Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Wally and his PooFro

We all know about the Afro. Some know about the JewFro. As Wally is half Poodle/Golden Retriever, he has a PooFro. 

This just in: 

"Deep Throat" porn star, Harry Reems, passed today at 65. He and co-star, Linda Lovelace, did not get along. Something about making that movie left a bad taste in her mouth. 

Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick, had to cancel his book tour after outrage from dog lovers spread. Vick’s autobiography is titled “Finally Free.” Much better than his first title; "Lassie Was a Bitch." 

“The Today Show” aired a clip of Los Angeles high school senior, Jake Davidson, asking “Sports Illustrated” Swimsuit cover model, Kate Upton, to his prom. We’re not sure if Kate will go, but Jake did receive a scholarship to Man, You’ve Got Big Balls University.

Since you asked:

That ass-munch, Jordan Schlanski, on "Conan"? He is snottier than a French Independent Film Maker. Snootier than a Vegan Literature Professor. Snitier than Wall Street Trader who collects antiques.

Snot, snoot, snit. Bitch needs to be bitch-slapped like a sloppy-assed, bitchy-bitch, biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.

How is it possible that the awesome and cool Deon Cole and uber-tool Jordan Schlanski exist in the same universe, let alone work for the same talk show? 

It is official, I am naming my nutrition and work out program:

 The 80/20 Program.

So much of life boils down to 80/20. If you want to look smart, just use the statistic 80/20. 80% of traffic violations comes from 20% of the drivers. Is that true? I have no idea, but it sounds true.

So I am applying the magical 80/20 formula to my nutrition and exercise program.

For diet, if you eat very healthy, just fruit, yogurt, vegetables and nuts 80% of the time, you can relax and eat sensibly 20%. So for me, from morning until 5 PM, it is smoothies, protein shakes, carrots, apples, grapes and yogurt. Dinner? Grill some fish, chicken and make a salad, and or rice or pasta. 

And 20% of the 20%, i.e., one night a week, you can go nuts. Burgers, juicy steak, shakes, sundae, pizza, burritos, whatever.

But we all have our things, or thangs. My thang? Red wine and or San Diego Sunsets, Mount Gay Rum, coconut water and lime. So that means I can have that 20% of my 20%, one night a week? Right?

Wrong, eff that ess right in the bee. I'll be lucky  if I cut it down to 70%. So that is my thang. 

Sure, there are some who might look askance at the fact I have a few more cocktails or wine than they do. To those I would ask: do you get in the ocean to surf a couple times a week? Are you eating like a near-vegan 80% of the time? Working out five times a week? Marinating and grilling your proteins? No? Oh, well then maybe shut your arrogant, smug pie-hole, you pompous, judgmental, hypocrite pile of steaming . . .

Sorry, that one got away from me at the end . . . 

Everyone gets one thang. Cheetos. Corn dogs. Pop corn. Peanuts. As long as it isn't smoking cigarettes, smoking meth or shooting heroin in your eyes.  

Exercise. If you exercise 80% of the week, you can rest 20%. So that means work out 5+ days a week. When you do work out for an hour, make it either 80% aerobic and core exercise, 20% stretching and fun. 

What's fun? Dancing. Playing tennis. An Xbox sports game. Surfing and snowboarding are as fun as they can be, but they are also an amazing aerobic and core workout.  

Then on alternate working out days, switch the 80% of the hour you work out from 80% aerobic, 20% core exercise to 80% core exercise, 20% aerobic. But keep the 20% stretching and fun. 

There you go. When in doubt apply 80/20. To keep things simple, I adopted the NFL program of Play 60 Minutes as a guideline for the minimum workout. Then apply 80/20, for both rest and stretching and aerobic and core, but keep the stretching/fun to 20%. And then switch aerobic and core each day.  That will make for built-in rest.  

80/20 even applies to the whole thing. If you work out 5 days a week 80% of the time, that is good. 20% of the time you can slack a bit. 

Of course, you can do more exercise if you want. 

My thing right now is I want to lose some weight, OK, a lot of weight. So I am being strict with the 80/20 diet and emphasizing aerobic over core exercise. 

Is it working? Yes, I have lost some weight already. Not enough for anyone to comment, but I know. And I feel better with more energy. 

High School Prom season is almost here. Proms can be rough. After the dance, I asked my date if she wanted to fool around, she said no thanks, she had already had sex in the bank.

In Wales, a 23-year-old couple was arrested for having sex in a bank; asked to comment, they said; “Hey, you have to pass the time in line somehow.”  

Lindsay Lohan plea-bargained in court because police found a half a bottle of alcohol in her car at the accident. It was awkward, when the judge sentenced her to rehab, Lindsay said; 

“And I get the half bottle of booze back, right?”

