We ain’t had no good coffee around here since Odella passed, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Due to his part in the fiscal cliff negotiations, Joe Biden has been called the most influential vice president in history. That’s like being called the most talented Kardashian.

President Obama has named John Kerry Secretary of State. And what state is that? Catatonic?

All those obscure new laws kicked in on the first of the year, they are hard to keep track of. Is it still illegal to smoke pot with a hooker in church? (Asking for a friend)

Three-time Olympian runner, Suzy Favor Hamilton, has admitted to being a call girl in Las Vegas. In fact she used to run an Olympian special. For an extra $200, she would Carl your Lewis, Bruce your Jenner, or for $1000 she would Armstrong your Lance.

The Olympic motto is Faster, Higher, Stronger, Suzy’s motto was Kinkier, Hornier, Swallow-ier.

 Since you asked: 

Johnny “Football” Manziel? Wow. That guy is a human machine designed to score touchdowns. They could put that guy in on defense and he would make plays. Big plays.

Johnny “Football”, best corny sports nickname since Ted Williams’s Teddy Ballgame.

Can’t wait for biopic on Jackie Robinson. In my opinion one of the greatest athletes of all time. Great running back for UCLA, leading point guard for UCLA basketball team, and his mark in the Long Jump one year would have won the Olympics. Baseball was Robinson’s fourth best sport, and he is in the Hall of Fame.