are all world class douche-bags, dweebs and assholes. 

Thursday, August 03, 2017

Sean Spicer turned down being on “Dancing with the Stars.” He did not want to appear bush-league or that he was hedging his bets.

Donald Trump told “Sports Illustrated,” the White House is a dump. But, seriously, how long can you expect a guy to go without pooping in a gold toilet?  

50,000 rubber ducks were dumped into the Chicago River to raise money for charity. They hope to raise $250,000 dollars, the exact amount it cost to dump 50,000 rubber ducks into the river. 


“Girls” creator, Lena Dunham tweeted she was upset overhearing two American Airlines employees transphobic conversation. While the airlines' employees were upset with Lena’s trans-eavesdropping 

Lonzo Ball father, LaVar Bell, said he could have beaten Michael Jordan one-on-one, Jordan replied he could beat Bell with one leg. That made LaVar hopping mad.

Happy 40th Birthday to Tom Brady. To celebrate, Tom is going to play Pin-the-Tale on the equipment manager. 

Donald Trump is off to a 17-day vacation in New Jersey. 17 days is long. Anthony Scaramucci could get hired and fired twice in that time. 

Donald Trump is off to a 17-day vacation in New Jersey. Actually it is a 10-day vacation that, because it's in New Jersey, just seems like 17 days. 

We have found the worst way for a man to die: a 30-year-old Swedish man died during penis enlargement surgery. The best way for a man to die? During penis reduction surgery.

Faye Resnick, Nicole Simpson’s friend who detailed their cocaine use in a tell-all book, said she fears OJ Simpson’s release from prison. When told this could be another tell-all money-making opportunity, Faye Resnic is now delighted about OJ’s release.

Coyote attacks in So. Cal. are way up. It is so bad, misguided baby boomers are buying Roadrunners to protect themselves. 

A 30-year-old Swedish man died during penis enlargement surgery. The procedure to make a tiny penis look bigger than it is? It’s called a Scaramucci. 

A 30-year-old Swedish man died during penis enlargement surgery. Apparently, he asked for the Tommy Lee and his body could not handle it. 

Since you asked:

This is this week’s story about growing up in North Shore of Chicago that sounds like an urban myth, but it is not. 

My buddy’s older brother’s best friend was invited to a Lake Forest (Where Oprah and Michael Jordan lived) rich guy’s daughter’s coming out party circa 1967. Or Debutante Ball. 

The rich dad told his baby girl no expense would be spared, so he asked her what her favorite band was. She said she had two. So he said, fine, we’ll have one band play on Friday night and the other on Saturday night. She told him the names of the bands and he got his top flunky to book them for one night each. 

Before the party, the rich guy dad confided to a parent, “Man, bands have gotten expensive since we were in high school.” He thought they were just local Chicago bands. 

They were The Doors and Cream.

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Donald Trump has appointed a lot of Generals, General Kelly, General Mattis and General McMaster. And Donald's son, Eric, General Disappointment. 

The foul-tipping Chicago Cubs fan, Steve Bartman, wrongly accused of causing the 2003 NLCS loss, has been given a 2016 World Series ring. The bad news is Bartman dropped the ring and it fell down a sewer. 

Los Angeles has been awarded the 2028 Olympics. If you’re planning on driving to Los Angeles, you might want to leave now.  

Anthony Scarmucci has a smarmy press conference, gets the Chief of Staff fired, Reince Priebus, gives an on-the-record obscene interview to “New Yorker,” misses his baby’s birth and his wife divorces him and then he is fired. Good luck finding a Hallmark card for that. 

Since you asked:

Every once in a while you read a story that unexpectedly just gut-punches you. David Feherty losing his 29-year-old son to drug addiction is one of those. 

David is a talented and genuinely funny golf announcer. And like a lot of funny people I admire, he has two things in abundance: flaws and honesty. His flaws were chronicled with his victorious struggles with alcohol, which he addressed with his uncommonly open honesty.

The loss of his son to drugs has to rip open bandages of guilt for David. How much did his struggles with his own flaws affect his child? One has to hope the strength and courage David found in his struggles will continue during this new, awful fight. 

People who do not get that Trump’s statement for cops to be rough to suspects was a joke do not understand just how wrong Trump is about his being funny. 

There are a lot of people, like Trump, who think they're funny and they're not. (Some readers might say this blog's author) 

Not many of those have had paid sycophants laughing uproariously at their awful jokes for 40 years.

You almost can't blame him, but Trump genuinely thinks he is hilarious and he is dead wrong. 

Introducing the new Boy Band, Scary Spice
(From someone on Twitter) 

Monday, July 31, 2017

Sam Shepard died. He was a playwright, author, actor, musician, singer, director, horseman and teacher. Shepard was so talented, many considered him the Anti-Kardashian. 

Today is annual Wife-Carrying competition in Finland where men carry their wives over obstacles and water hazards. This is followed by the World’s Fastest Divorce competition.

Paul McCartney has a song critical about Donald Trump on his new album. Trump said Jack Lemmon was his favorite Beatle. 

At a Milwaukee Brewers game, Chris Christie got in the face of a Cubs fan who heckled him. Christie is a loud, thin-skinned bully. How has Trump not hired him?

At a Milwaukee Brewers game, Chris Christie got in the face of a Cubs fan who heckled him. Christie was booed at a Mets game, and he was criticized for going to a beach he closed. How does Christie have time to be the least popular governor in history?

Chris Christie was criticized for going to a beach he closed, he was booed at a Mets game and confronted a heckler at a Brewers game. How does someone suck at going to the beach and baseball games?

Anthony Scaramucci’s wife, Deirdre, is seeking a divorce. She is citing irreconcilable fugettaboutits.