"I'll be back." "No, you won't."

Doin’ the do to the do to the to, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On “Sixty Minutes” Tyler Hamilton revealed that Lance Armstrong’s winning Tour de France U.S. Postal team used performance enhancing drugs. That is shocking. Not that they took the drugs, but that the United States Post Office was able to deliver the drugs there on time.

Chicago Bull Joaqim Noah, received a $50,000 fine by the NBA for using a gay-insult to a fan. As of now we don’t know what prompted the clipped-bearded and pony-tail-wearing guy named Joaqim to hurl such an ugly epithet.

Apparently there is a nasty virus circulating in the NBA that causes players to temporarily forget they are being broadcast live on Television.

To give you an idea how pervasive performance enhancing drugs are in sports, there are rumors steroids have spread to the Pro Bowlers Association. Bowling, where they have cup holders for cocktails and ashtrays for cigarettes built into the bowling ball returner gear.

Actress Jane Seymore, who socializes with Arnold and his wife, Maria, said not only was she not surprised by his illegitimate child, she has heard rumors there are several more Arnold love children out there. So much for the theory steroids cause sterility.

There is a new $215 mil theme park in China dedicated to Hello Kitty. But, Hello Kitty in Chinese translates to “Kung Pao.”

The old guy who predicted the end of the world on Saturday, Harold Camping, now said he made a mistake, it will be on October 21st. Which works better for me, then we don’t have to go through the daylight savings time change.

Now the end of the world will be on October 21st. Except for the Chicago Cubs, their world will end on August 18th, like usual.

Actress Jane Seymore said not only was she not surprised by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s illegitimate child, she has heard there are several more Arnold love children. Forget Obama, I want to see the birth certificate for “Twilight” abs guy Taylor Lautner.

The Supreme Court has ordered the release of 30,000 California prisoners due to overcrowding; in addition, all the Supreme Court justices have cancelled their upcoming trips to Disneyland.

Al Qaeda has named a new leader, Saif Al-Adel. Saif Al-Adel is Arabic for; “I can’t buy life insurance.”

Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich once owed the jewelry store Tiffany’s $500,000. Finally we have solved the mystery as to how Newt was able to get three women to marry him.

Honestly, I do not understand Arnold Schwarzenegger. Forget he’s married to a devoted wife, all of the countless beautiful starlet wannabes out there and he knocks up his frumpy maid? That’s like ordering Pizza Hut to be delivered to your table at Morton’s Steak House.

Here is how you solve the current crisis in sports, associated with performance enhancing drugs, in thirty words:

If you are caught using a performance enhancing drug you will be banned from competing in that sport for life and any records or awards you have will be revoked.

In college, I had a roommate who was a big fan of body building and the movie “Pumping Iron.” When I finally saw the movie I remember having the distinct impression Arnold Schwarzenegger was a crude, oafish, egotistical stupid clown. Oh, yeah, and an obvious steroid addict. In addition, I considered body building not to be sport, but a sad homoerotic beauty contest for lost souls.

Arnold seemed like such a giant in “Pumping Iron” but that is only because all the other body builders were short guys. Arnold is only Six feet one and a half inches, the same height as I am. Despite the muscles, these really were the sorry guys in the comic book ads getting sand kicked in their face.

One thing Arnold did seem to be was a shameless opportunist. If he had to take steroids to win, fine. If he had to psych out his friend, the sweet, but even-slower-than-Arnold Lou Ferrigno, he did it. If a rich old creepy dude wanted to pay Arnold to lounge around his living room in tightie-whities, he did it. Something tells me there is a lot more Arnold probably did to get ahead in the world of movies.

Arnold was the perfect Hollywood Frankenstein: A physically gifted, dim-witted but highly motivated immoral shameless opportunist who would do anything to be a star.

That loveable optimist stuff we saw on talk shows was the only acting Arnold ever pulled off. It probably isn't fair to take everything away from Arnold due to the sordid and ugly details of his affairs. Let's face it, his movies were pretty fun and he was a pretty good action hero. But that is so over now.

My experience with the body building world was short but vivid. Not long after I graduated, a gym sprung up in downtown Santa Barbara that was taken over by body builders. As I was fortunate to train at UCSB with some of the best decathletes in the world, I was no stranger to strong guys with equally strong egos, and I was fine with that. It takes a big ego to think you can be the best at something.

These body builders, to a man, were the worst collection of world class morons and narcissists you could imagine. A fight would break out once a day over who was or was not using a machine or weight. Maybe the steroids added to their psychotic self-absorbed and selfish behavior, but I didn’t last two weeks in that place due to the high density of obnoxious peacock douche bags. These are the same picked-on loser idiots you find in Karate gyms.

One time this ballooned-up totally ‘roided out - but only 5 feet, 7 inches short – wannabe red-haired body building guy, replete with steroid-induced acne, yelled at me for daring to use a squat rack before he was done. When I told him where to go, and what to do when he got there, he menacingly lunged at me and flexed his big orange baseball-sized bicep right in my face and screamed;

“Don’t start something if you don’t have enough muscle to back it up,” his angry spittle nearly hitting me in the face.

Now, to be candid, I’m not an experienced fighter, but as calmly as I have ever been in an ugly confrontation, I simply walked outside and silently signaled for him to follow me. Instinctively I knew this guy was nothing, a shell. When he didn’t follow me outside, (truth is, I was relieved, if he had followed me outside, I had no idea what I was going to do) I walked back in, now really fired up with false bravado, and said so he and everybody could hear;

“Maybe you don’t understand. You just challenged me to fight, I am asking you to come outside. You know. To fight?”

Suddenly his hearing wasn’t very good and he resumed lifting while trying to ignore me.

Growing bolder in the assurance he was, in fact, a phony chicken, again, I repeated my offer, including a comment about shriveled testicles and zits. Averting his eyes, this buffed guy’s lower lip started to quiver to the tense giggles of everybody in the gym. At that point I almost felt bad for him as he suddenly slinked away to the locker room in a well-deserved perfect storm of embarrassment and shame.

Later I would see him at bars or around town. It was fun to wave and say hello as friendly as I could, he would always ignore me and slip away.

Just because someone is pumped up on steroids, it doesn’t cure their cowardice or lack of character.

No, Arnold was never an athlete, he was never a real action hero, he was never an actor, he was never a husband, he was never a politician and he was certainly not a leader.

Like that pathetic body builder who challenged me to a fight and then almost wept when confronted, Arnold has only ever been one thing and one thing only: a silly poser.