Friday, May 27, 2011

Stand Up Paddle surfing- SUP HOW- TO catch waves

This is how it do be do be dooooooooooooooooooooooo

Junior Wells, Buddy Guy, John Mayall - Messin' With The Kid

My idol, Junior with John Mayall, Mick Taylor and, of course, Buddy Guy. Damn.

I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

John Edwards faces indictment. Between him, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen, this has to be the worst time for horny famous guys since Paris Hilton caught her first STD.

American Idol winner, Scotty McCreely, is 17. When I was 17, I thought the only thing a keg of beer had in common with a woman was I had not tapped either one.

It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles. It was so gorgeous, Arnold went outside and impregnated his female gardener.

A man was arrested in Denver for masturbating on a United flight from Spokane. Guys, how many times do I have to tell you? If you're by yourself, it does not count as the mile high club.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Where did he find the elbow room?

So think twice before ordering a blanket from the flight attendant.

The Kardashian sisters are collaborating on a book. When asked how it felt to be collaborating, Khloe said; "Oh, I took a Midol, so I am fine, thanks."

Since you asked:

No, I am not bitter about my Bulls losing to the Heat. They had their chances and lost. Yes, they had some bad calls againsts them, but they also had a 12 point lead with less than four minutes to go.

It is cute how Riley and the Heat let little Erik Spoelstra (Isn't that an artificial sweetener?) pretend that he is really coaching. Reminds me of that high school team who let the mentally challenged ball boy play in their last game.

One time Spoelstra did try to roll the balls out in practice, but he missed the court and the Heat had to put him in a time out.

Some say Spoelstra is a coach like a bat boy manages a baseball team, but that's not fair. The baseball players sometimes listen and talk to the bat boy.

Some say, if you look closely, you can see the strings attatched to Spoelstra that Riley is manipulating. Why would a raging egomaniac place a puppet coach in charge of a team? Anyone? Anyone? Raiders? Raiders? Bueller? Bueller?

Go Mavs. Might even watch it if it doesn't get boring.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

'Dis right here a tired boo

Oh, yeah, we backdoor braggart'ing* up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

"American Idol" winner, Scotty McCreery is 17. When I was 17 my loftiest goal was to get inside of Becky Taylor's bra at the prom. And, yeah, no, it didn't happen.

John Edwards is going to be indicted. Between Edwards, Arnold, Sheen and Tiger, this has to be the worst time to be a famous horny dude since Paris Hilton caught the clap.

Al Qaeda has named Saif Al-Adel their new leader; asked to comment, Al-Adel said; "Oh, yeah, wait, what? Al Qaeda named me what? Oh, helllllll nooooooo."

Republican Tim Pawlenty is running for president. Is it me, or does Pawlenty look like the guy at the office who uses quote-fingers a lot?

*Gosh, I hate to go out to an expensive dinner when it is so dissappointing compared to what I make at home.

Yes, I realize I feature recipes with a lot of meat, ribs, sausages, burgers, eggs, pork chops and loins, lamb, steaks and steak sandquidos. But I really love to cook lean chicken and fish. A lot.

Last nicht I got lucky (not that kind of lucky, you sick bastards) with two beautiful pieces of Mahi-Mahi. Marinated them in olive oil, dusted with smoked paprika, Old Bay, sea salt and fresh pepper. Started the mesquite Weber fire, when it was ready, popped rice and chicken broth in the rice cooker. (2 to one cup chicken broth-to-rice measurement)

Sliced yellow squash lengthwise, drizled with EVOO and dusted also with smoked paprika, Old Bay, sea salt and pepper. Placed them round-side down on the outside parameter of the grill. Cover grill with lid-holes open. After ten minutes, flipped the squash and placed the Mahi close to the coals, but not on them. Cover again. A good five minutes plus per side as they were thick.

Served the rice pilaf, Mahi-mahi with the squash and some small cherry tomatoes. Cold glass of Chardonnay and biddleywhobingwhangerstanger. In my best vague European accent of Chef Tell:

So good, so tasty, so good for you.

Tonicht? Snack night. AC has a late soccer practice, so I am going to pick up some nice Italian chicken sausages, grill those bad boys up, and serve then with a fancy mustard along with grapes, carrots, apple slices, pastacio nuts, black olives.

And red wine, recorded Cubs and Bulls.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"I'll be back." "No, you won't."

Doin’ the do to the do to the to, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On “Sixty Minutes” Tyler Hamilton revealed that Lance Armstrong’s winning Tour de France U.S. Postal team used performance enhancing drugs. That is shocking. Not that they took the drugs, but that the United States Post Office was able to deliver the drugs there on time.

Chicago Bull Joaqim Noah, received a $50,000 fine by the NBA for using a gay-insult to a fan. As of now we don’t know what prompted the clipped-bearded and pony-tail-wearing guy named Joaqim to hurl such an ugly epithet.

Apparently there is a nasty virus circulating in the NBA that causes players to temporarily forget they are being broadcast live on Television.

To give you an idea how pervasive performance enhancing drugs are in sports, there are rumors steroids have spread to the Pro Bowlers Association. Bowling, where they have cup holders for cocktails and ashtrays for cigarettes built into the bowling ball returner gear.

