Saturday, January 21, 2012

Isn’t the Kim Kardashian plummet from popularity fun? It helps restore our faith in the tastes of modern culture.

Except for the select group who loved E’s “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” most folks had no idea how truly awful Kim Kardashian was. Those select few E viewers loved to hate the vile Kim, but most did not.

For the rest of us, Kim was just a vague novelty. Some vapid celebutante with a huge butt. She was like Lindsay Lohan but without the booze and drugs. Just some talentless idiot famous for being famous.

But then they promoted her wedding to death, she received $15 million for it and then bolted after 72 days like the evil gold digger that she is. Suddenly Kim went from Lindsay Lohan to Paris Hilton. We can take entertaining crazy bimbos, we cannot take a stone cold greedy bitch.

Without the child-murderer implications, Kim went from Lindsay Lohan to hated almost as much as Casey Anthony. For most right-thinking people, it is not fun to hate someone who is clearly that despicable.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Talk about multi-tasking - 100.7 Jack FM San Diego Radio & DSC- sandiegojack

Hey, I don't make the rules, I just play by them.

Talk about multi-tasking - 100.7 Jack FM San Diego Radio & DSC- sandiegojack

Did you notice what I did? Yep, what an ugly color of green on that board.

Too hot to handle now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tuesday in LA, a United States Postal Service mailman was caught on security camera throwing a fragile box, a cuckoo clock, over a fence. When informed the Post Office was shocked. The mailman wasn’t supposed to throw that package over the fence until Friday.

In an interview with “Men’s Journal” Mark Wahlberg said, if he was on one of the 9-11 hijacked planes, he would have stopped the terrorists. How? Take off his shirt and rub them to death with his washboard abs?

The captain of the cruise ship, Costa Concordia, that sunk off the coast of Italy, now says he did not abandon ship, he tripped and fell into a lifeboat. To which Arnold Schwarzenegger said; “Oh, yeah, and I tripped and fell on top of the housekeeper.”

Now we know why the captain didn't wait for the passengers, he assumed Mark Wahlberg would save them.

A North Carolina inmate tried to sneak a gun in his rectum into prison. They discovered it when he kept asking his cellmate:

“Does this gun make my ass look big?”

"The New York Post" is reporting that Kim Kardashian's popularity is in a free-fall. Her show's ratings have plummeted, her products are not selling, her appearance fees have vanished. Wow, thanks, Tim Tebow, there really is a god.

In an interview with “Men’s Journal” Mark Wahlberg said, if he was on one of the 9-11 hijacked planes, he would have stopped the terrorists. Oh, yeah, the rapping career as Marky-Mark, the underwear ads, "Entourage", I get it. Mark Wahlberg is a douche-bag.

Since you asked:

Although I am pulling for the Niners and the Ravens, I don't think either will win. I got the Pats big over the Ravens, 41-19, and the Giants just outscoring the Niners, 36-33.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Did you see the same thing I did? Yep, she has the blade pointed the wrong way


I know, right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

An online study claims the best online comments are made from people who don’t use their real name. Or so says: HungLikeAMule12.

Rick Perry has quit his presidential campaign; I can think of three reasons why Perry shouldn’t quit: One, less options for the voters. Two, less competition for the candidates. Three, oh shoot, I can’t remember. Oops.

One critic described “Smash” as Katherine McPhee’s first big role; uh, hello? Katherine McPhee co-starred with Ana Faris in the awesome “House Bunny.” Its bad enough “House Bunny” was snubbed for the best picture Oscar. Now this?

An LA man tried to poison his wife’s Rice Krispies. However, after intense interrogation, Snap and Crackle rolled over and accused Pop of planning the whole thing.

The San Francisco Forty Niners face the New York Giants. The Forty Niners are named after the 1849 gold rush miners, nicknamed the Forty Niners. The New York Giants are named after (sorry, no joke, writer could not get on Wikipedia yesterday to access the correct answer)

First, after hitting the rocks, the captain of the sunken Costa Concordia said there was no damage, then he said it was an electrical failure, then he said he didn’t abandon the ship, now he said, when the boat tipped, he fell into the lifeboat. Here’s my question: why isn’t this guy running for president of the United States?

A North Carolina inmate tried to sneak a gun in his rectum into prison. It was discovered by his cellmate who said; “Hey, is that a gun in your butt or are you just glad to see me? Nope, yeah, that’s a gun in your butt.”

How does a gun in the butt work? “Put your hands up or I’ll poop.”

*"Like a lot of men in this town, I like to make love to my wife."

-Phil Dunphy in support of Claire's TV debate for city council.

Dear God:

If I ever say "That is so 12 seconds ago" about my 4g cell phone like those crank nozzles on the AT&T commercials, no matter how sloppy or awful it has to be, kill me right then.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Shit Girls Say - Episode 1

The Golden Globe Awards were this weekend. Owen Wilson won an unusual award: Best Actor With a Nose Like an Uncircumcised Penis.

