Gonna snatch
them bald-headed and kick they ass for being bald, Torn Slatterns and Nugget
Ranchers
Today is
Valentines Day, or as guys call it: oh, crap.
The massive
Southern California manhunt is over. And, no, they did not finally put a man on
top of Ellen DeGeneres.
They finally got
Chris Dorner. Attention Cee Lo Green and Charles Barkley, it is OK to visit Big
Bear if you want to.
An Oregon man is
suing the US because he claims an IRS agent made him have sex with her if he
wanted to avoid an audit; on the bright side, he gets to write-off the cost of
his Viagra.
There is a new
smartphone app that allows you to talk to your plants; this way even your
plants can tell you you’re a sad loser who is going to die and be eaten by your
cats.
There is a new
smartphone app that tells you how smart your dog is; I tried it, it’s not that
great. It just repeats the phrase: “Your dog thinks its reflection is another
dog.”
Are you watching
“American Idol”? Wouldn’t you love to be Ryan Seacrest’s doctor? “Your tests
results are in. And I hate to tell you, but . . . I cannot give you the results
until after this commercial.”
The unofficial
spokesperson for the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, died of a massive heart
attack. The official cause of death: instant Karma.
Good luck
filling that position. The #2 guy at al
Qaeda has a longer life expectancy.
And to be blunt,
the unofficial spokesperson for the Massive Stroke Buffet is not looking so hot
either.
Florida Senator,
Marco Rubio, gave the Republican rebuttal to the State of the Union, and he
stopped to drink some water. That wasn’t bad. In 1981 when Reagan gave his
speech and Ted Kennedy gave the rebuttal, Ted stopped and made a margarita.
A Carnival
Cruise ship has been stranded for days in the Gulf of Mexico. It has no power
and there is sewage leaking everywhere. It’s like Trenton, New Jersey, but with
a midnight buffet.
Pope Benedict
XVI is resigning. It will be tough to find a replacement, those are some
big-ass hats to fill.
Eleven Athletes
Who Changed History
Jackie Robinson.
For all the
obvious social reasons, but we can’t forget he may have been the greatest athlete
ever, period. Baseball was arguably his fourth best sport. At UCLA, led the
nation in rushing in football, lead his team in scoring in basketball and had a
measurement in the Long Jump that would have won the gold medal at the Olympics
if he had competed.
Babe Ruth
First athlete
revered as a demigod. Changed how we looked at athletes and their effect on us
forever.
Jesse Owens
In his lifetime
he faced Hitler down and then, by 1968, was considered an Uncle Tom by far more
radical black athletes, Tommy Smith and John Carlos.
Arnold Palmer
Made people who
didn’t care about golf care about golf. Changed golf forever.
Johnny Unitas
The NFL would
not be the NFL if not for Johnny Unitas.
Pele
Made people who
didn’t care about soccer care about soccer. Changed soccer forever.
Joe Namath
The NFL would
not be the NFL without Joe Namath.
Wayne Gretsky
Like Palmer, he
made everyone a hockey fan. Transcended the sport.
Michael Jordan
Like Gretsky for
the NHL, he made everyone an NBA fan. Transcended the sport.
Mark Spitz
The first to
spin Olympic gold into marketing gold.
Lance Armstrong
(Give me a
chance here) Lance Armstrong finally
proved to everybody that no matter how much success you achieve in a sport, if
you were a liar, a cheater and treated people horribly, you will be remembered
for lying, cheating and treating people horribly.
By ruining his
health – human growth hormones triggers testicular cancer – legacy, reputation
and image, not to mention his finances, Lance has done more to stop the future
of cheating with performance enhancing drugs than anyone else besides Barry
Bonds.
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