Tuesday, June 07, 2011

"It's Your Thing" by The Isley Brothers

I'd like to send this out to Anthony "An Nowhere Tiny*" Weiner

Grey cotton ribbed boxers? $15
Salon chest wax? $100
iPhone? $400

Finding out you sent that crotch shot to all your 40,000 twitter followers and not one girl?


*Yes, this is really an anagram of Anthony Weiner.

Dear Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Anthony Weiner:

Why on earth would you not hire a comedy writer to write a joke you could give to the press following your incredible lapse in pants zipper control?

Letterman did it after he got caught banging his co-worker former intern and all is forgiven. ( I hope Stephanie Birkett is OK, she seemed so nice and sweet and naive in her clips with Dave and Tony Mendez)

This Weinergate has it all for us comedy writers. Lust, ego, pride, stupidity, fame, lying, all wrapped up in a nice package of sophomoric potty humor. Perfect for a comedy writer to use to spin it in their favor if they paid him enough.

Granted, I am biased on the hiring and paying of comedy writers to cure all problems. Let's try and forget these clown's stupidity, arrogance and all-around bad decision making, isn't there someone on their staff who has enough b@lls and cleverness to point out what inconceivable tools they are acting like?

Now, in Tiger's case I know there isn't anyone like that because, since they canned the hilarious marketing head, Liz Dolan, Nike is the largest collection of humorless, smug ass-smoochers the planet has ever known. Just like the owner and founder, Phil Knight. Who else would think the use of Tiger's dead father's voice after a tawdry sex-scandal was a good idea? Who else but Nike would tell LeBron James to make a show called "The Decision."?

(During Nike's glory days of "Bo Knows" with Liz Dolan as their spokesperson, they hired someone whose only job was to tell Phil Knight his ideas were horrible. Frequently they used Knight's ideas as reverse barometers and did the opposite of whatever he suggested. Looks like Knight is making decisions again)

But Arnold, Edwards and now Weiner have to have somebody around them who isn't a total brown-nosing nimrod. But I guess not.

Here is all Congressman Waddy-Pants had to do to divert disaster.

A, send your buddy, Lex, a check for $10,000 to write a statement. (In the future, Slats and Nugs, sending me a check fo $10,000 will eradicate most problems)

B, learn and read the following statement.

Dear Public.

OK, as we both already know, I took that picture and I meant to send it to an attractive young woman. (What hacker in his right mind would break in to take a picture of my goodies?)We have all sent e-mails or texts we regret, I just happened to be the genius who sent it to 40,000 people by mistake. Whoever invents the unsend button on a computer will be a deserved billionaire.

Yes, the picture was inappropriate, but I assure you, it was not sexual in nature. Clearly I may be stupid, but I am not crazy. You would have to be crazy to think a young woman would get turned on by a picture of a 46-year-old skinny dude in his undies.

The picture was simply a joke, a really bad joke when you take into consideration my last name. Lucky for all of you my last name isn't Bottum. Or Balzac. But I digress, the point is it was just a joke. I'm happily married - my wife is a babe- and, while I am probably in the dog house for a while, my wife understands there was no romantic intent.

Yours Truly,

Congressman Anthony "Captain Bun-Huggers" Weiner

Best ten thousand bucks he would have ever spent.