Scientists have named a fly after Beyonce because of its beautiful golden behind. And they named the pile of pig manure the fly was eating: the Kardashians.

Now, I don’t want to say Green Bay’s QB, Aaron Rodgers, choked in their 37-20 loss to the New York Giants, but Rodger’s new State Farm discount double-check move? Both hands clutching his throat.

The Kardashian’s are coming out with their own magazine. The magazine comes complete with pictures and a few of those little things made with letters. What are they called? Oh yeah, words.

Some great NFL games this weekend, but aren’t the players congratulating themselves just a little too much? After they measured for a first down, even the chain crew did a celebration dance.

When you watch NFL games there is a lot of celebratory dancing and players have real long hair, like Brooks Reed, Clay Matthews and Troy Palamalu. Not to sound old, but I remember the days when the only people dancing at football games with luxurious long hair were cheerleaders.

The CDC claims one-in-six Americans are binge drinkers. So the next time you’re at a party, start to count people: let’s see, not him, not her, not him, not him, not her, yeah, it’s you. You’re the binge drinker.

Denver Bronco Tim Tebow had a rough game losing to the Patriots, 45-10. You know it was bad when, before the game when Tebow prayed, god told him to take the Patriots and give the 13.5 points.

Denver Bronco Tim Tebow had a rough game losing to the Patriots, 45-10. But Tebow was distracted, he and god were working hard at keeping Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan sober for the Golden Globes.

Turns out the captain of the sunken Italian cruise ship changed course at the request of the head waiter. As a former waiter, if you want to know the specials and open a bottle of wine? Ask a waiter. How to navigating a 4,200 passenger ship? Don’t ask a waiter.

And now it is time to play a rousing game of

Sh*t Lex Says:

Wow, this blowtorch can mess up a 'taint.

So what you're telling me is the wine cork can go back into the bottle?

(Sniiiiiiifffff) Eff it, Febreze can fix this.

Those f*ckers stole another joke

You know how I hate to brag, but ( followed by shameless bragging)

Hey stinkasuaras, stinkalinnkadingdong, stinkorama, stinkyflinkerstink.

This is the greatest song ever (followed after wine is consumed)

Have I told you this one before? (followed by my telling you whether you say yes or not)

That was my best session ever (after every surf session as long as I don't get stung by a stingray or killed/maimed by a shark)

What an effing douche-bag/a-hole (about every Carmel Valley driver who a, cuts me off, b, turns without signaling, c, rolls out of turn at the stop sign, d, pulls out of a parking spot without looking, e does all of the above while on hand-held cell phone)

Since you asked:

Every now and again - and thankfully for us comedy writers - celebrities really let fly with their full blown douche-ability. OJ, Paris, Kim, Arnold, Mel, Lindsay, Val Kilmer, Wesley Snipes, John Edwards, the list is endless and keeps growing.

But Mark Wahlberg really hit it out of the park with his prediction that, if he were on one of the hijacked planes on 9/11, he would have killed the terrorists.

First of all, nobody, and I mean nobody has any idea how they would respond in that situation before being in one. Everyone likes to think they would act bravely if their lives were threatened, but nobody knows, especially Mark Effin’ Wahlberg.

Have met some amazingly famous bad-ass dudes in my time. In rough order, Rafer Johnson, Mark Messier, Clay Mathews II. True blood A dogs. Combined with them and my buddy who is a highly decorated Navy Seal, I know a true bad ass when I see one.

One thing true badasses don’t ever do is try and impress upon you how much of a badass they are. You know it, they know you know it, they know it. They have an eerie serenity to them. The first sign someone is not a badass is if they go around trying to prove what a badass they are.

My buddy the Navy Seal was awarded the Purple Heart four times. How many Purple Hearts does he have? Three. He refused one because he was not pleased with how the mission went.

If you asked him what would happen if he was on one of those planes, he would not speculate one way or the other as to whether he would be successful or not.

But Mark Wahlberg can and did.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Slip, bop dittywhop, dippity dappy dew, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Here is a friend of Ann Caroline's, Bridget Sway, with Becks. How cool is that?

Good news for college kids planning Spring Break; after being closed for a month, North Korea is open for tourism. Their tourism motto: “Come for the oppression, stay for the poverty.”

Hostess, the company that makes Twinkies, has declared bankruptcy. Upon hearing this, Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: “Screw the financial industry, save the Twinkie.”

Starbucks has forbidden employees to joke about their new blonde roast coffee. So no jokes about how the blonde coffee has a higher chance of ending up in a guy’s lap.

Since you asked:

I'll be gull derned if that ain't a dewswacky.

Great weekend. AC played awesome soccer. Grilled some chicken. Played harp at Leucadian in front of a packed house. Went to friend's for perfectly smoked Tri Tip. Saw one of the greatest fourth quarters in history with the 'Niners beating the Saints. Even did a home repair on a wall. Only thing missing was surfing, which I plan to hit this week, Tebow's buddy willing.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Performance Paddling Competition Team

This is where I learned to stand up.