I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

John Edwards faces indictment. Between him, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen, this has to be the worst time for horny famous guys since Paris Hilton caught her first STD.

American Idol winner, Scotty McCreely, is 17. When I was 17, I thought the only thing a keg of beer had in common with a woman was I had not tapped either one.

It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles. It was so gorgeous, Arnold went outside and impregnated his female gardener.


A man was arrested in Denver for masturbating on a United flight from Spokane. Guys, how many times do I have to tell you? If you're by yourself, it does not count as the mile high club.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Where did he find the elbow room?

So think twice before ordering a blanket from the flight attendant.

The Kardashian sisters are collaborating on a book. When asked how it felt to be collaborating, Khloe said; "Oh, I took a Midol, so I am fine, thanks."

Since you asked:

No, I am not bitter about my Bulls losing to the Heat. They had their chances and lost. Yes, they had some bad calls againsts them, but they also had a 12 point lead with less than four minutes to go.

It is cute how Riley and the Heat let little Erik Spoelstra (Isn't that an artificial sweetener?) pretend that he is really coaching. Reminds me of that high school team who let the mentally challenged ball boy play in their last game.

One time Spoelstra did try to roll the balls out in practice, but he missed the court and the Heat had to put him in a time out.

Some say Spoelstra is a coach like a bat boy manages a baseball team, but that's not fair. The baseball players sometimes listen and talk to the bat boy.

Some say, if you look closely, you can see the strings attatched to Spoelstra that Riley is manipulating. Why would a raging egomaniac place a puppet coach in charge of a team? Anyone? Anyone? Raiders? Raiders? Bueller? Bueller?

Go Mavs. Might even watch it if it doesn't get boring.