Friday, April 14, 2017

New York Giant, Eli Manning, was complicit in selling fake game-used memorabilia. Many of the balls Eli sold he had not actually thrown for interceptions. 

After months of live-video anticipation, April the giraffe finally had her baby. No word on the name or sex. But I think we can rule out the names United, Hitler or Pepsi. 

Did you see White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, at the press conference? He was wearing a DEMH bracelet. “Don’t Ever Mention Hitler.” 

The Pentagon is getting cocky. They claim this mother-of-all-bombs put the ISIS in Crisis. 

After being charged with sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly is going on vacation. Bill O’Reilly drunk on spring break. What could possibly go wrong?

Scientists say a large asteroid will come close to the earth on April 19th. But do not worry, if it threatens earth, Kendall Jenner will offer it a Pepsi. 

After being charged with sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly is going on vacation. He’s going to Australia. At least I think that’s what he meant when he said he wants to dive down under. 

In San Diego, a decorated Navy Seal has been moonlighting as a porn star. This discovery puts him in serious jeopardy of being declared the coolest guy who ever lived. 

New York Giant, Eli Manning, is being accused of selling fake game-worn memorabilia. The only way this could be worse is if Eli grabbed a gun and tried to OJ the memorabilia back.

Ivanka Trump’s perfume is the #2 seller on Amazon’s beauty list. Not doing well? Eric Trump’s cologne Family Embarrassment.

In San Diego, a decorated Navy Seal has been moonlighting as a porn star. Thus earning him the title of the last guy you want to talk to at the high school reunion. “I’m an insurance adjuster. What do you do?” 

 Suddenly the most admired SEAL is not the guy who shot Osama Bin Laden. 

Since you asked:

Remember how Trump has used the dead cat thump repeatedly? (When people are talking about something you don’t want them to, you toss a dead cat on the table and that is what they’ll talk about. Taxes? Ban Muslims. Russia? Obama bugged me)

This bombing of Syria is a serious Russian dead cat thump. 

The bombing was feckless. The airfield was up and running the next day. And it makes it look like Trump went against Putin. At the exact perfect time it would help Trump to look like he was opposing Putin.

The whole thing could have been orchestrated by Putin. 

"Hey Poots. Trumpy here. Listen, my daughter Ivanka is up my tuchus so far I can taste peroxide  over the Syria gassing thing. How can I look president-like without pissing you off? Oh, so you had to make a hooker joke when I said pissing? Funny. The Sharyat airfield is OK to bomb? Assad won't get too piss . . . too mad?" 

Even with Putin's OK, I am pretty sure Assad Sharyat his pants when we bombed the Sharyat airbase. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

A man on a United flight from Houston to Calgary was stung by a scorpion. Finally some good news for United. 

The US is prepared to strike North Korea with missiles if they trigger a nuclear weapons test. Kim Jong Un was so upset by this, he could not finish his BBQ poodle. 

Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort received 13 health violations during a kitchen inspection. Some of the employees were not washing their hands after grabbing pussies. What? There are cats on the property. 

Yesterday Donald Trump reversed four campaign promises in one day. Trump has not spun around that much since he walked into the Miss Universe dressing room. 

Former NFL player, Louis Murphy, was arrested for carrying a loaded gun in the Tampa airport. It didn’t help Murphy’s case when he told police he needed the gun for protection when buying cocaine.

Syria’s president, Assad, claimed the video of the young victims from the gas attack were faked. Some experts feel this will not help Assad’s campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize. 


The attorney for Dr. Dao, who was dragged off of the United flight, said his client has a severe concussion. And a broken nose. And a laceration. And whiplash. Oh, and his back went out. And a severe case of PTSD. Huh? Oh, also ringing in the ears. What? Diarrhea? How the hell did you . . . ? OK, diarrhea. An STD? Come on, Dr. Dao."

Since you asked;

Politics aside, I am not exactly torn up about some wonderful American sunshine being blown up the asses of 36 ISIS terrorists. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

They are going to build a vagina museum. Bill Clinton is going to cut the ceremonial hymen.

The meeting in Russia between Sec. of State Rex Tillerson and Vladimir Putin was tense. It is so tense, Tillerson may have to have Kendall Jenner offer Putin a Pepsi.

Putin would pretend to sneeze and then say, “Ahh Pee-Pee Video.”

Melania Trump received $2.9 mil. in damages from “The Daily Mail” for accusing her of being a prostitute. The judge also denied “The Daily Mail” request that they slip the check into Melania’s garter belt. 

Astronomers believe they have found a second red spot on Jupiter. As a result, they are strongly recommending Jupiter see a dermatologist.

Excerpts from a book called “Shattered: Inside Hillary’s Doomed Campaign,” reveal there was ugly in-fighting. Mostly directed from Bill and Hillary at the staff.  It was the first time Bill chewed-out more asses than he chased.

