Tuesday, April 17, 2012

It’s hard in the ‘bu for a boo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Turns out three of the secret service agents who were suspended for hiring Columbian prostitutes were elite agents. Which is some coincidence because the hookers they hired were from a brothel called the Elite Agency.

The United States is the world’s largest exporter of sperm. Who could have ever guessed the world’s largest producer of online porn would also be the world’s largest sperm exporter?

A six-year-old girl in Georgia and an 11-year-old girl in Colorado had to be handcuffed and jailed after violent tantrums; that is simply horrible. They didn’t use mace, tasers or straight jackets? What’s the use of this technology if they don’t use it on unruly brats? 

11 secret service agents are suspended due to hiring prostitutes in Columbia; one of the prostitutes had a huge butt and no education so they gave her the secret service codename Kardashian.

In an interview on “Today” Madonna said it was hard to be Madonna. I, for one, believe her, you try and be a hugely rich performer on virtually no talent whatsoever. It’s hard.

"Poor Madonna, I feel so sorry for her," said absolutely nobody on the planet.

All kidding aside, I do feel for Madonna. You try and see how long you can go talking in a phony British accent.

Since you asked:
One thing I can say about our beloved dog, Wrigley, is he is one schedule-sticking dog. Wrigley, in fact, can keep to a schedule way better than someone else who lives in this house who shall remain nameless but whose name rhymes with Shershinia.

Wrigley knows exactly what time he gets fed. And he will begin giving me the bidness on the 7:00 hour. The bidness is when he makes sure he is in my line of sight, sits glaring sweetly and rocking back from one front paw to the other. Every few minutes he throws in a hand nudge with his snout.

At exactly 2:30, Wrigley does the same routine for his snack and a nap. He has to, a, get a treat and then, b, retire to his bed in the garage for a two hour snooze.

Was going to write some snippy things about another sub-culture group, but I decided to take the high road. Suffice it to say if you see a hipster Prius driver with a skateboard, he ain't my kind of guy.

Laughing Baby & Lab

Monday, April 16, 2012

Harriett, Harr-ie- ittt, hard-hearted harbinger of haggis, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Let me get this straight. A secret service agent hires a Columbian hooker, brings her back to his sleazy hotel room, has sex with her, cheats her out of her fee and then lies about it. Here is my question: why isn’t this guy a politician? He’s a natural.

This really happened:

So I am in that wonderful natural high after a hard workout and right before grilling and having a cocktail. Then I have to run to the store. At the in-grocery-store Starbucks is a full-blown hipster. Dude in over-the-ankle laced-up leather boots, skinny jeans, middle eastern scarf, close-cropped beard, thick black rim glasses and a floppy wool hat. He looked like a guy going trick or treating on Halloween as a Hipster.

Before I even know I did it, out of my mouth shoots:

“What the f@ck is that?”

Ten-to-one he got there in a Prius.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

You know how you can just look at some people and know they are suspect? It usually isn't one thing - although it can be, like a bluetooth earpiece or Birkenstocks and socks - but usually it is a collection of things.

There was a guy of bigger than normal size talking very loudly in line at the grocery store on his cell phone. His body language seemed really confident, like he knew how to handle himself on a soccer or rugby field, and he was quite hairy.

The next thing I noticed were his his white and gold disco t-shirt and designer jeans.

He was really loud and animatedly yelling in a different language that I couldn't quite make out. My guess is Eastern European, like Hungarian.

We had these awesome hard-working Serbs who did our remodel and, to my untrained ear, it always sounded like they were saying;

"Push, push, in zee bush.'"

That's what this guy sounded like.Maybe with a bit more Turkish. And just below shouting.

But what was classic with this guy was he was under the delusion we couldn't understand him when he sprinkled his conversation with English profanity, sounding something like this:

"Meesh, push, moosh, shcmoo mash heeshin a$$hole push smashesh mesh wuss cuss heesh c@cksucker wahs shoeeloosh shumlee muss pr*ck."

Trust me, it was hilarious.