Thursday, January 19, 2012

Did you see the same thing I did? Yep, she has the blade pointed the wrong way


I know, right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

An online study claims the best online comments are made from people who don’t use their real name. Or so says: HungLikeAMule12.

Rick Perry has quit his presidential campaign; I can think of three reasons why Perry shouldn’t quit: One, less options for the voters. Two, less competition for the candidates. Three, oh shoot, I can’t remember. Oops.

One critic described “Smash” as Katherine McPhee’s first big role; uh, hello? Katherine McPhee co-starred with Ana Faris in the awesome “House Bunny.” Its bad enough “House Bunny” was snubbed for the best picture Oscar. Now this?

An LA man tried to poison his wife’s Rice Krispies. However, after intense interrogation, Snap and Crackle rolled over and accused Pop of planning the whole thing.

The San Francisco Forty Niners face the New York Giants. The Forty Niners are named after the 1849 gold rush miners, nicknamed the Forty Niners. The New York Giants are named after (sorry, no joke, writer could not get on Wikipedia yesterday to access the correct answer)

First, after hitting the rocks, the captain of the sunken Costa Concordia said there was no damage, then he said it was an electrical failure, then he said he didn’t abandon the ship, now he said, when the boat tipped, he fell into the lifeboat. Here’s my question: why isn’t this guy running for president of the United States?

A North Carolina inmate tried to sneak a gun in his rectum into prison. It was discovered by his cellmate who said; “Hey, is that a gun in your butt or are you just glad to see me? Nope, yeah, that’s a gun in your butt.”

How does a gun in the butt work? “Put your hands up or I’ll poop.”

*"Like a lot of men in this town, I like to make love to my wife."

-Phil Dunphy in support of Claire's TV debate for city council.

Dear God:

If I ever say "That is so 12 seconds ago" about my 4g cell phone like those crank nozzles on the AT&T commercials, no matter how sloppy or awful it has to be, kill me right then.