Saturday, December 13, 2014

In England they staged a mass face-sitting protest against tougher porn laws. When asked to comment, one man said; “Mrrr humph errr murrmm.”

Pope Francis said dogs can go to heaven. Cats go to heaven too, just no cat people.

A while ago, two elderly men robbed a Chicago pharmacy of all of their Viagra. For stick-ups lasting over four hours, consult a physician.

Tom Cruise’s Colorado ranch is for sale for $59 million. At that price, a lot of potential buyers are going to pull a Tom Cruise and come up short.

 Since you asked:
Isn’t it fun when you find a long piece of a puzzle? For years, decades, there was something about Barbara Walters I could not put my finger on. Smart. Talented. Iconic journalist.

Then I saw her on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” and it fell right into place. The one thing I had missed: 

Barbara Walters is a straight-up bitch.

Santa Claus taught me that I would believe anything.

Even an old fat man with a long white beard who could fly through the air being pulled by reindeer - an animal that does not fly - with a sled that somehow has room for everyone’s presents in the world, land on every rooftop in the world, climb down the chimney with their presents, eat a cookie with milk and then leave, and repeat that at every other house in the world, all in one night.

I could believe all of that as long as it resulted in me getting a present.

Olivia Munn at "Letterman"

Thursday, December 11, 2014

"Seven Bridges Road"...By The Eagles

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

In Scotland, Johnnie Walker Whisky and Harris Tweed Hebrides have developed a new fabric that permanently smells like whisky. They made a shirt. It’s called “The DUI” shirt.

In response to popular demand, General Mills is bringing back French Toast Crunch cereal after an 8-year absence. Thank you, legalized marijuana.

Miley Cyrus was seen in a Miami club making-out with Paris Hilton. Now when Miley sticks out her tongue, it is to check for sores. 

Clearly Miley is up to chapter ten in the "Britney Spears Handbook."

 Since you asked:

Just saw Olivia Munn on “Letterman” and . . . holy . . . crap. She is hotter than hot. Yes, she is pretty, yes, she is beautiful, yes, she is funny. But she is much more sexy than all of that.

You can just look at her and you know you’re not getting your hotel room deposit back. Chairs, beds, walls, shower curtains will be damaged. Police will be called. Neighboring guests will go from angry to horny to angry again.

Olivia isn’t just a Woodrow-making machine, she gives weapons-grade, sixteen-year-old-this-thing-hurts-and-is-not-going-away-anytime-soon-knocking-up-against-your-desk-bottom, cat-cannot-scratch-it, attached-at-the-pelvis-like wood.

Many times my friends accuse me of exaggerating about how rude, selfish and downright dangerous the a-hole drivers are here in Carmel Valley. 

This is no lie. No exaggeration. Yesterday, I saw a woman in a huge white Mercedes SUV,  with her left foot resting on the dashboard, she had a Chihuahua on her lap, she was sipping a Starbucks cup and talking on her hand-held iPhone. 

And guess where her car was stopped at the light? You got it, in the middle of the crosswalk. 

She is why I do not drive with a gun. 

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Duchess Kate Middleton and Prince William are in New York. With all the protests, Kate and Will have to feel like they are at a wedding reception seated next to the newly divorced drunk couple:
“My mother wasss right, you were never good enough for me.”

“Your mother’s a whore.”

Entertainment now has to embrace social media and it is hard for us older dudes to keep up. LinkedIn was replaced by MySpace which was replaced by Facebook which was replaced by Twitter which was replaced by Instagram which was replaced by Yik Yak which was replaced by SlatNug. Just kidding, I just made up SlatNug. (Finger in ear) What’s that? There is now a SlatNug and it is huge?