Saturday, November 19, 2016

Chris Christie has been dumped from Donald Trump’s transition team. Some insiders feel, after falling down, there’s a good chance Christie will bounce right back. 

Mitt Romney described his meeting with Donald Trump as “Far reaching.” “Which reminds me,” said Romney, “I need to schedule a rectal exam.”

Filming the first “Star Wars,” Carrie Fisher admitted she had an affair with Harrison Ford. And C3P0 became her gay brother from another mother. 

The NFL is unsure why TV ratings are down 14%. But for now let’s cut to the Papa John, Nationwide, GEICO analysis of all the penalties and injuries before we cut to a commercial. 

While filming “Star Wars,” Carrie Fisher said she had an affair with Harrison Ford. And let’s just say she’s really happy nobody can understand R2D2.

Stephen Hawking says the human race will be wiped out in 1,000 years unless we move to another planet.  Oh great. And I just washed my car.

He is OK, but a private plane crash-landed at Santa Barbara airport when the pilot did not put down the landing gear. This is what happens when you make marijuana legal in California.  

“People” magazine has named Duane “The Rock” Johnson as the Sexiest Man Alive. I was on the list between Newt Gingrich and one of the “The Walking Dead” zombies. 

Skier, Lindsay Vonn, who has had two broken legs and three knee surgeries, just had surgery after breaking her arm in practice. All in all, still less painful than dating Tiger Woods. 

At a college cross-country race in Pennsylvania, a runner was knocked over by a deer but still finished the race near last That’s too bad. I had bet a buck on him.

But I didn't bet a lot of doe. 

A 55-year-old man, Joe Thomas Sr., is on the South Carolina State football team. They already have plays for him called, “Back in my day.” “You punks get off my lawn.” And “Damn you, stop speeding.”

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Taco Bell is opening 9,000 new restaurants. Good news for everyone. Well, except horses. 

During the Atlanta-Philadelphia game,  the announcers said Eagle Ryan Matthews missed a game due to a sore tooth. “Oh, that’s too bad,” said the ghost of Johnny Unitas who finished a game with his front four teeth knocked out. 

Sunday was World Kindness Day. Russian president, Vladimir Putin, celebrated World Kindness Day by not having anyone assassinated. 

During their loss against Seattle, New England’s Rob Gronkowski was knocked woozy. It was a tough medical call, a groggy Gronk versus a normal Gronk is like trying to tell the difference between egg shell white and off white. 

A Neo-Nazi group has declared New Balance the official shoe of white people. Does that mean you can’t dance in them? 

Upon hearing this, New Balance asked the Neo-Nazis, “Have you seen the latest Nikes? They’re amazing.” 

Taco Bell has opened its 7,000th restaurant in Las Vegas with a VIP lounge. It is so fancy, the beef tacos are made out of 100% pure bred stallion.

During their loss against Seattle, New England’s Rob Gronkowski was knocked woozy. When they held up three fingers and Gronk said, “Two,” they knew he was OK.