Saturday, December 03, 2011

Bizzle gets some Dunkers.

This right here the scene of the crime this morgan. Call me a steely-eyed waterman, I don't give a g-dam no-never-mind. Tasty little two-footers whose shape were made nice by the off-shore wind. Caught about seven nice ones with two in and outs. (Rode the wave and then kicked out and paddled back out without getting off the board or falling)

A little seal pup stayed with me the whole session. It was like having a little doggie with me.

Golf-on-TV, nap, grilled rib-eye with fries and red wine, Okie V. Okie State game in my future.

Speaking of golf, here is a little something I call:

The Descent Of Tiger

Here is how Tiger has dropped in my opinion - and I think a lot of other people's opinions as well.

At first Tiger was my guy. He wasn't just the biggest thing in golf, he was the biggest thing in sports. Rooting for him way above all others, even my man Phil.

At the time of his apex, that famous American Express commercial where he juggled to ball on his club and whacked it a mile, Tiger was a myth-maker. He was like Bo Jackson, Jim Brown, John Elway, Joe Montana, Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth. People spoke of his super-human accomplishments with awe: he could bench press a billion pounds, he could eat nine thousand tacos, he could shoot fire out his arse.

Then slowly we saw the swearing, lack of class, slamming down clubs, he fired his nice old guy caddy, Fluff, he hired an a-hole thug, Steve Williams, his one syllable responses in press conferences. He as no longer my guy, but I was still rooting for him. Still like what he did for golf.

Then he came to Torrey Pines and left a tidal wave of bad behavior is his path: rude, no-tipper, jerk to other players, full-blown-a-hole to people working on the course. Now I was still rooting for him, but not nearly as much.

Then I went with my good buddy, Mark Snickity O'Snake, and saw Tiger play at the Buick Open at Torrey Pines.

Now, to review, I had seen the young Tiger as a spectator at a celebrity event in Palm Desert. He struck me as the nerdy guy you let into your fraternity because he could get you on the local golf course. He was Eldrick, not Tiger. A allergy-ridden, nose-blowing, slump-shouldered dork, but a harmless enough seemingly nice guy.

The guy I then saw at Torrey Pines was not the same guy I first saw. He was a chest-puffing, eye-averting poser. He was pumped up on HGH or 'roids or both. He had bought his Nike-hype hook-line and sinker and was clearly acting like a bad ass that he was not.

He was playing the role of Tiger Woods. He was a phony. At this point Phil Mickelson became my guy.

Then came two Thanksgivings ago. We finally got to see the real Tiger Woods. Caught cheating with every cheap floozy he saw who wore a skirt, instead of facing the music like a man, he then retreated to his man cave to play video games and eat Fruit Loops in his underwear.

People can take a lot. They can take a drug-addict, they can take a womanizer, they can even take both, ala Charlie Sheen.

What they cannot take is a full-blown a-hole hypocrite. Tiger made untold millions specifically hyping his perfect husband and Dad image. That image was a horrible lie.

Eff him. Done. From that point on, I was rooting against Tiger Woods. Still am.

So, in descending order, Tiger was my hero, then he was my guy, he was my guy with flaws, then he was not my guy, but I was rooting for him. Then I wasn't rooting for him, but it was fun to watch him win, he made the tournaments more interesting. And he was winning.

Now I am rooting against Tiger Woods.

Don't get me wrong, Tiger makes things more interesting, like his tournament at Thousand Oaks. But I am cheering for other people to not only beat him but to embarrass him. It would be better for sports and golf if Tiger started winning again. But I don't want him to win.

In short, Tiger Woods has plummeted from a god-like icon to the personification of all that is wrong with sports: a falsely and over-hyped, drug-enhanced, overly-paid horrible person.

And I am pretty sure Tiger doesn't care what I think.

SUP Stand Up Paddle Surfing a 7 Foot Board on Maui

Except for the 360's and the fin-first stuff, this was me at La Jolla Shores this morgan.

Friday, December 02, 2011


Beagle Freedom Project - Second Rescue - June 8, 2011

Bless their hearts. Oh, already done. (Spoiler alert. If you have a heart, you will cry)
I’m not gay, I’m French*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Another woman has come forward to claim she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain; remember the good old days when the dumbest thing Cain had done was run a commercial of a guy smoking?

