Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Poke, stoke and stroke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Manti Te’o is going to be interviewed by Katie Couric about his made up dead girlfriend. It is not looking good for Te’o, as of now he is making Tom Cruise’s marriages look real. 

You know who is also upset at Lance Armstrong? His former good buddy, Matthew McConaughey. Matthew said what Lance did was not, repeat, not awwright, awwright, awwwright.

They were once so close, Matthew would have given Lance the shirt off his back he wasn’t wearing.

The worst part of Lance being exposed as a liar, a bully and a cheater? It’s admitting the French were right to hate him all along. Good lord, that hurts.

People feel if you admit to being a liar, a mean bully and a cheat, you had better be running for Congress. 

Once Lance was beloved, now just about everybody wants to kick Lance in the nut.

The clip of First Lady, Michelle Obama, rolling her eyes at Speaker, John Boehner, has gone viral. Kids call rolling eyes “throwing shade.” Well, if so, Michelle Obama threw enough shade at John Boehner to send him back to the dark ages.

To be honest I am starting to question the authenticity of some of these cooking contest shows, like “Top Chef” and “Chopped.”

“Let’s see what the secret ingredients are: Lug nuts, a Speedo swimsuit and maggots. You have two minutes.”

“Hmmm, the lug nuts are cooked perfectly and I love how you used the maggots to tenderize the flavorful Speedo.” 

Since you asked:

Kobe Bryant, Michael Irvin, Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisburger, and Lance Armstrong.

What does this list of the world’s biggest A-holes have in common? They were/are all top shelf Nike sponsored athletes.

Why does Nike specialize in A-holes? Because they are a company chocked full of screaming A-holes. From the mentally challenged Satan CEO, Phil Knight, down to the security guard who refused to let a coach on the Nike campus who was wearing an Adidas shirt, the whole place is infused with smug, nasty,  arrogant, paranoid nerds who think they are the most important people on the planet. 

When I went to Nike, I remember thinking it would be a company full of cool ex-jocks. And they really weren't. They were mostly true geeks. Granted, some were running geeks, but geeks all the same. 

Many of the Nike women seemed to want to perpetuate the stereotype of outdoor-loving women as scary and angry vegan feminists. (How they put up with a company that kisses the butts of Ben Roethlisburger, Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant, I will never understand) 

I've said it before, I will say it again - and Nike proves it: there is just nothing worse than a loser, dorky nerd who now thinks they're cool and powerful.

The only other times I have come across a group as snotty, rude and self-satisfied to the point of repulsion as everyone at Nike was at a Carmel Valley software company's Christmas party called Peregrine that has since gone belly up; media day at the Super Bowl; four visiting Sigma Chi douche bags from USC at our chapter at UCSB and two professors at UCSB, one a creative writing teacher who was a slovenly porn pervert and a speech professor who specialized in a useless and obscure aspect of speech called, oh, crap, I forget, and a handful of bond traders on Wall Street.  

Oh, and a few doctors along the way. 

Just remembered the a-hole speech professor's class. Rhetoric. My word he was an all consuming hot air poop -bag.