Saturday, February 16, 2013

TV tonight: History of the Eagles: Part 1 on Showtime

TV tonight: History of the Eagles: Part 1 on Showtime

This was really good. Didn't think I could learn anything. Learned a lot. All of the band members had much more success before the Eagles than they get credit for. Bernie Leadon was in one of the top L.A. bands, The Flying Burrito Brothers. Meisner had been in Poco. Frey recorded with Bob Seger and Longbranch-Pennywhistle with J.D. Souther had a record deal and played all the top L.A. clubs. Henley had been making his living as a member of a band that Kenny Rogers signed to a record label, moved them to live with him in L.A. and changed their name from Felicity to Shilo. 

If not for the sweet kindness of Linda Ronstadt there would be no Eagles. First she formed them to play as her back-up band at Disney Land, and held no grudges when they dumped her to find a label. And then, later, the album "Desperado", was a virtual bust until she had a hit with "Desperado" and then it, in turn, made the album "Desperado." 

The main thing is that I just assumed the friction between Henley and Frey was the reason the band split up. It was pure hot hatred between Don Felder and Glenn Frey. 

Yes, Henley and Frey were proof that combining raw ambition, greed, ruthlessness, OCD-like perfectionism and cocaine is an ugly combination. They burned out producer, Glyn Jons who had no problem with recording the Stones in France in between Keith Richards's heroine jags and recording Led Zeppelin with a drummer, John Bonham who drank 20 vodkas a day.

But there are two sides to all stories. Frey and Henley gave Meisner and Leadon many chances to stay, but they wanted out. 

Frey was slick hustler, Henley was a true grumpy intellectual, Leadon an iconoclast hippy bluegrass fanatic, Meisner, a shy, sweet farmer from Nebraska with a beautiful high voice and bass playing chops, Felder, a simple guitar geek who had amazing skills and Joe Walsh was a born rocker, albeit quite a quirky one. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Look out, everybody, it's stand up paddle board surfin' dawwwwwwwg

Gonna snatch them bald-headed and kick they ass for being bald, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is Valentines Day, or as guys call it: oh, crap.

The massive Southern California manhunt is over. And, no, they did not finally put a man on top of Ellen DeGeneres.

They finally got Chris Dorner. Attention Cee Lo Green and Charles Barkley, it is OK to visit Big Bear if you want to.

An Oregon man is suing the US because he claims an IRS agent made him have sex with her if he wanted to avoid an audit; on the bright side, he gets to write-off the cost of his Viagra.

There is a new smartphone app that allows you to talk to your plants; this way even your plants can tell you you’re a sad loser who is going to die and be eaten by your cats.

There is a new smartphone app that tells you how smart your dog is; I tried it, it’s not that great. It just repeats the phrase: “Your dog thinks its reflection is another dog.”

Are you watching “American Idol”? Wouldn’t you love to be Ryan Seacrest’s doctor? “Your tests results are in. And I hate to tell you, but . . . I cannot give you the results until after this commercial.”

The unofficial spokesperson for the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, died of a massive heart attack. The official cause of death: instant Karma.

Good luck filling that position. The  #2 guy at al Qaeda has a longer life expectancy.

And to be blunt, the unofficial spokesperson for the Massive Stroke Buffet is not looking so hot either.

Florida Senator, Marco Rubio, gave the Republican rebuttal to the State of the Union, and he stopped to drink some water. That wasn’t bad. In 1981 when Reagan gave his speech and Ted Kennedy gave the rebuttal, Ted stopped and made a margarita.

A Carnival Cruise ship has been stranded for days in the Gulf of Mexico. It has no power and there is sewage leaking everywhere. It’s like Trenton, New Jersey, but with a midnight buffet. 

Pope Benedict XVI is resigning. It will be tough to find a replacement, those are some big-ass hats to fill.

Eleven Athletes Who Changed History

Jackie Robinson.

For all the obvious social reasons, but we can’t forget he may have been the greatest athlete ever, period. Baseball was arguably his fourth best sport. At UCLA, led the nation in rushing in football, lead his team in scoring in basketball and had a measurement in the Long Jump that would have won the gold medal at the Olympics if he had competed.

Babe Ruth

First athlete revered as a demigod. Changed how we looked at athletes and their effect on us forever.

Jesse Owens

In his lifetime he faced Hitler down and then, by 1968, was considered an Uncle Tom by far more radical black athletes, Tommy Smith and John Carlos.

Arnold Palmer

Made people who didn’t care about golf care about golf. Changed golf forever.

Johnny Unitas

The NFL would not be the NFL if not for Johnny Unitas.


Made people who didn’t care about soccer care about soccer. Changed soccer forever.

Joe Namath

The NFL would not be the NFL without Joe Namath.

Wayne Gretsky

Like Palmer, he made everyone a hockey fan. Transcended the sport.

Michael Jordan

Like Gretsky for the NHL, he made everyone an NBA fan. Transcended the sport.

Mark Spitz

The first to spin Olympic gold into marketing gold.

Lance Armstrong

(Give me a chance here)  Lance Armstrong finally proved to everybody that no matter how much success you achieve in a sport, if you were a liar, a cheater and treated people horribly, you will be remembered for lying, cheating and treating people horribly.

By ruining his health – human growth hormones triggers testicular cancer – legacy, reputation and image, not to mention his finances, Lance has done more to stop the future of cheating with performance enhancing drugs than anyone else besides Barry Bonds. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Lee Michaels - Do You Know What I Mean

Too pooped to Pope, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Florida couple admitted to the show “Strange Addictions” they are addicted to daily coffee enemas. “The best part of waking up is Folgers in your butt.”

