Thursday, February 14, 2013

Look out, everybody, it's stand up paddle board surfin' dawwwwwwwg

Gonna snatch them bald-headed and kick they ass for being bald, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is Valentines Day, or as guys call it: oh, crap.

The massive Southern California manhunt is over. And, no, they did not finally put a man on top of Ellen DeGeneres.

They finally got Chris Dorner. Attention Cee Lo Green and Charles Barkley, it is OK to visit Big Bear if you want to.

An Oregon man is suing the US because he claims an IRS agent made him have sex with her if he wanted to avoid an audit; on the bright side, he gets to write-off the cost of his Viagra.

There is a new smartphone app that allows you to talk to your plants; this way even your plants can tell you you’re a sad loser who is going to die and be eaten by your cats.

There is a new smartphone app that tells you how smart your dog is; I tried it, it’s not that great. It just repeats the phrase: “Your dog thinks its reflection is another dog.”

Are you watching “American Idol”? Wouldn’t you love to be Ryan Seacrest’s doctor? “Your tests results are in. And I hate to tell you, but . . . I cannot give you the results until after this commercial.”

The unofficial spokesperson for the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, died of a massive heart attack. The official cause of death: instant Karma.

Good luck filling that position. The  #2 guy at al Qaeda has a longer life expectancy.

And to be blunt, the unofficial spokesperson for the Massive Stroke Buffet is not looking so hot either.

Florida Senator, Marco Rubio, gave the Republican rebuttal to the State of the Union, and he stopped to drink some water. That wasn’t bad. In 1981 when Reagan gave his speech and Ted Kennedy gave the rebuttal, Ted stopped and made a margarita.

A Carnival Cruise ship has been stranded for days in the Gulf of Mexico. It has no power and there is sewage leaking everywhere. It’s like Trenton, New Jersey, but with a midnight buffet. 

Pope Benedict XVI is resigning. It will be tough to find a replacement, those are some big-ass hats to fill.

Eleven Athletes Who Changed History

Jackie Robinson.

For all the obvious social reasons, but we can’t forget he may have been the greatest athlete ever, period. Baseball was arguably his fourth best sport. At UCLA, led the nation in rushing in football, lead his team in scoring in basketball and had a measurement in the Long Jump that would have won the gold medal at the Olympics if he had competed.

Babe Ruth

First athlete revered as a demigod. Changed how we looked at athletes and their effect on us forever.

Jesse Owens

In his lifetime he faced Hitler down and then, by 1968, was considered an Uncle Tom by far more radical black athletes, Tommy Smith and John Carlos.

Arnold Palmer

Made people who didn’t care about golf care about golf. Changed golf forever.

Johnny Unitas

The NFL would not be the NFL if not for Johnny Unitas.


Made people who didn’t care about soccer care about soccer. Changed soccer forever.

Joe Namath

The NFL would not be the NFL without Joe Namath.

Wayne Gretsky

Like Palmer, he made everyone a hockey fan. Transcended the sport.

Michael Jordan

Like Gretsky for the NHL, he made everyone an NBA fan. Transcended the sport.

Mark Spitz

The first to spin Olympic gold into marketing gold.

Lance Armstrong

(Give me a chance here)  Lance Armstrong finally proved to everybody that no matter how much success you achieve in a sport, if you were a liar, a cheater and treated people horribly, you will be remembered for lying, cheating and treating people horribly.

By ruining his health – human growth hormones triggers testicular cancer – legacy, reputation and image, not to mention his finances, Lance has done more to stop the future of cheating with performance enhancing drugs than anyone else besides Barry Bonds.