New York Giant, Eli Manning, was complicit in selling fake game-used memorabilia. Many of the balls Eli sold he had not actually thrown for interceptions. 

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After months of live-video anticipation, April the giraffe finally had her baby. No word on the name or sex. But I think we can rule out the names United, Hitler or Pepsi. 

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Did you see White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, at the press conference? He was wearing a DEMH bracelet. “Don’t Ever Mention Hitler.” 

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The Pentagon is getting cocky. They claim this mother-of-all-bombs put the ISIS in Crisis. 

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After being charged with sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly is going on vacation. Bill O’Reilly drunk on spring break. What could possibly go wrong?

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Scientists say a large asteroid will come close to the earth on April 19th. But do not worry, if it threatens earth, Kendall Jenner will offer it a Pepsi. 

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After being charged with sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly is going on vacation. He’s going to Australia. At least I think that’s what he meant when he said he wants to dive down under. 

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In San Diego, a decorated Navy Seal has been moonlighting as a porn star. This discovery puts him in serious jeopardy of being declared the coolest guy who ever lived. 

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New York Giant, Eli Manning, is being accused of selling fake game-worn memorabilia. The only way this could be worse is if Eli grabbed a gun and tried to OJ the memorabilia back.

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Ivanka Trump’s perfume is the #2 seller on Amazon’s beauty list. Not doing well? Eric Trump’s cologne Family Embarrassment.

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In San Diego, a decorated Navy Seal has been moonlighting as a porn star. Thus earning him the title of the last guy you want to talk to at the high school reunion. “I’m an insurance adjuster. What do you do?” 

 Suddenly the most admired SEAL is not the guy who shot Osama Bin Laden. 

Since you asked:

Remember how Trump has used the dead cat thump repeatedly? (When people are talking about something you don’t want them to, you toss a dead cat on the table and that is what they’ll talk about. Taxes? Ban Muslims. Russia? Obama bugged me)

This bombing of Syria is a serious Russian dead cat thump. 

The bombing was feckless. The airfield was up and running the next day. And it makes it look like Trump went against Putin. At the exact perfect time it would help Trump to look like he was opposing Putin.

The whole thing could have been orchestrated by Putin. 

"Hey Poots. Trumpy here. Listen, my daughter Ivanka is up my tuchus so far I can taste peroxide  over the Syria gassing thing. How can I look president-like without pissing you off? Oh, so you had to make a hooker joke when I said pissing? Funny. The Sharyat airfield is OK to bomb? Assad won't get too piss . . . too mad?" 

Even with Putin's OK, I am pretty sure Assad Sharyat his pants when we bombed the Sharyat airbase.