The judge sentenced Michael Jackson’s physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, to the maximum four year sentence for involuntary manslaughter. Apparently the judge wanted to make a strong statement against black-on-white crime.

In Montreal, a former British soccer player, David Testo, has admitted he is gay. American sports fans are shocked. Does this mean there are soccer players who are not gay?

Detroit Lion, Ndamukong Suh, was suspended two games for stomping on a player’s arm; you know you had a bad game when you’re the biggest idiot the week one player loses a game due to a taunting dance and another gets caught peeing on the sideline.

According to a survey by Ohio State, men think about sex 19 times a day. Which doesn’t sound bad until you realize each of the 19 times lasts one hour each.

Still have leftover, nasty, dried out Thanksgiving turkey? Here’s what you do; take it to work, put it next to a card with “Turkey Jerky” written on it, it will be gone by lunch.

Ever call a help line? When I am on hold and the recording says; "Our representatives are busy servicing other customers," you don't want to know what I am imagining.

Since you asked:
Shout out to my Santa Banana peeps. (Yes, I said peeps and shout out)

Here is my question: at the awesome Cold Springs Tavern bar up in the mountains of Santa Barbara, do they still have, mounted on the wall, Redolph the rude-nosed Reindeer?

*What Claire’s (Julie Bowen) boy-toy said when she thought she was objectifying a gay man for a fun night out on “Modern Family.”

Dear Kasey-boop,

Sure, it makes me seem like a crazy-man to write to you, but it makes me feel better to even pretend to talk to you. It's like when Forest talks to Jenny's grave.

Last night when I let Wrigley in, I must have been tired, but I waited a good two seconds for you to come in too. We don't just miss you, we think you're still here.

After my dad and mom died, I used to think I saw them in the crowd. And that their being gone was just a big mistake or misunderstanding. Maybe the brain does that to get you through the rough patches? Maybe, in some way, they were in those crowds?

Anyway, Kasey, we still miss you a lot. Always will. It is going to be beyond tough to put that Labrador angel on top of the Christmas tree this year. Guess this will be our first Christmas with two angel Labradors.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Comin' Home

Underrated song
Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant? Wow, just when you thought the news could not get worse for Herman Cain.

Look out, everybody, it's a stand up paddle boardin' daaaaaaaaaaaaaaawg.

We bringin' the righteous to this here ruckus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that the NBA strike is over, the players have to get in shape. I don't want to say the NBA players are out of shape, but their newest sponsor is Spanx body-shaping underwear.

Detroit Lion, Ndamukong Suh, was caught on camera slamming a Green Bay Packer’s helmet to the turf three times and then he stomped on the guy’s arm. Afterwards, Suh denied it, then, at the press conference, he invoked the man upstairs as his excuse. Ding, ding, ding, that’s the moron trifecta.

Two 73-year-old Canadian Football League players, Joe Kapp and Angelo Masco, got in a fist fight at a reunion. The sad part? They both hit harder than any of the San Diego Chargers.

The San Diego Chargers have now lost six games in a row. Who do they think they are, the Indianapolis Colts?

Two 73-year-old Canadian Football League players, Joe Kapp and Angelo Masco, got in a fist fight at a reunion. Sorry, but I think that is great. If I make it to a reunion at 73 and I see some schmuck I didn’t like? I hope I try and pop him.

The San Diego Chargers, who have lost six games in a row, had their kicker, Nick Novak, caught on camera relieving himself on the sideline. Players too lazy to go to the locker room bathroom, Chargers, that’s the kind of trouble urine.

As the NFL playoff picture forms it is becoming clear that only teams with really good quarterbacks will make the playoffs. Here are some signs your quarterback might not be good enough to get your team in the playoffs:

His “I’m a Belieber” t-shirt.

Kim Kardashian won’t return his booty-calls.

Was once on the injured reserve list because his feelings were hurt.

Left practice early to watch “Glee.”

That kicker who was peeing on the sideline? Your QB was holding the cup.

