Friday, June 10, 2011

Ball and Biscuit by The White Stripes

Got this on my mind. Don't know why.

Surfing Madonna, children at your feet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just when you think it can’t get better, it turns out one of the women Rep. Anthony Weiner was contacting is a porn star. What’s the difference between a politician and a porn star? One is a horny sleazebag who screws people for money, the other is a porn star.

Things keep getting worse for Rep. Anthony Weiner. Now supposedly there is an embarrassing video of the congressman scratching his butt, sniffing his finger and falling out of a tree.

What do you want to bet that right now Anthony Weiner is the only guy in the world who wishes he was on LinkedIn or MySpace instead of twitter?

Let’s face it, this scandal could have been far more embarrassing for Anthony Weiner. How could it have been more embarrassing? Two words: Male Camel-toe.

Tiger Woods has pulled out of the US Open. And, as we learned from his love life, the US Open is the first thing Tiger has pulled out of.

Anthony Weiner mistakenly sent his crotch shots to all of his twitter followers instead of the one woman he meant to. That is embarrassing, once I sent the message “You make me so hot” to all my twitter followers instead of just Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg.

Chile had a volcano erupt. Well I’m glad I’m not the only one who erupts due to Chili.

The ship that buried Osama bin Laden at sea, the USS Carl Vinson, docked at Pearl Harbor. It will re-supply and fuel-up before heading back out (cough, Moammar) for another (cough, Kadhafi) mission.

Charlie Sheen’s mansion is on the market for $7.2 mil. And if you buy it you get to change its name from the Chlamydia Villa.

Let’s see what’s new with Rep. Anthony “Rockin’ the bun-huggers” Weiner. Republicans are demanding Weiner resign. They feel that if somebody wants to see a man’s crotch, they should go to an airport bathroom or a congressional page’s locker room like god intended.

Spirit Airlines has “See our Weiner” ads featuring a picture of a hot dog and airline fares for as low as $9. It’s caught all of their competitors with their pants down.

The White House says the high unemployment rate is good news because it means people are out looking for jobs. More good news, you know that pay check you’re no longer getting? You don’t have to pay taxes on it.

The Chi-lites "Have you seen her"

Lyrics changed to "Have you Weiner?"

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Of all the celebrity stand up paddle boarders, this d-bag, Brody Jenner, has to be the one able to surf? Guess he does have some athletic genes in there after all. Now I take it back. After closer inspection it appears this was taken right before he fell to his left given the angle of the board.
Basket O'Puppies is my new Irish folk band

Currently I am writing a rom-com about a bromance buddy flick between a metro-sexual and a retro-sexual who sext-message exes for booty calls thanks to friends-with-benefits, but are C-blocked due to their ex’s BFFs hating on their bros-before-ho’s chillaxitude.

The working title?

"When Did Everyone Turn Into a Douche-Bag?"

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Please, Encinitas City Council, just show a modicum of humor and style and keep the surfing Madonna

We are a one-man wolf pack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It could turn out this Weiner guy is the most aptly named politician since Indianapolis mayor, Harry Baals.

This Weiner guy is the most aptly named politician since Frank Schmuck ran for sheriff in Arizona.

NY Rep. Anthony Weiner has come out and admitted he took and sent the pictures of his junk to a woman. Let’s all give thanks Rep. Barney did not take a picture of his Frank.

And you don’t even want to know what picture New Hampshire congressman Dick Swett sent.

Sarah Palin is taking heat for a butchered description of Paul Revere’s ride in Boston. To be fair, Palin was off when she stated Revere posted; “The British are coming” on facebook and twitter.

Republican Rick Santorum is running for president. Santorum is an old Latin word that means: wasting our time.

Sarah Palin is taking heat for a butchered description of Paul Revere’s ride in Boston saying Revere was warning the British. Yeah, instead of yelling; “The British are coming,” he yelled; “You guys are coming. You guys are coming.”

Come on, folks, seriously? With all that’s going on, two wars, bad economy and presidential candidates, all you want to talk about is Rep. Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his junk? Just kidding, I can’t get enough of it either.

It happened again, this time Sara Palin sent a picture of a penis. Oh, wait sorry, I guess Sarah sent a picture of her ex- son-in-law, Levi Johnston’s face. My mistake.

Since you asked:
There is a fascinating tribal aspect to beach culture which I am gaining insight thanks to stand up paddle board surfing. Sure, in Chicago we went to the beach, we swam, we played in the sand. 

But in places like California, Florida and Hawaii there is a real lifestyle and community surrounding the beaches. My first glimpse of it was when Ann Caroline signed up for lifeguard camp in Solana Beach. Well, that camp will be boring after a couple of hours, let alone two weeks, I thought.

Oh, hell no. Not only did they learn about lifesaving techniques and first aid, they learned about the critters in the ocean, the different ways to catch them, how to surf, kayak, skim board, boogey board, sail, paddle, row.

Even the sand castles were an art form. They used tubes, garden hoses and tennis balls and other household products to create these vast engineering structures that used water to turn wheels and open draw bridges.

And interestingly, the beach culture is not all about money. Sure, rich folks live on the ocean, but a surfer who lives out of his van can be a citizen of high standing if he respects others and the ocean. In fact, there is somewhat of a reverse snobbery when it comes to beach culture and money. A guy who is a waiter at age 52 who forsakes having a family and a career to surf is held in the highest regard.

