Thursday, April 18, 2013

Just saw the pictures of the Boston Marathon bombers and apparently the suspects have been narrowed down to Justin Long, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and my nephew Cooper. 

"Paging MS. McRighteous, MS. Crankinah McRighterous...."

So there's that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A woman credits stopping to buy a sticky bun with saving her life at the Boston Marathon; for those keeping score at home, that is sticky buns saving a person’s life, 1, sticky buns killing people with heart disease and diabetes, seven million. 

Since you asked:
Not to go into gross gastrointestinal details of what I ate and what just transpired, but suffice it to say nobody should ever have to exit a bathroom screaming like Nancy Kerriigan after getting knee-whacked; 



Sure, these are divisive times, controversial times, polarized times. And yes, what I am about to say is going to alienate some people. However, there is simply more to life than not upsetting someone, so here it is:

As of now, I prefer sliced raw yellow onions on my burger to sauteed, caramelized yellow onions. 

Boom goes the 'versy. 

Really, really sorry other-important-stuff-happening-in-the-news, but right now I only care about nailing that nasty, cowardly jizz-wadd(s) who blew up innocent children and marathon runners. 

To paraphrase some insane Maryland sorority girl, I want to c*nt- punt that stank-nozzle harder than a forshizzy bidizzy...

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Katy Perry is selling her $7 mil. home; Katy Perry’s house is just like the Zooey Deschanel’s house but with two huge mounds on the front lawn.

The USDA is adjusting its meat grading system. Now instead of Prime, Choice and Select, they are adding a new lower quality meat, Prime, Choice, Select and Downright Kardashian.

Houston Astros reliever, Lance Berkman, about to face the Chicago Cubs, said if they want to blow up Wrigley Field, he’ll push the button; the bad timing and stupidity of this statement have almost reached Bieber/Kardashian/Paris Hilton proportions. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Bucky "F.'" Dent

A spokesperson for the city of Boston would like to thank the people of New York for their outpouring of love and support at this tragic time. But come on, you can't expect us to forgive this guy, do you?

Here comes the bag of hair, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Study claims Canada has the most teenage stoners. Which explains how entire Canadian teenage conversations can be conducted using one word: Eh. 

It also goes a long way to explain Poutine: French Fries smothered in gravy and cheese curds. 

The #1 movie at the box office was “42.” And that is this week’s story that will confuse the hell out of former President George W. Bush. “Wait, if it’s #42, how can it be #1?”

Since you asked:
Here's all I need to know about the two extremes of the human condition: somebody - or some people - placed a bomb in Boston where they knew it could kill children; many, many others ran a marathon and then kept running to the hospital to donate blood.

The most boring sentence in history used to be:

"I had the weirdest dream last night."

It has now been replaced by;

"I had the most boring dream last night."

No lie, my dream was so boring, I am afraid to go back to sleep because I might have it again.