Tuesday, February 12, 2013

We gonna throw all kinds of what-the, what-the up in this busy hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

85-year-old Pope Benedict the XVI announced he is going to resign due to health reasons. You know who is the leading replacement candidate? Ryan Seacrest.

It was cold last night. I was shaking like Rihanna after attending the Grammys with Chris Brown.

In Beverly Hills Saturday night, Chris Brown smashed into a wall with his Porsche. Brown claims the wall started it.

It turns out the Harbaugh brothers, Jim and John, have not spoken since the Super Bowl; apparently they are both jealous that their younger, nerdy brother, Herman Harbaugh, got to make out with super model during the “Go Daddy” commercial.

The Grammys are awesome, you drive up and the Baja Boys valet your car while singing “Who Let the Dogs Out?”  The Hanson brothers open the front door while singing “MmmBop” and Billy Ray Cyrus shows you to your seat singing “Achy Breaky Heart.”

The manhunt for killer, Christopher Dorner, continues in Big Bear. Just a little friendly advice, if I was Charles Barkley, I would stay the hell out of Big Bear for a while.

A Michigan judge was suspended after he texted shirtless pictures of himself to co-workers; “What harm could be caused by a guy sending naked pictures of himself to co-workers?” asked nobody. 

As a public service, me, and all the good people here at aLBb, would like to give, free of charge:

Tips on Being a Good Husband, Father and Housemate

When grilling/ cooking for your family and you drop something on the ground, pick it up as fast as you can before someone sees you. Then set it aside for your wife.

When picking up dog poop, always use a plastic bag and then throw that in the trash container. Unless your wife is not around, and then just toss it over the fence.

When the toilet paper roll is empty, open a new package and leave it out in the open so your wife can easily see it so she can put it back on the roll.

If your stomach is upset and feel the need for relief, make sure the dog is nearby so you can say;

“Oh, my word, Wally. What did you get into? Let’s put him outside.”

When you take the milk out of the fridge and swig right from the carton, always wipe your mouth on either your arm or sleeve before putting it back.

When entering a bathroom a family member is exiting, do not say;

“Who was the alien who crawled up your ass and died?”

Always say;

“Whom was the alien whom crawled up your ass and died?”

When disparaging the driver in front of you, do not use terms less sensitive than mentally challenged, sexually rectal active and a vinegar and water dispenser.

When your wife and daughter are enjoying one of their recorded TV shows instead of letting you watch something, oh, say decent, do not comment;

“What steaming pile of vampire soap opera, reality-show, silly-assed musical is this fetid piece of crap?”

You're welcome. We do what we can. We do what we can.