In Serbia a 28-year-old woman has a rare brain disorder that makes her see everything upside down. Which explains why she is such a huge Charlotte Bobcats fan.  

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

In San Diego, they are performing “Cruzar la Cara de la Luna” which is the first Mariachi Band Opera. A Mariachi Band Opera, that is the musical equivalent of combining a root canal with a colonoscopy.

Tiger Woods and skier Lindsay Vonn declared on Twitter they updated their relationship status on Facebook to a couple; and that is this week’s story my Aunt Trudy will not understand.

In sad news, Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough have broken up; apparently she wants to date other pretend boyfriends.

Dear Fellow Long-Suffering Chicago Cubs Fans:

Prepare to suffer some more.

That ass-munch of a GM, Jim Hendry, did so much damage paying way too much to that fellow ass-munch Zombrano and Milton Bradley and albeit nice guy, but overpaid, Fukudome, and Soriano, the Cubs are going to suck for at least another year. 



Ehrmehrgard, they not afraid to throw the shade up in this here parade, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Iran launched a destroyer Iran claims is there to promote peace in the Caspian Sea. Launching a Destroyer to promote peace is like ordering a Vodka shot to promote sobriety. 

Hillary Clinton endorsed same-sex marriage. Which is odd because Bill and Hillary haven’t had the same sex in their marriage in 20 years.

Iran launched a domestically made destroyer in the Caspian Sea named Jamaran 2. Jamaran is an Arabic word that means Carnival Cruise.

Blockbuster Video is closing 164 more stores. Hard to believe a company with video in the name isn’t doing well. Explains why Grandslam Beepers isn’t doing so hot either.

TSA has established a size limitation with women’s sex toys for boarding planes at no longer than seven inches. Sorry ladies, it looks like this sex toy won’t be going on planes anytime soon. 

St. Patrick’s Day, fighting Irish stereotypes by eating corn beef and cabbage and getting drunk on green beer and fighting for 400 years.

The Irish celebrate St. Patrick’s day by drinking green beer? Isn’t that like the English celebrating Boxing Day by cooking bad food and not going to the dentist?

Iran launched a domestically made destroyer in the Caspian Sea named Jamaran 2. Iran issued a statement saying the ship is there to promote peace in the Caspian Sea. Apparently they forgot it is called a Destroyer.

Since you asked:

Let’s play a quick game of:

The grocery lines are long, let’s try the self-checkout machine. How hard could it be?

Me: OK, I guess it won’t go on by itself, oh, I see, push Start.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Please scan your first item.”

Me: Oh, well, hah hah. OK. Uh, here is a jar of pickles, but where is the barcode?

MRV: “Please scan your first item.”

Me: You think the barcode would be right here on the label, but for some reason . . .

MRV: “I said . . . please scan your first item. Now”

Me: Whoa, no need to get testy. Oh, here is the bar code. Why would they put it on the lid?’

 MRV: “Have you inputted your club rewards number?”

Me: Is inputted a word? That’s easy, it is just my phone number.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Club Rewards Number is incorrect, please see the attendant.”

Me: How can my own phone number be incorrect? And there is no attendant. Forget it, I’ll just scan this wine bottle.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Please see attendant for approval of ID”

Me: I’m telling you, you nasty little POS machine, there is no attendant in sight.

MRV: “Please input your date of birth.”

Me: OK, man, this thing requires more information than a first date. There, you have my freaking date of birth. Happy?

MRV: “Please input your weight.”

Me: Wait. Why the hell would it need my weight?

MRV: “Please place items in the bag.”

Me: Man, this wine bottle ripped through this cheap plastic bag like a hot knife through butter. I’ll have to double bag it, no, that bag ripped. So I guess I’ll triple bag it and put it aside.

MRV: “Unauthorized item in the baggage area. Repeat, unauthorized item in the bagging area.” (alarm sounds. Police arrive, guns drawn. I hit the deck, spread eagle)

Me: I’m unarmed, I just want to buy some groceries. Let go of me.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “This is the third time you’ve needed an attendant. What are you, a moron?”

Me: Seriously? Is this thing giving me attitude?

MRV: “Oh, right, I see your age. No wonder you’re bad with technology.”

Me: What the hell?

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV:  “Seriously, dude, we tested this system on monkeys. Got that? Monkeys can make it through without the attendant. Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking so much wine. Especially at your weight.”

Me: Oh no it didn’t. (Winding up ready to smash machine with wine bottle)

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Have you scanned your credit card?”

Me: Wait, I am not done bagging my items. Oh, screw it, I want out of here.

MRV: “Would you like to make a donation to Muscular Dystrophy? No? What a freaking tight ass.”

Me: Listen, you evil metal troll, I’ll have you know I gave at the office.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Please remove your bags from the baggage area. And thank you for shopping at Vons . . . dick-head.”

Me: Hey, I heard that …