Detroit Lion, Ndamukong Suh was caught on camera slamming a Green Bay Packer’s helmet to the turf three times and then he stomped on the guy’s arm. Incidentally, Ndamukong is an old Swahili name that means: freakin’ idiot.

San Diego Charger kicker, Nick Novak, was caught urinating on the sideline before he missed a game-winning field goal wide right. The worst part? When he peed, he also missed wide right.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

These two, Craig T. Nelson and Bob Odenkirk, have to have derived from the same gene pool
Think I just found out why Tebow is thanking god all the time

Monday, November 28, 2011

This right here a handsome boy, Mister Wrigley "T-Bone" Telluride Kaseberg his own bad self.

New book coming out of pictures and x-rays of items found in folk's rectums. The title? "Keeping it Up Your Kardashian."

Miley Cyrus on tape admitting she is a stoner. Changing her stage name from Hannah Montana to Bakin' Jamaican.

Shopping was brutal last weekend. I got jostled. I got shoved. I got groped. I tell yeah, it was like being a woman working for Herman Cain.

Since you asked:
Here’s the mind-bursting thing about reality TV. The entire premise behind reality TV is a lie. As I have said, there is no such thing as reality TV unless the camera is hidden. If people know they’re being filmed, they act differently.

The most difficult thing for a talented actor to do - besides comedy - is to play a bad guy. It is counter intuitive to everything human beings want to do, especially actors: intentionally act like a jerk while being filmed. Even if someone is playing Hitler or Manson, they want to be liked.

So when Kate Gosselin screams at her children for eating her boyfriend's pizza and Kim Kardashian jets off to Australia to promote her fashion line after bloodlessly filing for divorce after 72 days, we have to keep in mind this is how they want us to see them. They think this behavior is admirable.

Imagine how awful they are when the camera is off?

And now the Kardasian spin machine is attempting to toss Kris under the bus. They don't get it. It isn't good guy versus bad guy. It is bad moron versus evil and stupid moron. Kim is graveyard dead.

Did everything but send the Thanksgiving turkey to charm school. Came out juicy, not just moist, and golden to dark brown.

Five B's. Brine-marinated, braised, buttered, basted and barbequed. The key to chicken, ribs, turkey and pork chops? Apple juice and sea salt brine marinate. Soak Jack Daniels wood chips in water and toss them on the coals. You can barely smell the whiskey on the oak chips and it gives the oak a touch of sweetness.

Hate to admit this:

But my Fantasy team, Thor's Thunder has been snarking hind-moose boobies for the last couple of years. Losing Peyton Manning after five years did not help.

P.S. Snarking Hind Moose Boobies is my new indie band.

How do country singers, like Natalie Maines and Miley Cyrus, get so stupid about alienating their audience?

To review, Dixie Chicks (not exactly a band name that attracts left-wing intellectuals) singer, Natalie Maines, in a blatant attempt to suck up to an anti-American audience in London, told the crowd they were ashamed Bush was from Texas. This on the night of the attack on Iraq when patriotism was at an all-time high..

When the firestorm of anger predictably erupted from the famously patriotic country music fans, a shocked and hurt Maines lashed out and insulted her upset fans by telling them they were ignorant red necks and they would be replaced with fans who agreed with the young, stupid Natalie. (Where these liberal anti-Bush country music fans were going to come from, only Natalie knows)

When concerts began getting cancelled and radio stations burned their records, Maines tried to back-peddle and apologize to Bush while professing her love of our troops and their courage. When that didn't work, Maines, like a petulant brat, retracted the apology.

Natalie Maines is essentially out of the music bidness. Her bandmates going on without her are not far behind. It turns out Natalie was right, the war was a mistake, there were no weapons of mass destruction, and if she had just shut her mouth, she would have been vindicated. It wasn't her politics that ruined Natalie Maines, it was her arrogant stupidity.

Hey, Miley Cyrus. Who makes up the core of your fans? That's right. Tween girls. Maybe younger. Who buys the concert tickets and songs off iPod for the girls? Their "I don't want my daughter listening to potheads" mothers.

What does Miley do? Grabs a microphone and in front of video phones, announces her devotion for and love of smoking pot.