Saturday, January 05, 2013

Paddle Boarder Encounters Manatees

Paddle Boarder Encounters Manatees

Thanks for the manatees . . .

We ain’t had no good coffee around here since Odella passed, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Due to his part in the fiscal cliff negotiations, Joe Biden has been called the most influential vice president in history. That’s like being called the most talented Kardashian.

President Obama has named John Kerry Secretary of State. And what state is that? Catatonic?

All those obscure new laws kicked in on the first of the year, they are hard to keep track of. Is it still illegal to smoke pot with a hooker in church? (Asking for a friend)

Three-time Olympian runner, Suzy Favor Hamilton, has admitted to being a call girl in Las Vegas. In fact she used to run an Olympian special. For an extra $200, she would Carl your Lewis, Bruce your Jenner, or for $1000 she would Armstrong your Lance.

The Olympic motto is Faster, Higher, Stronger, Suzy’s motto was Kinkier, Hornier, Swallow-ier.

 Since you asked: 
Johnny “Football” Manziel? Wow. That guy is a human machine designed to score touchdowns. They could put that guy in on defense and he would make plays. Big plays.

Johnny “Football”, best corny sports nickname since Ted Williams’s Teddy Ballgame.

Can’t wait for biopic on Jackie Robinson. In my opinion one of the greatest athletes of all time. Great running back for UCLA, leading point guard for UCLA basketball team, and his mark in the Long Jump one year would have won the Olympics. Baseball was Robinson’s fourth best sport, and he is in the Hall of Fame. 

Friday, January 04, 2013

Wally doing his Jackrabbit impression
We know what we’re knowing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Attendance at the Times Square New Year’s Eve party was down. Some blamed the cold weather, others say if New Yorkers want to watch a ball drop they’ll watch the Jets’ Mark Sanchez.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting. Rumor has it they will name the baby Storm. Short for Perfect Storm of Doucheness.

The Chicago Bears fired head coach Lovie Smith. Apparently they weren’t feeling the Lovie.

A study indicates men addicted to online porn suffer short-term memory loss. Hey, guys, what did I just say?

In Florida, a 50-year-old woman was arrested for beating her 32-year-old boyfriend for finishing mutual oral sex too early. In other words, he unchained his Django too soon.

I was watching TV Sunday and the weirdest thing happened; The commercials I was watching got interrupted by an NFL football game.

Monday was the Chic –fil-A Bowl between LSU and Clemson. The Chic-fil-A Bowl is the only bowl where the tight end is not allowed to line up in the A-hole.

Since you asked:

When your internet access goes down, it is a fascinating study in the workings/frailties of the human mind.

My first worry was no Google. It is like having your car keys go missing, or someone taking away your shoes. You feel so helpless. Then you go through a series of stupid ideas like, OK, I’ll just get on Facebook. Not so much. Let’s just check the e-mails. Crap.  Well then I will just post something on Twitter. Nope. Fine, then I’ll play a game of Words with Friends on Facebook until, oh, right.

All I could do was write on Word.

This self mind-farting continues unabated for ADD-like short time lapses. Finally, after a solid hour of testing everything over and over, it sinks in you can’t do anything that involves the internet. Then that reality creeps into irrationality. You start to think you can’t use the bathroom, or your phone, or the TV or your car. 

Thursday, January 03, 2013

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

― Mark Twain

The greatest feelings I have had came from conquering my fears. From sailing to snowboarding to windsurfing to surfing to getting married to buying a house to having a child.

When I was ten, a blowhard, know-it-all neighbor offered to grace us with his sailing expertise with our new 14-foot sailboat on a scary, dark, cloudy and windy day in November on Lake Michigan. 

The douche-bag proceeds to capsize us - not an easy task in such a wide and slow family picnic boat - and sent us clinging for our lives in icy waters hanging on the the rails for dear life. 

For the rest of that winter, I couldn't bring myself to look at the endless dark block of ice that was Lake Michigan, because I kept imagining my body at the bottom. 

To call what I felt about sailing a phobia is to give it a trite, psycho-babble cliche. My fear was paralyzing. My fear had a life of its own. 

But because I loved my dad very much, and I knew sailing with him was important to him, I forced myself to get over my fear. 

When I did get over my fear, I discovered a great lesson: when you overcome a fear, it not only results in incredible pride, it creates its own  passion. Suddenly sailing was something I could not get enough. Each time we went out and I didn't drown, it confirmed my bravery. 

Lack of fear is idiocy. Overcoming fear is bravery. 

