Saturday, June 07, 2014

Just re-watched the Belmont Stakes where California Chrome came in tied for fourth. Here is my question: after the race, what was Wilford Brimley so pissed about? 
California Chrome came up short for the Triple Crown at Belmont, but I thought all the horses ran well considering they too had to listen to Frank Sinatra Jr. butcher “New York, New York” before the race.
The best horse on this day won, Tonalist. Period. 
But for California Chrome co-owner, Steven Coburn, to go on a bitter post-race rant about it being unfair and “the cowards way out” to have to run against fresh horses was utterly classless. Sure, he was upset by the loss, but that is no excuse. 

If it is unfair for a Triple Crown contender to run against fresh horses – and it probably is - rant about it before the race. Bitterly spewing after the race was embarrassing and revealed Coburn as just an old-fashioned, cranky, poor loser. All the goodwill generated by the great story of California Chrome?  Gone. 
Now Coburn’s classless attack of Churchill Downs makes sense.

Friday, June 06, 2014

This just in: Bob Costas reveals OJ Simpson tried to call him during the slow Bronco chase:

"Hey, Bob? OJ. Listen, got an idea how you can make a killing in the ratings . . . "

This is exactly why more companies and agencies need to hire us comedy writers, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The CIA has joined Twitter with the best possible tweet:
“We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.”

Today is National Donut Day. Our fat asses need a National Donut Day like Justin Bieber needs a “Do something really stupid” day.

Have you seen the video of Barrack Obama lifting weights? The last time a president lifted something this heavy was when Bill Clinton rolled over from under Monica Lewinski.

The Chicago Cubs swept the New York Mets in a three game series. But, with both teams well below .500%, that’s like Donald Sterling scoring better than Justin Bieber in a racial sensitivity quiz.  

A Detroit man is in trouble for driving from Arizona to Michigan with his dead girlfriend in the passenger seat. He claims he did not know she had died. The sex was the same, but the nagging had gone way down.

The World Cup is a week away and it is not looking good for the preparations to be done. A spokesperson for the Brazilian World Cup released this statement: Quiere decir que se supone que es este año? Which translates to: You mean it is supposed to be this year?

Now that the CIA is on twitter and posted that awesome tweet, here are ten more suggested tweets the CIA should post:

So psyched it’s Friday. Oh, and Red Foxtail Niner, find Cochise 32. Eliminate Cochise 32, over.

Is it Margarita-thirty, or what? LOL. (In the CIA LOL stands for Lethal Operation Likely)

Remember, frowning requires more muscles than smiling. But not nearly as many muscles as killing someone with your thumbs. #FYI.

P.S. Everyone have a super weekend, except for Cochise 32, that is. His ass is grass. #ThatDudeIsSoGettingSmoked

Of course we would never use Twitter to sneak out encrypted codes. Isn’t that right, Istanbul quadrant 68? Moondoggie is mobile, over.

Don’t you hate it when someone takes the last cyanide pill from the break room without replacing it with a new canister? #Bummer

How is everyone today? Are you killing hard, or hardly killing?

When you hit an operative with a drone, are they imploding or exploding? (asking for a friend)

That rumor the CIA can spy on people through their computers is not true, (By the way, you've got some lettuce on your teeth) #Gross

Have you tried those burritos in the cafeteria? Now those are weapons of mass destruction. Am I right, people? #LightAMatch

Thursday, June 05, 2014

"Orange is the New Black" is as awesome as Crazy Eyes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York is going to lift its 15-year ban on owning a ferret. That's fine, but if they had a ban on ferrets, how has Donald Trump been allowed to have one on his head?

A study claims watching too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink. Not only that, but a study says too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink.
A study claims watching too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink. In a related story: me likes monkeys. They funny.

A study claims watching too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink. In a related story. Bedubby bedubby bedubby bedubby. (Bouncing finger off lips)

Since you asked:

Thought it couldn’t get worse than one of my rock idol’s songs being used for Cadillac commercial, Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll.”
It just got worse.

One of my rock idol’s son’s song was used for a Geico commercial. Jakob Dylan, Bob’s son, had his song “One Head Light” swiped for Geico’s motorcycle insurance. 
Go ahead and throw me in an Afghanistan prison and let the Taliban use my butt for a Bounce-house.

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

The White Stripes - 'Seven Nation Army'

A YouTube video of a 40'ish white New York woman giving a racist rant against and African American man on camera has gone viral; 
“Who is stupid enough to say the N-word on camera?” asked Justin Bieber.
Now there are two videos out of a younger Justin Bieber making racist jokes. To show how bad things are for Justin, his publicist just quit to work for Donald Sterling.
(Listen, we have all done stupid things when we were 14 and 15. Once I tried to buy a “Penthouse” magazine in front of my minister) But there is stupid and then there is “A wanna-be rapper making racist jokes on camera” stupid)

San Francisco 49er QB, Colin Kaepernick, just signed a $61 mil. deal to be the highest paid QB in the NFL. In a related story, Tim Tebow used a coupon to get a free sandwich at Subway.

People are critical of President Obama’s trade for, Bowe Bergdahl, for five notorious Taliban prisoners in Gitmo. “Hey, stay off our side of the street,” said the producers of Showtime’s “Homeland.”

The NFL announced they will drop the Roman numerals for Super Bowl 50. This comes almost two hundred years since the Italians dropped Roman numerals.
At this rate of progress, the NFL will only take another ten years to use a GPS to measure a first down instead of two guys with poles and a chain.

