Saturday, January 26, 2013

We got the fog on our dog up in this wog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Two New Jersey men are suing Subway Sandwiches because their foot-long sandwich was only 11 inches. Next they are going to sue Skippy because there is no butter in peanut butter.

The Super Bowl will be a close game with most experts confused as to who will win.  Fox analyst Terry Bradshaw is still trying to figure out the amazing coincidence that the two Super Bowl coaches have the same last name. Same spelling and everything.

Peter Robbins, 57, who was the voice of Charlie Brown, was arraigned on 12 felony counts of stalking. Not only that, Lucy and Schroeder got divorced and then Schroeder came out of the closet.

Al Qaida’s #2 man, Saeed al-Shihri, was killed in a drone attack in Yemen. Asked to comment on his promotion to #2, the #3 guy said; “Oh, hell no.”

During his imaginary girlfriend interview, Katie Couric asked Manti Te’o if he was gay. Manti said he was not gay. Of course he’s not gay, if he was gay he would have come up with a much more creative story.

Texas may require strippers to get a license. So, until they get a license, their title of stripper is only titular. 

Since you asked:
Today’s baseball players should take a note on the glowing tributes to the late Stan Musial. Yes, he had mind-boggling numbers - in 1948 he hit .376, had 39 homers and drove in 131 runs – but for every hit or homer there are more stories of his kindness to people and teammates and loyalty to his team, family and wife.

How about this? Stan the man loved to sign autographs. He felt it was an honor to be asked and put shy fans at ease with his jokes and politeness. Got the honor of shaking his hand at the Louisville Slugger Museum Opening Ceremony.

Let’s give you an example of the difference between a Stan Musial and Pete Rose. Like all the great baseball players, Rose was invited to attend the Slugger museum opening. Nobody, including Ted Williams or Stan Musial would be paid a dime. Rose accepted and then, when he found out he would not get an appearance fee, simply did not show up. Not one word from him he was cancelling. They could have given the airline ticket and hotel room to someone else.

Same reason Bonds, McGwire and Sosa did not attend. 


Musial showed up, was charming and closed the ceremony with a kick-ass rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” on his harmonica. 

Musial was a man who knew without being told that it went without saying he was a role model for his team, his city and his sport. He didn’t whine about it, he embraced it.

Of the people I met at the Museum opening of course Ernie Banks made the biggest impact because he was my childhood baseball idol. And he was a great guy.

But the two guys who really impressed me just by their class and charisma were hockey great Mark Messier and Stan the man. Though funny and charming, Messier was a steely-eyed warrior who you just know would lead you to victory in battle.

Musial was an old school gentleman. He had a warm smile and a firm handshake for anyone who wanted it. The man glowed.

When Jose Conseco, Barry Bonds Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are gone, their legacy will be a punch line to a bad joke about juicing, cheating, lying and rude selfishness. Do they belong in the Hall of Fame? They sure do. The comedy Hall of Fame.

Note on the fog at Torrey Pines. A few times I was out surfing when the fog came in. You want disconcerting? Try being out paddling on the ocean and not being able to see the shore? The only way I knew where to go was by listening to the crashing surf.

They couldn’t play golf because they couldn’t see where their golf ball landed? When I play a round, I can count the number of times I can see where my balls lands on one hand.


Friday, January 25, 2013

Herr Doktor, you vere haffing a nichtmare, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is so cold in Indiana, at Notre Dame, Manti Te'o is dating an imaginary eskimo.

For the first time in as long as anyone can remember, it rained at Torrey Pines for the Farmers Open, and the rich La Jolla locals are not happy. One resident kept asking; 

"What is this devil's magic that causes mineral water to drop from the sky?"

It rained so much, La Jolla resident, Mitt Romney, had to throw a tarp over the dog crate on top of his car. 

Since you asked:

The awesome Mark O'Snake and those un-awesome little butt-smooch weasels at Nike are going to make me say it, aren't you? Ok, I give, I give. Golf tournaments are a lot more fun when Tiger Woods is leading. There. Happy? 

Thought I had lived. But I hadn't lived. 'Cause  you haven't lived until you've seen your adorable puppy, Wally, poop out your daughter's Adidas sock with your own eyes. 

To anyone who cares, and I am not sure anyone does, but while you watch the Farmer's Open, my two surf spots are just to the North at Torrey Pines beach, and to the South at Scripps/La Jolla Shores. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Simon and Garfunkel - The only living boy in new york

 It is what it is what it is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A county in Ireland has passed a law that allows rural drivers to drive drunk. Irish farmers allowed to drink and drive. Gosh, what could go wrong here?