Yah know what we Chicagoans would do wit' a hunnert thousand dollarssss? We'd buy a hunnert carrrssssss, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Don't think my lovely daughter, Ann Caroline, will ever go Christmas shopping with me again. Every time a clerk asked if I wanted them to wrap something, I said;

"Sure, I'll drop the beat. Boom, chuckah, chuckah, boom, boom." 

Had no idea eyes could roll that much . . .
Can I get a boo-shank on the hank-skank one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Did you know that fresh bread is delivered to the store five days a week and you can tell by the color of the plastic twist-tag which day the bread was baked?




Friday - White

Saturday - Yellow

And they say you never learn anything new by reading blogs. 

ESPN filmed a gay kiss at a PBA bowling tournament. Gayest thing ever seen in sports since Tony Romo blew all the Cowboys' chances. 

I saw the “The Hobbitt” and it is over three hours long. To give you an idea how long that is, for the guy sitting next to me, that was 20 phone calls and 45 text messages.

In sad news, Kat Von-D had her tattoo of her ex, Jesse James, removed. She claims he cheated on her with 19 women. Jesse James is to relationships what Bernie Madoff was to financial planning.

19 women. Those are John Mayer-cheating-on-Taylor-Swift-like numbers.

Since you asked: 
Jodi Arias brutal murder case  resonates (in a jealous rage she slashed, stabbed, slit the throat, shot in the head her boyfriend)  because many people deeply want to believe women in general, especially well-educated and attractive women, are not capable of such vile evil. 

Sadly, I know three women very well who are attractive, smart and  polished - it would cause all three physical pain not to send a handwritten Thank You note after getting a gift - and yet they are such greedy, selfish sociopaths there is no doubt in my mind they would commit a heinous killing, with their car, gun, knife or, if needs be, their bare hands, to get what they want. 

Four. Just thought of a fourth. 

Congratulations to Louisville.

But all kidding aside, I thought Florida's lack of class - one moron ejected for punching a player in the face right in front of two refs and then vehemently denying it - was absolutely embarrassing. Florida gave up 100 yards in stupid penalties.

At one point, Florida was behind by 23 points and a big fat Florida lineman started shaking his huge fat belly in a clownish dance following a routine tackle. 

This all falls on the coach, Will Muschamp. You cannot be a good coach without being a good person. Muschamp's inability to recruit class acts or instill good sportsmanship or discipline is entirely his fault. 

A fish and a football team rots from the head down. (See: New York Jets) 

Time after time we have seen athletes who came from brutally awful backgrounds with virtually no or, worse, horrible parents, rise up and become model athletes and citizens. 

But they need guidance to do it, and clearly Muschamp does not have any interest in providing that guidance. Muschamp just wants athletes regardless of how awful their behavior. 

It harkens back to the embarrassing era of Barry Switzer at Oklahoma. 

Again, congratulations to Louisville, they were the beneficiaries of Florida's throwing the game away due to poor leadership. 

To be a good coach you have to be a good person. Not one player who ever played for the great John Wooden can ever remember him once saying they needed to win a game. If his players put forth their best effort, he was satisfied. It just happened that the best effort from his players almost always resulted in a win.

We've seen clips of Vince Lombardi yelling at his players. That was due to passion, not anger or hate. Lombardi wept when he had to trade Paul Hornung to New Orleans.

How many times do you think Barry Switzer wept when one of his many former players went to prison? 

Personally, I did not think the announcers did a good enough of a job pointing out what a stud Louisville quarterback, Teddy Bridgewater, really is. Now there is a class act. Willed his team to victory is what he did. 

For reasons that are so obvious I don't need to say them:

But I am not an expert on up-and-coming, young, hip black comedians. 

But I am a big fan of Kevin Hart. The guy killed in "40-Year-Old-Virgin" and "Modern Family." The problem? Now on his third talk show interview, I haven't actually heard him say anything that is all that funny.

Whereas Conan O'Brien's writer, comedian Deon Cole, slays every time. 

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Led Zeppelin - Boogie With Stu

Led Zeppelin - Boogie With Stu

Heard the story behind this recording and it is everything I could have hoped for. The title is exactly what it was, a boogie with Stu. Stu being Ian Stewart, the Stones' manager. 

Ian, as I call him, popped into Headly Grange, a three story stone former poor house converted into a country studio. They were using the Stones mobile recording truck that they used for "Exile On Main Street."

Turn out "Stu" is an amazing piano player and he just started riffing and they turned the tape on and got it in one take. Some great stuff on mandolin guitar from Jimmy Page, right? So if it was live,  how did Page play mandolin and guitar? He didn't. Nope, that was Robert Plant on guitar. (Those guys have way too much talent)  

And don't Bonzo up and drop the beat on our sorry tuchuses?