Dr. Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator during a Miami housing tour. There was an embarrassing moment when the fireman had to yell to the brain surgeon, “You have to push one of the buttons, doctor.” 

At the Dallas Mavericks warmup, former Dallas QB, Tony Romo, sank some impressive shots. But then at the end Romo threw an interception, hurt his back and Dallas lost the warmup. 

After a few days, Russian president, Vladimir Putin, finally met with Sec. of State Rex Tillerson. It did not help that when Rex grew impatient, Putin told him to keep his shirt on.

I was out of touch. What is this I hear about Sean Spicer getting kicked off a United flight for comparing Hitler to Assad and then Kendall Jenner gives him a Pepsi? 

Excerpts from a book called “Shattered: Inside Hillary’s Doomed Campaign,” reveal there was ugly in-fighting mostly from Bill and Hillary directed at the staff. The same people shocked by this were shocked by Barry Manilow announcing he is gay.

Since you asked:

This latest Russian-US squabble has none of the historic gravitas of international titans, Kennedy-Khrushchev. It seems more like a power struggle between cocky two frat boys. Trump is the doughy rich kid who buys his friends and Putin is the scary jock from the other side of the tracks.

If there was an actual physical confrontation, Trump would wet his pants. 

And Putin would have his second Trump-peeing video.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Is it just me, or does Sean Spicer seem like the high school wrestling coach in over his head substituting for the AP Political Science class?

Ex-NFL player, Titus Young was sentenced to four years in prison for assault. The worst part? They’re flying him to his prison on United Airlines. 

After a United flight from Chicago to Louisville was overbooked, a man was dragged off the plane by security and his lip bloodied.  Said Spirit Airlines, “You stay in your lane, girl.”

There is a movement to build the first vagina museum. And no, they are not going to build the vagina museum in the town of Beaver, Utah.

Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley resigned after he used state money to cover up his affair. Anthony Weiner should run for Alabama Gov. He doesn’t cover up anything.

There is a movement to build the first Vagina museum. This sounds like a project the Trump administration might want to grab. 

After a United flight from Chicago to Louisville was overbooked, a man was dragged off the plane by police. In addition he was charged a $200 Manually Assisted Deplaning Fee. 

But after he got off the plane, Kendell Jenner offered him a Pepsi, so he’s fine.

In Caitlyn Jenner’s memoirs, “Secrets of My Life,” she reveals she had a sex changer operation. It’s bad, but all I can think about is what Jenner’s Bruce would go for on eBay.

Former NFL player, Titus Young, has been sentenced to four years in prison. It could be worse, he could be going to the Cleveland Browns.

There is an online movement to build the first Vagina museum. There is a penis museum in Iceland, but the place is a little stiff. The people are a little cocky. 

“TMZ” reports the man kicked off the United flight was a doctor who had his license revoked for selling drugs for sex. Sorry, United. Unless the guy was an assassin for Kim Jong Un, you’re not off the hook.

Since you asked:

Missed in all the United stupidity was the fact that it is a five hour drive from Chicago to Louisville if United had to get their personnel there. P.S. It is unbelievably gorgeous in Louisville this time of year. Fragrant and blossoming. 

Me? I am taking $800 and a hotel room so fast it is going to make your head spin. 

Let’s be candid. 90% of security cops - like the ones who dragged the guy off of the United flight - are total macho jerks. 

Where the hell has Kellyanne Conway gone? Kinda miss that rabid lap dog. 

It cannot be possible that I am the only person sick to death of trying to click on to a news story online and getting lost in six commercials?

Here is a good, quick rule. Can everybody stop comparing everything you don’t like to Hitler? “McDonalds did not fill my coffee all the way up. That is so Hitler.”

“Homeland” has gotten good. And I would miss the guy who plays Peter Quinn if I did not read an interview about what a dick he was. 

It never entered my mind that the banner raising at Wrigley Field would be so great, but it was. Love them or hate them politically, the Ricketts ownership of the Cubs has been tremendous for Chicago. 

In his memoirs, “The Secrets of My Life,” Caitlyn Jenner said OJ Simpson was “The most narcissistic, egocentric, neediest a--hole in the world of sports I had ever seen, and I had seen a lot of them.” Yeah, Bruce was one of them. And he was one of OJ’s friends. 

As with many things in life, it often comes down to 90%-10%. 90% of people are great. The 10% who are awful are so awful they ruin everything for everyone else. What is challenging is believing in the good 90% while guarding yourself against the bad 10%. It is hard to do both.

Spirit Airlines opened the can of worms that is making a profit by offering cheap flights and then trying to screw passengers as much as possible. United is just following up. It has created an permanent adversarial relationship between passengers and airline. 

Let's be blunt. The incident on the United flight was a serious case of dickhead-on-dickhead crime.