Saturday, June 15, 2013

“Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy, this is a big one, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kobe Bryant has dropped the lawsuit against his parents for trying to sell his memorabilia; dropping a lawsuit against his parents, what a sweet way to say Happy Father’s Day.

McDonalds is introducing late night breakfast items they call the “After Midnight Menu.” It is designed for really athletic people who want to carbo-load before a big workout the next day. Just kidding, it is totally for drunken booze-hounds.

Former Cincinnati Bengal receiver, Chad “Ocho-cinco” Johnson, was in court for a probation violation and his attorney worked out a no-jail deal with the judge, but then a celebrating Chad slapped his attorney’s butt, the judge got mad and threw out the deal. This was one of the stupidest crimes committed by a Cincinnati Bengal; which is like saying this was a bad hair day for Donald Trump.

Since you asked:

Got two phone calls back-to-back from old friends I haven’t heard from in a while; one not in a long, long while. Nice to know you made an impression on folks. Proud of my stable of friends. If a man can be judged by the quality of his friends, I am doing extremely well.

But, as we all know, a man is really judged by how many things he can do to entertain himself. Me? Yesterday I was playing four games of Words with Friends while watching “Conan” monologue while writing jokes and marinating a flat-iron steak while the grill was warming up and my iPod was rocking my outdoor speakers with Rolling Stones.

Then upstairs to the Man Cave for a marathon “Parks and Recreation” session and a few bouts of “Call of Duty: Black Ops” on the X-Box. 

Oh yeah, arrrrrrrr, arrrrrrr, arrrrrrrr. Tim Allen is still a reference, people. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

You’re a down-cat and I dig that about you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Tony Awards were last night. What a show. How about that amazing wedding scene where the cast of “Pippen” slaughters the cast of “Kinky Boots”?

The Tony Awards were on about the same time Sunday night as NBA finals between the Heat and Spurs. Guys, if you think the Heat and Spurs is a gay S&M bar? You probably watched the Tony awards.

The opening number of the Tony Awards featured Neil Patrick Harris dancing and singing with Mike Tyson; “I’ll take something I never thought would happen” for $500, Alex Trebek.

The opening number of the Tony Awards featured Neil Patrick Harris dancing and singing with Mike Tyson; this is either what is great or horrible about this country.

Prince Harry wowed a crowd with his Apache helicopter stunts at a British air show; Harry has naked romps in Las Vegas with super models and flies helicopters. It’s all detailed in an upcoming book titled; “Why Harry’s Life is so Much Better Than Ours.”

Since you asked:
Here’s what I can tell you about the NSA whistle-blower, Edward Snowden; whistle-blowers claim to be selfless and pious, 99% of the time they turn out to be what they are: lying snitches out for themselves.

This I know firsthand from working on Wall Street with an evil and vile woman who ended up being the whistle-blower who got the hooker-using disgraced scumbag, Elliot Spitzer, elected governor of New York. (What did I say about guys with comb-overs?)

When I worked with/for her, she was famous for screwing over us brokers and her fellow traders and demanding more bonuses from her bosses. Everybody hated her. She eventually got fired for losing her firm millions and for being a constant pain-in-the-ass.

She surfaced with a lesser-known mutual fund company and snitched to then-D.A. Spitzer, on her boss for hidden fees and questionable accounting practices all mutual funds engaged in. She claims she was doing it because her sister was an investor and she couldn’t stand to see her being ripped off.

B.S. This woman was incapable of doing or thinking anything that wasn’t in her own greedy and grasping best interest. She probably demanded a bonus she didn’t get and decided to screw over her bosses. Period. 

Hasn’t Snowden already lied to his employers about not having graduated from high school? He lied about how much money he made at Booz, Allen, Hamilton.

Here’s my question: who doesn’t want the NSA looking at phone records, e-mails and online use to fight terrorists?

Folks, everything you put on Facebook and Twitter is basically public record. So don’t put anything out there you don’t want looked at, excuse my preposition. Don’t e-mail something that can get you in any kind of trouble and erase your browsing history.

It’s not hard. How do I know that? Because I can do it. 

U2, Mick Jagger, Fergie - "Gimmer Shelter" at the Rock and Roll Hall of ...

Monday, June 10, 2013

Why does Donald Trump always look like he is pooping out a pine cone? 
When can we stop the charade? Prince Harry and his alleged not-dad, James Hewitt. 

Who day do ‘dat voodoo like we do ‘dat voodoo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? 

Arby’s has gift cards for Father’s Day; it’s the perfect way to tell your father; “You did a crap job of raising me, but I guess you’re still technically my father.”

There is a growing trend of veterinarians who prescribe medical marijuana for dogs; “Hopefully this will make my dog lazier and a less picky eater,” said nobody who owns a dog.

 In Florida, the $590 mil. Powerball was won by an 84-year-old woman; this is exciting for her grandkids. The checks she sends on their birthdays could go from $6 up to $9.

People are still complaining about the NSA spying on our online activity; I for one have nothing to hide, I would just like to say to the NSA all those visits to Justin My computer was hacked. That wasn’t me.

The Tony Award were on at the same time Sunday night as NBA finals between the Heat and Spurs. If you think the Heat and Spurs is a gay S&M bar? You probably watched the Tony awards.

More (redundancy alert) Random Lex Thoughts:

Not ready to put LeBron in Michael’s category, but it was impressive how someone could have a horrible game and still be awesome.

Blackhawks/Bruins will be a great series. Don’t have to be a hockey fan. Virg and Ann Caroline are also new ‘Hawks bandwagon hoppers like myself.

Grilled an awesome medium rare filet mignon rubbed in sea salt, pepper and finely ground French roast coffee. Served with store-bought garlic mashed potatoes – added freshly grated parmesan cheese -  and side of HP sauce. Glass of Layer Cake Malbec, badaboom, badabing, Bob is your Uncle.

What do we have to do to get Gloria Allred to sue Donald Trump? How awesome would that be? Two of the biggest and most litigious publicity whores, both with rancid and vile personalities, each with the vindictive tenacity of pit-bulls.

Hockey would be a great sport for a gay player to come out, ‘cause those guys are tougher than a $1 dollar Las Vegas steak.

It is amazing how much fun I have stand up paddle board surfing; it feels like being a kid at the beach when you cannot believe how fun it is to play in the water for hours. Catch a wave and think; “That was awesome. Gotta go get another one.” Repeat until so tired I can barely carry my board back to my car.

Awesome band names. Some really are, some should be:

Husker Du

Stank Weeds


Dire Straits


The Olsen Twins (Punk heavy metal)

Scooby Snacks

Lincoln’s Beard

Holy (all-girl punk Christian band)

The Wally Cuddle Couch Band

Crazy Horse

The Lieutenant Dan Band

The Flaming Ferocities and the Hasbee Has-beens.

Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers ( a Lumineers cover band)

Poot Sack 

The San Marcos Passers


Scrotie and the Scrotes. (Hootie and the Blowfish cover band)

Judy and the Judy-Judy's. 

Wally's Nuts