This makes the whisky and hand gun promotion at the Oakland Raiders game seem like a good idea. 

Former #1 pick NFL bust, JaMarcus Russell is attempting a comeback. How bad of a bust was JaMarcus? The only good thing you can say about him is he wasn’t Ryan Leaf.

Did you see Hillary Clinton testify on the Libya attack? Those Senators went at Hillary harder than they do an open bar at a brothel.

A study reveals one in three people who use Facebook feel sad, lonely and envious after browsing their friend’s updates. One suggestion to make Facebook users feel better about their lives? Get Lindsay Lohan to approve your friend request.

In NBA news, the New Orleans Hornets are going to change their name to the New Orleans Pelicans. No word yet on when they are going to put the F in front of the word Lakers. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Blockbuster announced they are closing 300 more stores. Hard to imagine a company in trouble where customer service comes with the question: what’s customer service?

They tried to call to inform the stores they were closing, but they were put on hold while the Blockbuster clerks took a break.

Hard to imagine a company in trouble where the extent of customer service is yelling the word: Next. 

This will only leave Blockbuster with 500 stores. More bad news, after examining Blockbuster's customer service, truth-in-advertising demands they change their name to Ballbusters. 

A German study reveals one in three people who use Facebook feel sad, lonely and envious after browsing their friend’s updates. It’s true, Facebook updates are always; “Ran on the beach at sunrise before closing the big deal at work.” It’s never; “Pigged out at Taco Bell and then sharted my pants.” 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

SUP Tricks 360 and Helicopter on one wave

Michelle Obama Throws Shade at John Boehner.

Poke, stoke and stroke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Manti Te’o is going to be interviewed by Katie Couric about his made up dead girlfriend. It is not looking good for Te’o, as of now he is making Tom Cruise’s marriages look real. 

You know who is also upset at Lance Armstrong? His former good buddy, Matthew McConaughey. Matthew said what Lance did was not, repeat, not awwright, awwright, awwwright.

They were once so close, Matthew would have given Lance the shirt off his back he wasn’t wearing.

The worst part of Lance being exposed as a liar, a bully and a cheater? It’s admitting the French were right to hate him all along. Good lord, that hurts.

People feel if you admit to being a liar, a mean bully and a cheat, you had better be running for Congress. 

Once Lance was beloved, now just about everybody wants to kick Lance in the nut.

The clip of First Lady, Michelle Obama, rolling her eyes at Speaker, John Boehner, has gone viral. Kids call rolling eyes “throwing shade.” Well, if so, Michelle Obama threw enough shade at John Boehner to send him back to the dark ages.

To be honest I am starting to question the authenticity of some of these cooking contest shows, like “Top Chef” and “Chopped.”

“Let’s see what the secret ingredients are: Lug nuts, a Speedo swimsuit and maggots. You have two minutes.”

“Hmmm, the lug nuts are cooked perfectly and I love how you used the maggots to tenderize the flavorful Speedo.” 

Since you asked:

Kobe Bryant, Michael Irvin, Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisburger, and Lance Armstrong.

What does this list of the world’s biggest A-holes have in common? They were/are all top shelf Nike sponsored athletes.

Why does Nike specialize in A-holes? Because they are a company chocked full of screaming A-holes. From the mentally challenged Satan CEO, Phil Knight, down to the security guard who refused to let a coach on the Nike campus who was wearing an Adidas shirt, the whole place is infused with smug, nasty,  arrogant, paranoid nerds who think they are the most important people on the planet. 

When I went to Nike, I remember thinking it would be a company full of cool ex-jocks. And they really weren't. They were mostly true geeks. Granted, some were running geeks, but geeks all the same. 

Many of the Nike women seemed to want to perpetuate the stereotype of outdoor-loving women as scary and angry vegan feminists. (How they put up with a company that kisses the butts of Ben Roethlisburger, Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant, I will never understand) 

I've said it before, I will say it again - and Nike proves it: there is just nothing worse than a loser, dorky nerd who now thinks they're cool and powerful.

The only other times I have come across a group as snotty, rude and self-satisfied to the point of repulsion as everyone at Nike was at a Carmel Valley software company's Christmas party called Peregrine that has since gone belly up; media day at the Super Bowl; four visiting Sigma Chi douche bags from USC at our chapter at UCSB and two professors at UCSB, one a creative writing teacher who was a slovenly porn pervert and a speech professor who specialized in a useless and obscure aspect of speech called, oh, crap, I forget, and a handful of bond traders on Wall Street.  

Oh, and a few doctors along the way. 

Just remembered the a-hole speech professor's class. Rhetoric. My word he was an all consuming hot air poop -bag.