Thursday, August 16, 2012

We gonna lay the ruckus on they tuchus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It might sound like sour grapes, but a lot of people accuse Chinese Olympic gold medal swimmer, Ye Sciwen, of using performance enhancing drugs. They may be right. They tried to test her, but every time she peed into a cup, the cup melted.

Mitt Romney had a horse in the Olympics that finished 18th. You know what that means? They’re going to fly the horse home by strapping it to the roof of their private jet.

For some reason the judges thought the horse just went through the motions without showing much personality.

Since you asked: 
So I regaled my hard-to-impress just-turned 14-year-old daughter with my impression of Carmel Valley moms shopping at the grocery store;


It is "Excuse me" but in that pinched and affected aging-Valley Girl lisp spit out on the threshold between impatience and bitter anger. The words and the intent are at odds. It is really saying; "Get the eff out of my way," in a passive aggressive manner. 

A.C. laughed and then dismissed it as something her knuckle-head dad did, but didn't actually exist. 

Then one day she came back from the store and said;

"Oh, my god, Dad, I heard women doing your imitation five times at the store. They sound exactly like you."

Then one day after soccer practice, we walk into Vons and there is a thirty-something women standing in front of the mini-Starbucks in Vons and she is angry because nobody is behind the counter. So she turns to the people behind the deli counter and shouts;





She sounded like a car alarm. And she was confused why Ann Caroline and I dissolved into tears of laughter.  

One of the real Olympic treats for me were: 

The fact that the one color Nike chose for all of its shoes was the exact same neon/yellow/lime of Usain Bolt's Jamaican uniform, and Bolt was wearing Puma track shoes. That had to make the evil Phil Knight minion's nasty, nerdy blood boil. 

Love the name Horse Guards Parade. From now on all Olympic venues should be named after a combination of three great words.

"For women's water polo, we now take you to Puppy Cake Nap. "

"Now for rowing we take you to After-Surfing Lemonade."

"Let head over the men's volleyball gym at Wine Steak Potatoes." 

  "For more exciting men's handball, let's go to Sunshine Blues Margarita."

"The women's boxing finals are happening right now at Laughter Massage Tacos."