Thursday, June 14, 2012

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Ohio, a man robbed a Toledo bank wearing a Darth Vader mask; the suspect is described as armed and extremely virginal.

The NBA Finals started last tonight with the Miami Heat losing at the Oklahoma City Thunder. A lot of people love to hate the Heat for the same reasons they hate the New York Yankees: they pay the most to get the best players and all of them have dated a Kardashian.

Burger King is going to offer a Sundae that has vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, nuts, melted caramel, bacon crumbles and a piece of bacon, err, uh (pounding chest) sorry, I just had a cardiac episode talking about it.

The Burger King Sundae makes the perfect Father’s Day treat provided you’re trying to kill your father.

The NBA Finals started tonight with the Miami Heat losing at the Oklahoma City Thunder. Is it just me, or does the Heat v. Thunder sound like the finalists in a meteorologist softball tournament? The Heat and the Thunder beat the Barometers and the Precipitations to be in the finals.

If you don’t have plans for Father’s Day, you can’t go wrong with going out to a nice brunch, going on a scenic hike then a fancy dinner. What are you, nuts? Dad doesn’t want to do any of that crap. Just let him watch sports on the couch.

A book claims Barack Obama smoked pot in college in California in the early eighties; the evidence is pretty strong Obama smoked pot in that he was in college in California in the early eighties.

Since you asked:

This is starting to get insulting. Last post I basically claim Nike plotted, planned and encouraged the incidents of gang members shooting each other to steal Nike shoes and not one response from an entire ten story building filled with lawyers on the Nike campus in Beaverton, Oregon. Not even a threat of litigation.

Prius Dick Move of the Week

 A kid is about to walk across the intersection at the North end. A Prius comes cruising up to the stop sign at the South end. The kid, thinking the car would stop at the stop sign begins walking across the intersection. The Prius rolls through the stop, barely slowing down and then, when he looks up to see a kid walking in the crosswalk in front of him, he angrily slams on the breaks and sticks his head out and starts screaming at the kid for being in his way.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Viddy, Viddy, Viddy, didn’t do no hyooonse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Saturday was Madrid’s Annual Naked Bicycle Ride day. And Sunday was the annual Don’t Buy a Used Bike in Madrid day.

Asked to comment how it felt to ride a bike naked down ancient cobblestone streets, one mans said; “Yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.”

Mitt Romney accused Barack Obama of being out of touch. Then Mitt left for his 4:00 PM caviar facial and then boarded his private jet for a flight to Stockholm to buy a Polo pony.

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Kings who won the Stanley Cup; it has to be tough for all those hard winter hockey towns to have the Kings win, like the Phoenix Coyotes, Tampa Bay Lightening and the Florida Panthers.

Lindsay Lohan is OK after totaling a Porsche. They did not say if drugs and alcohol were involved kind of like they didn’t say that stupidity and bad judgment were involved. 

Since you asked: 

My bad. I've gone too long without mentioning how much I hate Nike and the people who work there. Not gonna get my $100,000 silence bribe that way.

It goes all the way back to 1976. I bought my first pair of Nikes with what little money I had. The blue cheap nylon "running" shoes with the yellow swoosh and black waffle bottom. The first time you took a step sideways, you tore through the sides. Total crap.

So, like everyone else who owned these crappy shoes, I had the opinion that Nike really sucked. 

Two years later at UCSB, I have the honor of training for the Decathlon with the greatest track coach of all time, Sam Adams. And many of the elite Decathletes in the world and US trained there as well.

Most of the top Decathletes were sponsored by Adidas or Puma. To keep things simple in a German way, they just established a point limit you had to achieve - and maintain - to be sponsored. Adidas was 8,000 points and Puma was a little less. Way out of my range.

The Nike rep came groveling around the track and whined and whimpered to those top athletes to switch to Nike. (They wouldn't talk to us meager UCSB student Decathletes)

"Puma and Adidas don't care about you. They just see you as a number. Switch to the Nike family and we will care about you deeply as people as well as athletes." 

He must have convinced Sam, because the UCSB track team got free Nike spikes. They were so frail and fragile, many stuck with their own Adidas or Puma anyway. 

Although I was off to New York, I heard that a mere six years later, after establishing their foothold in track, Nike was far more picky and selective and judgmental and snottier with who they sponsored then Puma and Adidas ever were combined.

So much for that Nike family "We care deeply about you as people" crap.

Nike went on to invent and spread like a cancer the win-at-any-costs-even-if-you-cheat-with-performance-enhancing-drugs mentality that is strangling sports and killing everything about sports we love.  

As bad as most of the snotty hypocrites are at Nike, the worst are the legion of hardcore, vegan, camping, Nazi feminists who work for a company that supports known rapists and sexual attackers, like Kobe Bryant, Ben Roethlisberger and a sexual predator, Tiger Woods.

How do they sleep at night? 

But remember, this is a company co-founded by a guy who is such an out-of-touch stupid dick, Phil Knight, that Knight came out in support of a man who ignored a known child molester on his staff, Jerry Sandusky, in one Joe Paterno.   

You want some perspective of how little Nike thinks of their base consumers? Forget that they don't care about exploiting child laborers who make the shoes, they invented and support a culture where drug dealers and gang members kill each other for Nike shoes. 

And they openly continue with that practice launching a $5,000 shoe with Kanye West.  

So how long until Nike teams with Chris Brown and launches a shoe called the Air Punch Rihanna? 

Nike. What a bunch of sexist, douche-bag hypocrites, even back in the '80's. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Why they talkin’ all that mess, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? 

Pakistan cancelled a $20 million production of “The Muppets.” The relationship between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy was strained. In Islamic Pakistan, Kermit is not allowed to eat pork.

President Obama’s Stop Prison Rape Act has stalled. They were waiting to see if John Edwards was going to prison, but now they can go back to passing it.

Well, Satan is happy. Nike and Kanye West have produced a shoe, the Air Yeezy II, that is selling for $10,000. The shoes come with a certificate that officially declares the buyer of the shoe a world class schmuck.

DC Comics announced the Green Lantern is the first gay superhero. Whereas Batman and Robin continue to be the first closeted gay union under the transparent terms millionaire bachelor and trusted ward.

DC Comics announced the Green Lantern as the first gay superhero. The second gay superhero is new, Kyle the Choreographer. His superpower is to get bad guys to try out for a musical then he viciously cuts them in the audition.

Since you asked:

Saw some amazing Pious, er, Prius- on- Prius crime Saturday. A Prius was tailgating another Prius and then cut it off without signaling.

Figured out why Prius drivers are often such massive tools. The biggest tools are clearly Hummer drivers, they don’t give a damn about the environment or anyone else, they want the most ostentatious car they can get.

But they are open about it.

Prius drivers are smug because they tell everyone how much they are saving the environment. Truth is they are cheap and don’t want to pay for gas. Which I understand, believe me, but just be honest about it.

If I ever meet a Prius driver who will say;

“I don’t give a crap about the air quality, I just got sick of spending so much at the pump,” 

I will buy them a T-bone steak. Or some bean curd shaped into the form of a T-bone steak.