Beach culture extends to the nightlife and campfires, cooking, singing and story telling and, yes, drinking. Clothes, hair, slang, sex, it is all-inclusive.

Granted, local beaches are territorial and outsiders are not suffered well, mocked and in some cases physically threatened, often by testosterone-crazy young surfers. Believe me, young surfers don’t hide their contempt for middle-age stand up paddle boarders. Two douche bag lifeguards from La Jolla cove tried to knock me off my board with the wake from their skiff. (I stayed up and then asked them if they took turns driving each other with their sexy red shorts and their little cute boat)

But generally if respect is given it will be returned.

Generally speaking, surfers really are the most narrow minded sports participants I have ever met. Self-appointed expert cyclists are the biggest douche bags, followed closely by self-appointed expert kayakers. (As with all of these sports, the athletes who are really good don’t cop the snotty attitude, it is the pompous weekend warriors who are obnoxious)

But even the snottiest road cyclist doesn’t refuse to acknowledge other types of cycling exist, like mountain biking. Short board surfers hate old-guy long board surfers. Long board surfers hate little Nazi short board surfers. Local surfers hate visiting surfers. Hell, a professional surfer in La Jolla, Emery Kauanui, was beat up and killed by members of his own Bird Rock Bandits surf gang who hated him and were jealous of him for being so good and successful.

And they all hate stand up paddle board surfers. For a sport that you think would be full of Zen and bliss, there sure is a lot of testosterone-fueled stupidity and anger.

But, as in most sports, the majority of the surfers are cool.

Now, when it comes to Kayakers, however . . .

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

"It's Your Thing" by The Isley Brothers

I'd like to send this out to Anthony "An Nowhere Tiny*" Weiner

Grey cotton ribbed boxers? $15
Salon chest wax? $100
iPhone? $400

Finding out you sent that crotch shot to all your 40,000 twitter followers and not one girl?


*Yes, this is really an anagram of Anthony Weiner.

Dear Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Anthony Weiner:

Why on earth would you not hire a comedy writer to write a joke you could give to the press following your incredible lapse in pants zipper control?

Letterman did it after he got caught banging his co-worker former intern and all is forgiven. ( I hope Stephanie Birkett is OK, she seemed so nice and sweet and naive in her clips with Dave and Tony Mendez)

This Weinergate has it all for us comedy writers. Lust, ego, pride, stupidity, fame, lying, all wrapped up in a nice package of sophomoric potty humor. Perfect for a comedy writer to use to spin it in their favor if they paid him enough.

Granted, I am biased on the hiring and paying of comedy writers to cure all problems. Let's try and forget these clown's stupidity, arrogance and all-around bad decision making, isn't there someone on their staff who has enough b@lls and cleverness to point out what inconceivable tools they are acting like?

Now, in Tiger's case I know there isn't anyone like that because, since they canned the hilarious marketing head, Liz Dolan, Nike is the largest collection of humorless, smug ass-smoochers the planet has ever known. Just like the owner and founder, Phil Knight. Who else would think the use of Tiger's dead father's voice after a tawdry sex-scandal was a good idea? Who else but Nike would tell LeBron James to make a show called "The Decision."?

(During Nike's glory days of "Bo Knows" with Liz Dolan as their spokesperson, they hired someone whose only job was to tell Phil Knight his ideas were horrible. Frequently they used Knight's ideas as reverse barometers and did the opposite of whatever he suggested. Looks like Knight is making decisions again)

But Arnold, Edwards and now Weiner have to have somebody around them who isn't a total brown-nosing nimrod. But I guess not.

Here is all Congressman Waddy-Pants had to do to divert disaster.

A, send your buddy, Lex, a check for $10,000 to write a statement. (In the future, Slats and Nugs, sending me a check fo $10,000 will eradicate most problems)

B, learn and read the following statement.

Dear Public.

OK, as we both already know, I took that picture and I meant to send it to an attractive young woman. (What hacker in his right mind would break in to take a picture of my goodies?)We have all sent e-mails or texts we regret, I just happened to be the genius who sent it to 40,000 people by mistake. Whoever invents the unsend button on a computer will be a deserved billionaire.

Yes, the picture was inappropriate, but I assure you, it was not sexual in nature. Clearly I may be stupid, but I am not crazy. You would have to be crazy to think a young woman would get turned on by a picture of a 46-year-old skinny dude in his undies.

The picture was simply a joke, a really bad joke when you take into consideration my last name. Lucky for all of you my last name isn't Bottum. Or Balzac. But I digress, the point is it was just a joke. I'm happily married - my wife is a babe- and, while I am probably in the dog house for a while, my wife understands there was no romantic intent.

Yours Truly,

Congressman Anthony "Captain Bun-Huggers" Weiner

Best ten thousand bucks he would have ever spent.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Come on, man, I'll be your Doug, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Gimme Shelter | Playing For Change

Well I do declare. The Internet is starting to reach its potential. Awesome.

Look out, everybody, 'cause it's a SUP surfin' daaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwg.

While filming "Jersey Shore" in Italy, Snooki drove into the back of a police escort. (Now there's a switch, Snooki rear-ending two strangers) The officers were treated for whiplash and a scorching sexually transmitted disease.

Sadly, "Gunsmoke" star James Arness passed at 88. What I loved the most about "Gunsmoke" was how in 19 years everyone called Miss Kitty a saloon keeper. That's like calling Paris Hilton a singer. Miss Kitty was a madam.