Friday, August 17, 2012

Is it just me of does Paul Ryan look like "Glee" Will's older brother?
“Men of Oregon, I invite you to become students of your events. Running, one might say, is basically an absurd past-time upon which to be exhausting ourselves. But if you can find meaning, in the kind of running you have to do to stay on this team, chances are you will be able to find meaning in another absurd past-time: life.”
- Bill Bowerman

Thursday, August 16, 2012

We gonna lay the ruckus on they tuchus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It might sound like sour grapes, but a lot of people accuse Chinese Olympic gold medal swimmer, Ye Sciwen, of using performance enhancing drugs. They may be right. They tried to test her, but every time she peed into a cup, the cup melted.

Mitt Romney had a horse in the Olympics that finished 18th. You know what that means? They’re going to fly the horse home by strapping it to the roof of their private jet.

For some reason the judges thought the horse just went through the motions without showing much personality.

Since you asked: 
So I regaled my hard-to-impress just-turned 14-year-old daughter with my impression of Carmel Valley moms shopping at the grocery store;


It is "Excuse me" but in that pinched and affected aging-Valley Girl lisp spit out on the threshold between impatience and bitter anger. The words and the intent are at odds. It is really saying; "Get the eff out of my way," in a passive aggressive manner. 

A.C. laughed and then dismissed it as something her knuckle-head dad did, but didn't actually exist. 

Then one day she came back from the store and said;

"Oh, my god, Dad, I heard women doing your imitation five times at the store. They sound exactly like you."

Then one day after soccer practice, we walk into Vons and there is a thirty-something women standing in front of the mini-Starbucks in Vons and she is angry because nobody is behind the counter. So she turns to the people behind the deli counter and shouts;





She sounded like a car alarm. And she was confused why Ann Caroline and I dissolved into tears of laughter.  

One of the real Olympic treats for me were: 

The fact that the one color Nike chose for all of its shoes was the exact same neon/yellow/lime of Usain Bolt's Jamaican uniform, and Bolt was wearing Puma track shoes. That had to make the evil Phil Knight minion's nasty, nerdy blood boil. 

Love the name Horse Guards Parade. From now on all Olympic venues should be named after a combination of three great words.

"For women's water polo, we now take you to Puppy Cake Nap. "

"Now for rowing we take you to After-Surfing Lemonade."

"Let head over the men's volleyball gym at Wine Steak Potatoes." 

  "For more exciting men's handball, let's go to Sunshine Blues Margarita."

"The women's boxing finals are happening right now at Laughter Massage Tacos."  

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

 This right here might be our type of breed puppy. Odds on choice of name so far is Morgan.

Man it is hot. I am sweating like Hope Solo waiting for the results of her post-Olympic pregnancy test. 

In her book, "Hope", US goalie, Hope Solo, admitted she snuck a male celebrity guest into her Olympic village room. While there apparently they worked on a late night shots-on-goal drill. 

You know what Olympic sport I miss? The Equestrian events. Like that one time when that really rich white guy beat that filthy rich white guy. That was exciting. 

Great Olympics, Nike. If nothing else at least you can take pride in knowing you sponsored the greatest Olympic sprinter of all time. Huh? Wait. What? Usain Bolt is sponsored by Puma? Oops. Sorry. Go back to your serial ass-munching, you snotty, two-faced tools.  

It's now $200,000.  

Monday, August 13, 2012

How about that spoiled-brat bitchy sneer on that entitled McKayla Maroney's face? My word, you can see the millions of dollars of endorsements flying away as she personifies the worst in a generation that gets irritated because the speed of light isn't fast enough for their cell phones. 

And she was such an amazing gymnast, but that please-somebody-slap-that-face is how she will be remembered. 

Whewwwww, that is hippy talk, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Five-time Olympic swimming medalist, Ryan Lochte admitted to peeing in the pool. Now we know why Lochte went last in the relays.

And we thought he was standing in the water smiling because he won a medal.

Chuck Norris is upset at President Barack Obama for not speaking out in favor of banning gays from the Boy Scouts. That is great, but I am going to wait to hear what Claude Van Dam thinks.
Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. I like Paul Ryan, he looks like the guy at the office who goes into detail about his golf game whether you asked him or not.

Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Democratic critics have described Ryan as a male Sarah Palin, but with a smaller penis.

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt won three gold medals. What a great name for a sprinter, Bolt. Whereas sprinter Carl Napping didn’t do very well.

The Olympic Marathon silver and bronze medals were won by Kenyans. In equally shocking news, a Sumo wrestling match was won by a half-naked fat guy.

Since you asked:

Saw an article in an online paper that claims the title of World’s Greatest Athlete should go to Usain Bolt instead of Decathlon winner, Ashton Eaton.

Let’s think about that.

How about we have them do the other one’s event/events and compare?

Granted, in Bolts’s events, Eaton loses to Bolt in the 100 meters and the 200 meters. He does well enough to make it to the back of pack in the semis, but he loses to Bolt by a good five meters. Maybe even more in the 200.

Fine, now let’s put Bolt in the Decathlon. Yes, Bolt wins the 100 and the 400 by a good margin. (There is no 200 in the Decathlon) That is only two out of ten events. Besides maybe a decent long jump due to his sheer speed, Bolt gets absolutely drubbed – yes, I said drubbed – by Ashton Eaton in the other seven events.


To put the Decathlon in perspective, imagine there is a sport that combines ten events and one of the events is golf. With ten other events to train for, they could only get around to hitting golf balls maybe twice or three times a week. Whereas dedicated pro golfers are hitting 500 to 1,000 balls each day.

On a good day, the pro golfer shoots a 68. Training one tenth of the time, the Decathletes are shooting the equivalent of about a 74. Not going to win, but a very good golf score.

Don’t know if you noticed, but during the pole vault at the Olympics, Eaton soared over 17 feet. He will be an 18 foot vaulter sooner than later. That is huge. The pole vault is, by far, the biggest point-getter in the Decathlon.

Took an informal poll of the parents of my daughter’s soccer team after the Olympic Trials. These are well-educated, fit, sports-savvy folks. Want to know how many knew exactly who Ashton Eaton was? Zero. 

One or two had heard his name and then figured it out, but none of them knew the name of the American who had the world record going into the Olympics.

But all of them knew that Bruce Jenner was Kim Kardashian’s step father.


30 Rock: Tracy Jordan's Church Dance Group

30 Rock: Tracy Jordan's Church Dance Group

Donald Glover does a dead-on Tracy Morgan/Jordan