Friday, June 06, 2014

This just in: Bob Costas reveals OJ Simpson tried to call him during the slow Bronco chase:

"Hey, Bob? OJ. Listen, got an idea how you can make a killing in the ratings . . . "

This is exactly why more companies and agencies need to hire us comedy writers, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The CIA has joined Twitter with the best possible tweet:
“We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.”

Today is National Donut Day. Our fat asses need a National Donut Day like Justin Bieber needs a “Do something really stupid” day.

Have you seen the video of Barrack Obama lifting weights? The last time a president lifted something this heavy was when Bill Clinton rolled over from under Monica Lewinski.

The Chicago Cubs swept the New York Mets in a three game series. But, with both teams well below .500%, that’s like Donald Sterling scoring better than Justin Bieber in a racial sensitivity quiz.  

A Detroit man is in trouble for driving from Arizona to Michigan with his dead girlfriend in the passenger seat. He claims he did not know she had died. The sex was the same, but the nagging had gone way down.

The World Cup is a week away and it is not looking good for the preparations to be done. A spokesperson for the Brazilian World Cup released this statement: Quiere decir que se supone que es este año? Which translates to: You mean it is supposed to be this year?

Now that the CIA is on twitter and posted that awesome tweet, here are ten more suggested tweets the CIA should post:

So psyched it’s Friday. Oh, and Red Foxtail Niner, find Cochise 32. Eliminate Cochise 32, over.

Is it Margarita-thirty, or what? LOL. (In the CIA LOL stands for Lethal Operation Likely)

Remember, frowning requires more muscles than smiling. But not nearly as many muscles as killing someone with your thumbs. #FYI.

P.S. Everyone have a super weekend, except for Cochise 32, that is. His ass is grass. #ThatDudeIsSoGettingSmoked

Of course we would never use Twitter to sneak out encrypted codes. Isn’t that right, Istanbul quadrant 68? Moondoggie is mobile, over.

Don’t you hate it when someone takes the last cyanide pill from the break room without replacing it with a new canister? #Bummer

How is everyone today? Are you killing hard, or hardly killing?

When you hit an operative with a drone, are they imploding or exploding? (asking for a friend)

That rumor the CIA can spy on people through their computers is not true, (By the way, you've got some lettuce on your teeth) #Gross

Have you tried those burritos in the cafeteria? Now those are weapons of mass destruction. Am I right, people? #LightAMatch