“The National Enquirer” claims O.J. Simpson has turned very gay in prison; OJ’s prison motto is; “If the skinny jeans fit, you must submit.”

A Michigan judge was suspended after he texted shirtless pictures of himself to co-workers; “What harm could be caused by a guy sending naked pictures of himself to co-workers?” asked nobody.

Pope Benedict the 16th or X.V.I. has resigned. So they are going to find his replacement on “The XVII Factor.”

The Golden State Warriors are going to wear a short-sleeved jerseys instead of the traditional sleeveless kind; and the Los Angeles Lakers are going to wear jerseys with hoods with zippers in front so they can cover their faces.

The Carnival Cruise ship, Triumph, has been drifting in the Gulf of Mexico powerless for days. Conditions are so bad they are thinking of changing the ship’s name to the US Los Angeles Lakers.

Conditions on-board are so bad they are downright Lindsay Lohan-like.

In England, packages of lasagna are being recalled because they contain 60% horsemeat. Lasagna is an Italian word that means: Mr. Ed.

The Boy Scouts announced they were lifting the ban on gays, but they keep delaying their decision. On the bright side, Boy Scouts can now get a merit badge in Seacresting.

The University of Arizona is offering a minor in hip hop; in terms of creating employment opportunities, a minor in hip hop comes second only to getting a neck tattoo of Snoop Dog.

There are plans to make a movie about Lance Armstrong. Not sure how that will work, the titles “Psycho” “Cheaters” “Drugstore Cowboy” and “Cyclops” have already been used.

 It truly is the little things in life.

“Showtime” will air a documentary “History of the Eagles- A Story of an American Band,” on Friday and Saturday. The problem? I don’t have “Showtime.” 

So I call my cable provider and guess what? They give me “Showtime” for three months for free.

There is very little doubt I will learn almost nothing new. 

Read some of the reviews and, surprise, surprise, like all Henley-Frey-Azoff-approved material - like Ben Fong-Torres’s book on the Eagles, “Taking it to the Limit” - "HOTE-ASOAAB" is a butt-smooching softball gently tossed to make the litigious Azoff, Henley and Frey look good. (If they make the angry troll, Azoff, look good, they deserve an Academy Award) 

Making a documentary about the Eagles and not including drugs and groupies is like making a documentary about Donald Trump and not mentioning his hair. 

If you don't think drugs broke the Eagles up and changed everything? Listen to the album "Desperado" and then listen to the album "The Long Run." It is a cautionary tale on how much blow can ruin musician's, manager, producers and sound engineer's judgment. 

Nobody hated disco more than me, but I would need to take drugs to listen to "Disco Strangler" all the way through. As impressive as Felder's guitar chops are on the song, the melody is non-existent. And the lyrics are comically heavy-handed. "He's the crimson in your face de jour"? 

But it will be fun to watch, and I can hardly wait.

And it is free. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

That's just turrr-uh-bullll

We gonna throw all kinds of what-the, what-the up in this busy hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

85-year-old Pope Benedict the XVI announced he is going to resign due to health reasons. You know who is the leading replacement candidate? Ryan Seacrest.

It was cold last night. I was shaking like Rihanna after attending the Grammys with Chris Brown.

In Beverly Hills Saturday night, Chris Brown smashed into a wall with his Porsche. Brown claims the wall started it.

It turns out the Harbaugh brothers, Jim and John, have not spoken since the Super Bowl; apparently they are both jealous that their younger, nerdy brother, Herman Harbaugh, got to make out with super model during the “Go Daddy” commercial.

The Grammys are awesome, you drive up and the Baja Boys valet your car while singing “Who Let the Dogs Out?”  The Hanson brothers open the front door while singing “MmmBop” and Billy Ray Cyrus shows you to your seat singing “Achy Breaky Heart.”

The manhunt for killer, Christopher Dorner, continues in Big Bear. Just a little friendly advice, if I was Charles Barkley, I would stay the hell out of Big Bear for a while.

A Michigan judge was suspended after he texted shirtless pictures of himself to co-workers; “What harm could be caused by a guy sending naked pictures of himself to co-workers?” asked nobody. 

As a public service, me, and all the good people here at aLBb, would like to give, free of charge:

Tips on Being a Good Husband, Father and Housemate

When grilling/ cooking for your family and you drop something on the ground, pick it up as fast as you can before someone sees you. Then set it aside for your wife.

When picking up dog poop, always use a plastic bag and then throw that in the trash container. Unless your wife is not around, and then just toss it over the fence.

When the toilet paper roll is empty, open a new package and leave it out in the open so your wife can easily see it so she can put it back on the roll.

If your stomach is upset and feel the need for relief, make sure the dog is nearby so you can say;

“Oh, my word, Wally. What did you get into? Let’s put him outside.”

When you take the milk out of the fridge and swig right from the carton, always wipe your mouth on either your arm or sleeve before putting it back.

When entering a bathroom a family member is exiting, do not say;

“Who was the alien who crawled up your ass and died?”

Always say;

“Whom was the alien whom crawled up your ass and died?”

When disparaging the driver in front of you, do not use terms less sensitive than mentally challenged, sexually rectal active and a vinegar and water dispenser.

When your wife and daughter are enjoying one of their recorded TV shows instead of letting you watch something, oh, say decent, do not comment;

“What steaming pile of vampire soap opera, reality-show, silly-assed musical is this fetid piece of crap?”

You're welcome. We do what we can. We do what we can.