Unlike the team from Mexico, US coach Jurgen Klinsmann said his players are allowed to have sex during the World Cup. Well, sure, it was just a few weeks ago Jurgen screwed Landon Donovan.

Since you asked:
Now I would like to recommend a cooking combo that we so close to the Mexican border used to appreciate prior to the time when tourist’s heads ended up in different stolen vans than their bodies.
One of the many joys that used to be going down to Mexico to windsurf, besides the great wind, beautiful beaches and the kindness of the locals and hospitality of the locals*, was eating grilled lobster tacos afterwards.
In order to make your own true Mexican lobster/chicken/shrimp/carnitas tacos, a few details have to be authentic.
First, the "tacos" have to be small and soft flour. You then heat them over the grill until they are warm and have grill marks. (Takes almost no time, so stay there until they are done)
Second, you need Mexican rice. Rice a Roni makes a great box of this that I cooked in the rice cooker with chicken broth.
Third, the protein-of-choice has to be cooked over a lump oak fire. This is key.
Fourth, you need real refried beans and chopped cilantro.
 Spread the refried beans across the grill-heated flour tortilla/taco, put in the rice, the lobster/shrimp/fish/carne asada and then chopped cilantro. If you want to get super fancy, add avocado and thinly sliced red cabbage.  

Here is my impression of congress trying to order a pizza:
(In my feeble mind, I picture the republican as a tuxedo-clad, scotch-swilling "30 Rock" Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), and the democrat as a blue-jeaned, herbal tea sipping Liz Lemon (Tina Fey)

Republican: Let us support our US economy and order from an established chain like Dominoes. (Winks at the Dominoes lobbyist)

Democrat: No, we need to support family-owned small businesses and keep it local and sustainable with organic vegetables. (Winks at the tiny angel that has appeared on her shoulder) 

Republican: Damn vegan pain-in-the-ass liberals. We want lots of cheese, sausage and pepperoni. Like real, free, down-to-earth Americans. You know, the kind we republicans like to keep in poverty. 

Democrat: So you can cow-tow to the giant dairy and meat makers huge corporations and their lobbyists? Or because you are rich and can afford specialists when you have a heart attack? 

Republican: No, because meat tastes good, you annoying tree-hugger. I suppose you snotty democrats are opposed to using any American-invented food products, like pepperoni. 

Democrats: Pepperoni is from Italy, you elitist idiot. OK, fine, the pizza can have meat and cheese, as long as we exercise one hour with Michelle Obama after we eat. (By the way, that thing I just did with the meat and cheese? It's called: a compromise. Google it, Rockefeller) 

OK, so let's introduce a bill that provides more funding to local pizza makers, and once they build a brand new government-funded locally-owned, organic, sustainable pizza restaurant, we can order from them. (Winks at the other angel that pops up on her other shoulder) 

Republicans: That could take years, you smug, self-important do-gooder. Dominoes delivers in 30 freaking minutes. 30 minutes, the same time it takes you to decide which of your ten Prius' you're going to drive to save the environment. Besides, pssst, the Dominoes' lobbyist said he could get us the pizza for free. 

(I imagine Morgan Freeman. Or Bob Saget. Either could get away with playing god)

"And so, that, boys and girls,  was how, after many vetoes and much legislation, four years later, congress was able to order themselves 5,000 different pizzas from 100 different pizza shops all over the D.C. area, all on the tax-payer's dime. "

(Polite applause) 

Things I think I think I know

Wearing a "I Voted" sticker on your t-shirt on Monday? Good. Wearing the same t-shirt with the "I Voted" sticker on Thursday? Bad.

Every military base in the country is using the last episode of "Game of Thrones" to teach the importance of confirming a kill.

Life is not fair. If life was fair, I would have two buddies to play poker with nicknamed Dude the Dude and Rude Dog. (When you say Dude the Dude and Rude Dog, it kind of sounds like the riff on "Seven Nation Army." Kind of like how "Brown chicken, brown cow" sounds like a '70's porno song. 

Just watched the 24-year-old Chicago Cubs shortstop, Starlin Castro, boot a mindless two-out grounder that caused the Mets to score three runs. Apropos of nothing, at what age do you go from calling someone immature, to just plain stupid? 

There has to be a connection between the rise of entitlement and the increase in incivility. (Yes, after my mean and snotty Starlin Castro comment, I see the irony. (Cough, hypocrisy) 

Booze is the new booze.

When I was in my 20's, a man who cooked was considered, well, a little effeminate. Now I am married and know how to cook, cooking turns into the best way for a young single guy to score. Damn the timing.   

Quick, think "Born in the USA." Now know it is 30 years old today.

Had a credit card denied because some idiot did not pay the bill - me - and came within one second of being locked in the bathroom for two hours. This is officially, as Letterman would call it, a toothbrush-in-the-toilet day.

When did people under the age of 65 suddenly decide they are not going to look when they pull out of a parking spot? How does a 30-year-old woman get so lazy, turning her head is too much work? 

It has been two months, and I have still not gotten over the shock of a 20-ish, kind-of-pretty, well-dressed girl at the organic/healthy grocery store who, when it was her time to pay the cashier, pulled out her iPhone and started a random conversation with a friend, while the cashier and everyone behind her in line - including me - stood there in utter shock at her selfish rudeness. (She was not answering a call, that could be sort-of forgiven. She made the call) 

Finally she finished her deadly-dull "What are you doing? Me? Nothing. . . ." conversation, put her phone in her purse and then slowly paid with her credit card. I wish more than anything I had said to her;

"Tell your parents they did a tremendous job. And good luck with that Nobel Prize nomination." 

But I didn't.