Actress Jane Seymore, who socializes with Arnold and his wife, Maria, said not only was she not surprised by his illegitimate child, she has heard rumors there are several more Arnold love children out there. So much for the theory steroids cause sterility.

There is a new $215 mil theme park in China dedicated to Hello Kitty. But, Hello Kitty in Chinese translates to “Kung Pao.”

The old guy who predicted the end of the world on Saturday, Harold Camping, now said he made a mistake, it will be on October 21st. Which works better for me, then we don’t have to go through the daylight savings time change.

Now the end of the world will be on October 21st. Except for the Chicago Cubs, their world will end on August 18th, like usual.

Actress Jane Seymore said not only was she not surprised by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s illegitimate child, she has heard there are several more Arnold love children. Forget Obama, I want to see the birth certificate for “Twilight” abs guy Taylor Lautner.

The Supreme Court has ordered the release of 30,000 California prisoners due to overcrowding; in addition, all the Supreme Court justices have cancelled their upcoming trips to Disneyland.

Al Qaeda has named a new leader, Saif Al-Adel. Saif Al-Adel is Arabic for; “I can’t buy life insurance.”

Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich once owed the jewelry store Tiffany’s $500,000. Finally we have solved the mystery as to how Newt was able to get three women to marry him.

Honestly, I do not understand Arnold Schwarzenegger. Forget he’s married to a devoted wife, all of the countless beautiful starlet wannabes out there and he knocks up his frumpy maid? That’s like ordering Pizza Hut to be delivered to your table at Morton’s Steak House.

Here is how you solve the current crisis in sports, associated with performance enhancing drugs, in thirty words:

If you are caught using a performance enhancing drug you will be banned from competing in that sport for life and any records or awards you have will be revoked.

In college, I had a roommate who was a big fan of body building and the movie “Pumping Iron.” When I finally saw the movie I remember having the distinct impression Arnold Schwarzenegger was a crude, oafish, egotistical stupid clown. Oh, yeah, and an obvious steroid addict. In addition, I considered body building not to be sport, but a sad homoerotic beauty contest for lost souls.

Arnold seemed like such a giant in “Pumping Iron” but that is only because all the other body builders were short guys. Arnold is only Six feet one and a half inches, the same height as I am. Despite the muscles, these really were the sorry guys in the comic book ads getting sand kicked in their face.

One thing Arnold did seem to be was a shameless opportunist. If he had to take steroids to win, fine. If he had to psych out his friend, the sweet, but even-slower-than-Arnold Lou Ferrigno, he did it. If a rich old creepy dude wanted to pay Arnold to lounge around his living room in tightie-whities, he did it. Something tells me there is a lot more Arnold probably did to get ahead in the world of movies.

Arnold was the perfect Hollywood Frankenstein: A physically gifted, dim-witted but highly motivated immoral shameless opportunist who would do anything to be a star.

That loveable optimist stuff we saw on talk shows was the only acting Arnold ever pulled off. It probably isn't fair to take everything away from Arnold due to the sordid and ugly details of his affairs. Let's face it, his movies were pretty fun and he was a pretty good action hero. But that is so over now.

My experience with the body building world was short but vivid. Not long after I graduated, a gym sprung up in downtown Santa Barbara that was taken over by body builders. As I was fortunate to train at UCSB with some of the best decathletes in the world, I was no stranger to strong guys with equally strong egos, and I was fine with that. It takes a big ego to think you can be the best at something.

These body builders, to a man, were the worst collection of world class morons and narcissists you could imagine. A fight would break out once a day over who was or was not using a machine or weight. Maybe the steroids added to their psychotic self-absorbed and selfish behavior, but I didn’t last two weeks in that place due to the high density of obnoxious peacock douche bags. These are the same picked-on loser idiots you find in Karate gyms.

One time this ballooned-up totally ‘roided out - but only 5 feet, 7 inches short – wannabe red-haired body building guy, replete with steroid-induced acne, yelled at me for daring to use a squat rack before he was done. When I told him where to go, and what to do when he got there, he menacingly lunged at me and flexed his big orange baseball-sized bicep right in my face and screamed;

“Don’t start something if you don’t have enough muscle to back it up,” his angry spittle nearly hitting me in the face.

Now, to be candid, I’m not an experienced fighter, but as calmly as I have ever been in an ugly confrontation, I simply walked outside and silently signaled for him to follow me. Instinctively I knew this guy was nothing, a shell. When he didn’t follow me outside, (truth is, I was relieved, if he had followed me outside, I had no idea what I was going to do) I walked back in, now really fired up with false bravado, and said so he and everybody could hear;

“Maybe you don’t understand. You just challenged me to fight, I am asking you to come outside. You know. To fight?”

Suddenly his hearing wasn’t very good and he resumed lifting while trying to ignore me.

Growing bolder in the assurance he was, in fact, a phony chicken, again, I repeated my offer, including a comment about shriveled testicles and zits. Averting his eyes, this buffed guy’s lower lip started to quiver to the tense giggles of everybody in the gym. At that point I almost felt bad for him as he suddenly slinked away to the locker room in a well-deserved perfect storm of embarrassment and shame.

