Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Golden Globe Awards were this weekend. Owen Wilson won an unusual award: Best Actor With a Nose Like an Uncircumcised Penis.

Scientists have named a fly after Beyonce because of its beautiful golden behind. And they named the pile of pig manure the fly was eating: the Kardashians.

Now, I don’t want to say Green Bay’s QB, Aaron Rodgers, choked in their 37-20 loss to the New York Giants, but Rodger’s new State Farm discount double-check move? Both hands clutching his throat.

The Kardashian’s are coming out with their own magazine. The magazine comes complete with pictures and a few of those little things made with letters. What are they called? Oh yeah, words.

Some great NFL games this weekend, but aren’t the players congratulating themselves just a little too much? After they measured for a first down, even the chain crew did a celebration dance.

When you watch NFL games there is a lot of celebratory dancing and players have real long hair, like Brooks Reed, Clay Matthews and Troy Palamalu. Not to sound old, but I remember the days when the only people dancing at football games with luxurious long hair were cheerleaders.

The CDC claims one-in-six Americans are binge drinkers. So the next time you’re at a party, start to count people: let’s see, not him, not her, not him, not him, not her, yeah, it’s you. You’re the binge drinker.

Denver Bronco Tim Tebow had a rough game losing to the Patriots, 45-10. You know it was bad when, before the game when Tebow prayed, god told him to take the Patriots and give the 13.5 points.

Denver Bronco Tim Tebow had a rough game losing to the Patriots, 45-10. But Tebow was distracted, he and god were working hard at keeping Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan sober for the Golden Globes.

Turns out the captain of the sunken Italian cruise ship changed course at the request of the head waiter. As a former waiter, if you want to know the specials and open a bottle of wine? Ask a waiter. How to navigating a 4,200 passenger ship? Don’t ask a waiter.

And now it is time to play a rousing game of

Sh*t Lex Says:

Wow, this blowtorch can mess up a 'taint.

So what you're telling me is the wine cork can go back into the bottle?

(Sniiiiiiifffff) Eff it, Febreze can fix this.

Those f*ckers stole another joke

You know how I hate to brag, but ( followed by shameless bragging)

Hey stinkasuaras, stinkalinnkadingdong, stinkorama, stinkyflinkerstink.

This is the greatest song ever (followed after wine is consumed)

Have I told you this one before? (followed by my telling you whether you say yes or not)

That was my best session ever (after every surf session as long as I don't get stung by a stingray or killed/maimed by a shark)

What an effing douche-bag/a-hole (about every Carmel Valley driver who a, cuts me off, b, turns without signaling, c, rolls out of turn at the stop sign, d, pulls out of a parking spot without looking, e does all of the above while on hand-held cell phone)

Since you asked:

Every now and again - and thankfully for us comedy writers - celebrities really let fly with their full blown douche-ability. OJ, Paris, Kim, Arnold, Mel, Lindsay, Val Kilmer, Wesley Snipes, John Edwards, the list is endless and keeps growing.

But Mark Wahlberg really hit it out of the park with his prediction that, if he were on one of the hijacked planes on 9/11, he would have killed the terrorists.

First of all, nobody, and I mean nobody has any idea how they would respond in that situation before being in one. Everyone likes to think they would act bravely if their lives were threatened, but nobody knows, especially Mark Effin’ Wahlberg.

Have met some amazingly famous bad-ass dudes in my time. In rough order, Rafer Johnson, Mark Messier, Clay Mathews II. True blood A dogs. Combined with them and my buddy who is a highly decorated Navy Seal, I know a true bad ass when I see one.

One thing true badasses don’t ever do is try and impress upon you how much of a badass they are. You know it, they know you know it, they know it. They have an eerie serenity to them. The first sign someone is not a badass is if they go around trying to prove what a badass they are.

My buddy the Navy Seal was awarded the Purple Heart four times. How many Purple Hearts does he have? Three. He refused one because he was not pleased with how the mission went.

If you asked him what would happen if he was on one of those planes, he would not speculate one way or the other as to whether he would be successful or not.

But Mark Wahlberg can and did.