In England they staged a mass face-sitting protest against tougher porn laws. When asked to comment, one man said; “Mrrr humph errr murrmm.”

Pope Francis said dogs can go to heaven. Cats go to heaven too, just no cat people.

A while ago, two elderly men robbed a Chicago pharmacy of all of their Viagra. For stick-ups lasting over four hours, consult a physician.

Tom Cruise’s Colorado ranch is for sale for $59 million. At that price, a lot of potential buyers are going to pull a Tom Cruise and come up short.

 Since you asked:

Isn’t it fun when you find a long piece of a puzzle? For years, decades, there was something about Barbara Walters I could not put my finger on. Smart. Talented. Iconic journalist.

Then I saw her on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” and it fell right into place. The one thing I had missed: 

Barbara Walters is a straight-up bitch.

Santa Claus taught me that I would believe anything.

Even an old fat man with a long white beard who could fly through the air being pulled by reindeer - an animal that does not fly - with a sled that somehow has room for everyone’s presents in the world, land on every rooftop in the world, climb down the chimney with their presents, eat a cookie with milk and then leave, and repeat that at every other house in the world, all in one night.

I could believe all of that as long as it resulted in me getting a present.