Later I would see him at bars or around town. It was fun to wave and say hello as friendly as I could, he would always ignore me and slip away.

Just because someone is pumped up on steroids, it doesn’t cure their cowardice or lack of character.

No, Arnold was never an athlete, he was never a real action hero, he was never an actor, he was never a husband, he was never a politician and he was certainly not a leader.

Like that pathetic body builder who challenged me to a fight and then almost wept when confronted, Arnold has only ever been one thing and one thing only: a silly poser.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Junior Wells - Help Me

Junior's ode to his mentor, Sonny Boy Williamson. On the opening solo he goes Junior/Little Walter harp-on-the-mike style. The second solo is a dead-on Sonny impression using the famous back-from-the-mike hand cupping "Whah whah" Sonny Boy style. Final solo is Junior doing his, well, thang. Which is awesome. Give me a harp, a guitar player, a porch, some Old Style beer and a rainy spring day in Chicago and you have a little slice of heaven on earth.

Baby, you gotta bring it on home to me, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In an interview with “Rolling Stone” Donald Trump discussed his best orgasm ever. It was so good it actually scared him because he was all alone.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he has put his film career on hold. On hold? Please, the only person whose film career is in worse shape than Arnold is Osama bin Laden.

Parents who are big Facebook fans named their child Like. Sadly, their older children, MySpace and LinkedIn, are virtually ignored.

High school teachers in Washington DC are accused of supplying test answers to students. Why can’t they just sleep with the students like all the other teachers?

San Francisco is going to vote on a bill that would make it illegal to have a circumcision. Not sure about the bill supporter’s chant though: “Keep the hood on the wood, keep the hood on the wood.”

In an interview with “Rolling Stone” Donald Trump discussed his best orgasm ever. It was so good he almost dropped the hand mirror.

This idiot actually thinks we want to know about this stuff.

Donald Trump announced he is not running for president in 2012 and that his short campaign was by no means a sleazy attempt at free publicity for his show “Celebrity Apprentice” which airs on NBC on Sunday night at 9:00 PM Eastern, Central and Pacific time, 8:00 PM Mountain Time.

A study claims men cry more easily as they get older, ala John Boehner and Meat Loaf. OK, I’ve had it, that is enough, we men need to pull it together because it’s important we show how strong, (sniff) and brave, (whuh) we can (choke) really be (Wahhahahaha)

Since you asked:

Until now, Lance Armstrong reminded me of this guy I knew in High School. He was a nice, funny guy, everyone liked him, but he was cocky in a way that only really rich kids in suburban Chicago can be. Life is not fair for rich kids, they don’t have to work, they can do what they want and they can do it when they want to. Let’s call him Vince Vaughn, although that isn’t his name, that is who he reminds me of.

On an early Spring Saturday, one of the scariest days of your lives, we were all petrified and huddled in class taking the SAT exam. Besides school and parents, the SAT has as big a factor as anything else in determining your college future.

An hour into the test, no Vince. Suddenly, Vince appears to everyone’s shock. He calmly picks up the booklet and the answer sheet. He sits down, and in thirty minutes filled out all the answers to a test that, at minimum, takes three hours and forty five minutes to read and complete.

The supervising teacher asks Vince if he is sure he wants to finish that quickly. Vince says yes, and, as calm as can be, walks out the door.

Later we find out Vince had aced the SATS. Which proved something was wrong because Vince was not all that interested as a student. We all new Vince cheated, we all new cheating on something that important was wrong, and we all knew Vince knew we knew he cheated and didn’t care. It actually added to the cool-vibe aura around Vince. But Vince never got caught. He got accepted to a good college and went on to have a full and successful life.

Lance was just like Vince. Except now Lance has been caught cheating. If Vince had been caught it was possible his college would have found out and revoked his diploma and it is also possible, as a result, he could lose his job. If they could prove Vince lied about cheating to the senate, press or a grand jury, than Vince, like Lance, could have gone to jail. Not for cheating, but for lying about it. 

Remember, Martha Stewart and Marion Jones didn’t go to prison for insider trading and using steroids, respectively, they went to jail for lying.

Cheating in sports is like pornography in that it is hard to define, but we know it when we see it. A pitcher scuffing a ball? Nah, not if he gets away with it. Corking a bat? Cheating.

Sports are not like life. If you lie or steal or hurt someone in life, it is wrong, whether you get caught and punished or not. In sports, you can try and break the rules, if you don’t get caught, it won’t effect the score. This is where people get confused with steroids. In poker you can lie, it’s called bluffing. But everyone knows you can’t hide an ace.

Steroids is hiding an ace.

But Vince never got caught, but in my mind he will always be the guy who cheated on the SAT. Lance just got caught. Lance is going to fry. Lying about and using steroids taints everything Lance has done, right down to battling cancer. It is well known testosterone, human growth and steroids can trigger testicular cancer.

And think about all the children with cancer Lance has helped. Their inspiration, their hero, their idol is going down in infamy, one way or the other.

Sad. Down the same drain as Tiger and Arnold, Lance is going to go down forever as a tarnished hero.