Wednesday, June 04, 2014

A YouTube video of a 40'ish white New York woman giving a racist rant against and African American man on camera has gone viral; 
“Who is stupid enough to say the N-word on camera?” asked Justin Bieber.
Now there are two videos out of a younger Justin Bieber making racist jokes. To show how bad things are for Justin, his publicist just quit to work for Donald Sterling.
(Listen, we have all done stupid things when we were 14 and 15. Once I tried to buy a “Penthouse” magazine in front of my minister) But there is stupid and then there is “A wanna-be rapper making racist jokes on camera” stupid)

San Francisco 49er QB, Colin Kaepernick, just signed a $61 mil. deal to be the highest paid QB in the NFL. In a related story, Tim Tebow used a coupon to get a free sandwich at Subway.

People are critical of President Obama’s trade for, Bowe Bergdahl, for five notorious Taliban prisoners in Gitmo. “Hey, stay off our side of the street,” said the producers of Showtime’s “Homeland.”

The NFL announced they will drop the Roman numerals for Super Bowl 50. This comes almost two hundred years since the Italians dropped Roman numerals.
At this rate of progress, the NFL will only take another ten years to use a GPS to measure a first down instead of two guys with poles and a chain.

Unlike the team from Mexico, US coach Jurgen Klinsmann said his players are allowed to have sex during the World Cup. Well, sure, it was just a few weeks ago Jurgen screwed Landon Donovan.

Since you asked:
Now I would like to recommend a cooking combo that we so close to the Mexican border used to appreciate prior to the time when tourist’s heads ended up in different stolen vans than their bodies.
One of the many joys that used to be going down to Mexico to windsurf, besides the great wind, beautiful beaches and the kindness of the locals and hospitality of the locals*, was eating grilled lobster tacos afterwards.
In order to make your own true Mexican lobster/chicken/shrimp/carnitas tacos, a few details have to be authentic.
First, the "tacos" have to be small and soft flour. You then heat them over the grill until they are warm and have grill marks. (Takes almost no time, so stay there until they are done)
Second, you need Mexican rice. Rice a Roni makes a great box of this that I cooked in the rice cooker with chicken broth.
Third, the protein-of-choice has to be cooked over a lump oak fire. This is key.
Fourth, you need real refried beans and chopped cilantro.
 Spread the refried beans across the grill-heated flour tortilla/taco, put in the rice, the lobster/shrimp/fish/carne asada and then chopped cilantro. If you want to get super fancy, add avocado and thinly sliced red cabbage.  

Here is my impression of congress trying to order a pizza:
(In my feeble mind, I picture the republican as a tuxedo-clad, scotch-swilling "30 Rock" Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), and the democrat as a blue-jeaned, herbal tea sipping Liz Lemon (Tina Fey)

Republican: Let us support our US economy and order from an established chain like Dominoes. (Winks at the Dominoes lobbyist)

Democrat: No, we need to support family-owned small businesses and keep it local and sustainable with organic vegetables. (Winks at the tiny angel that has appeared on her shoulder) 

Republican: Damn vegan pain-in-the-ass liberals. We want lots of cheese, sausage and pepperoni. Like real, free, down-to-earth Americans. You know, the kind we republicans like to keep in poverty. 

Democrat: So you can cow-tow to the giant dairy and meat makers huge corporations and their lobbyists? Or because you are rich and can afford specialists when you have a heart attack? 

Republican: No, because meat tastes good, you annoying tree-hugger. I suppose you snotty democrats are opposed to using any American-invented food products, like pepperoni. 

Democrats: Pepperoni is from Italy, you elitist idiot. OK, fine, the pizza can have meat and cheese, as long as we exercise one hour with Michelle Obama after we eat. (By the way, that thing I just did with the meat and cheese? It's called: a compromise. Google it, Rockefeller) 

OK, so let's introduce a bill that provides more funding to local pizza makers, and once they build a brand new government-funded locally-owned, organic, sustainable pizza restaurant, we can order from them. (Winks at the other angel that pops up on her other shoulder) 

Republicans: That could take years, you smug, self-important do-gooder. Dominoes delivers in 30 freaking minutes. 30 minutes, the same time it takes you to decide which of your ten Prius' you're going to drive to save the environment. Besides, pssst, the Dominoes' lobbyist said he could get us the pizza for free. 

(I imagine Morgan Freeman. Or Bob Saget. Either could get away with playing god)

"And so, that, boys and girls,  was how, after many vetoes and much legislation, four years later, congress was able to order themselves 5,000 different pizzas from 100 different pizza shops all over the D.C. area, all on the tax-payer's dime. "

(Polite applause) 

Things I think I think I know

Wearing a "I Voted" sticker on your t-shirt on Monday? Good. Wearing the same t-shirt with the "I Voted" sticker on Thursday? Bad.

Every military base in the country is using the last episode of "Game of Thrones" to teach the importance of confirming a kill.

Life is not fair. If life was fair, I would have two buddies to play poker with nicknamed Dude the Dude and Rude Dog. (When you say Dude the Dude and Rude Dog, it kind of sounds like the riff on "Seven Nation Army." Kind of like how "Brown chicken, brown cow" sounds like a '70's porno song. 

Just watched the 24-year-old Chicago Cubs shortstop, Starlin Castro, boot a mindless two-out grounder that caused the Mets to score three runs. Apropos of nothing, at what age do you go from calling someone immature, to just plain stupid? 

There has to be a connection between the rise of entitlement and the increase in incivility. (Yes, after my mean and snotty Starlin Castro comment, I see the irony. (Cough, hypocrisy) 

Booze is the new booze.

When I was in my 20's, a man who cooked was considered, well, a little effeminate. Now I am married and know how to cook, cooking turns into the best way for a young single guy to score. Damn the timing.   

Quick, think "Born in the USA." Now know it is 30 years old today.

Had a credit card denied because some idiot did not pay the bill - me - and came within one second of being locked in the bathroom for two hours. This is officially, as Letterman would call it, a toothbrush-in-the-toilet day.

When did people under the age of 65 suddenly decide they are not going to look when they pull out of a parking spot? How does a 30-year-old woman get so lazy, turning her head is too much work? 

It has been two months, and I have still not gotten over the shock of a 20-ish, kind-of-pretty, well-dressed girl at the organic/healthy grocery store who, when it was her time to pay the cashier, pulled out her iPhone and started a random conversation with a friend, while the cashier and everyone behind her in line - including me - stood there in utter shock at her selfish rudeness. (She was not answering a call, that could be sort-of forgiven. She made the call) 

Finally she finished her deadly-dull "What are you doing? Me? Nothing. . . ." conversation, put her phone in her purse and then slowly paid with her credit card. I wish more than anything I had said to her;

"Tell your parents they did a tremendous job. And good luck with that Nobel Prize nomination." 

But I didn't.