Saturday, April 16, 2011

Led Zeppelin - Boogie With Stu

Just try and not get all John Travolta/Uma Thurmond dancing in "Pulp Fiction" on your narrow tuchus when listening.

The Only Living Boy in New York (The Simon & Garfunkel Story)

Mark my words, one more song I love - like this one - gets put on a car commercial, I am going to go all Meatloaf on their Gary Busey's.
A little of this this afternoon followed by smart cocktails and fish tacos in Del Mar

I get all the news I need from the weather report, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It looks like Trump is officially squinting a run for the presidency.

Think I came up with Donald Trump's campaign slogan:

"Tired of being liberal? Comb-over to our side."

Remember Teddy Roosevelt's Bull Moose Party? Trump is running for the Hair Mousse Party.

Can't see how Trump can be so conservative when his hair swings so far to the left.

Not sure about this Donald Trump character; he strikes me as a guy who likes to go to fancy steak houses and, after dinner, brandish his gold toothpick while sucking his teeth loudly. A lot.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Former Forty Niner, Gary Plummer was fired as the team radio announcer after he revealed in an interview how much sex NFL players have on the road and that team officials even helped arrange girls for the players. Now we know why Brett Favre keeps un-retiring.

New Zealand Air is offering a new cuddle class. And Air France is offering a new “We are zee French, get out of our way, you nasty Americans, or we will bitch-slap you away.”

At JFK airport, a giant A380 Air France jetliner clipped a small Delta commuter plane. I liked it better when just France’s waiters were rude to Americans, now it’s their pilots as well.

The hip new thing is celebrities who have guest twitter posters. Seriously, how lazy are we getting when our famous people need to have someone else type 140 characters for them?

Hall of Fame QB Terry Bradshaw says he feels the effects from his concussions he got playing football. Not only that, but Terry went on to say he feels the effects of his concussions he got from playing football.

And for those of us who watch Terry on Fox, we say; “Duh.”

Barry Bonds has been found guilty of obstructing justice. And Bonds is also guilty of obstructing movie-goers with his gigantic steroid-swollen head.

Barry Bonds has been found guilty of obstructing justice but won’t go to jail. To review, Bonds cheated baseball by taking illegal steroids and then lied about it to a grand jury and he isn’t going to jail. Let that be a lesson to all you kids.

Barry Bonds has been found guilty of obstructing justice, but the jury was hung on the perjury charges. And according to the steroid shrinkage testimony of Bonds’s mistress, the jury was the only thing hung at that trial.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, Larry King still has his draft notice.

All three of California’s NHL hockey teams have made the playoffs. Don’t underestimate Californian’s hockey expertise, personally, I love it when they use those long slappy sticks to whack that disk-thingie into the net jobber.

In Russia, a message in a bottle was found after 24-years. The message was “Hey, Sting, I have a great idea for a song for the Police.”

Bill Cosby and Donald Trump are in a nasty feud over Trump hinting at a presidential run. Which is odd because old weird Harold is a “Cosby Kids” character and old weird Harold is also the name of that thing on Trump’s head.

It is the 50th anniversary of the first space flight. It also been 50 years since anyone can explain why they invented Tang instead of just bringing orange juice.

Bill Cosby and Donald Trump are in a nasty feud. Trump has been a lot of ugly public feuds with Rosie O’Donnell, Barack Obama, Martha Stewart and also Trump's hairdresser.

New Zealand Airlines is offering a new cuddle class. Because when I fly with a drunk pilot and a sleeping air traffic controller, when the roof flies off, I want to snuggle with Ernie, the fat and flatulent bathroom supply salesman from Sandusky, Ohio.

Since you asked:

Got some great stuff on “Biography” on Mark Twain. The guy was amazing. Invented stand up comedy out of whole cloth. Nothing like it had ever been done. Plus he was the first to publish books for the middle class to purchase. On the plus side he was a tireless defender of the downtrodden including Chinese workers and slaves.

On the more human side, he drank like a fish.

Get this. The name Mark Twain as a river boat depth gauge is made up. It was a term in a western bar for ordering two drinks on credit, Twain later did not want that to be what he was known for, because he was ashamed of being a huge boozer.

And he was an amazing adventurer. First to write about surfing in Hawaii.

Doting father of three lovely girls and a devoted husband to his lovely and doting wife Olivia. (After being a regular patron of Nevada and San Francisco barroom gals for over a decade) Olivia called Twain “Youth” meaning both sides of that as a compliment and an insult.

Not a perfect man, nor did he claim to be, admittedly lazy, vein in his white suits, vulgar, bawdy, immature and needy and insecure about his lack of formal education. But Twain loved nice and not-snotty people and nice people loved him back by the millions. And like all great comedians, he had the gift of being self-deprecating.

Speaking of a man Twain would have hated, Donald Trump may be one of the biggest tools who ever lived. Saw the man lie to Conan O’Brien on the air.

Conan agreed to have Trump on the show, but only if Trump agreed to discuss a Mexican real estate deal that went ugly, ugly bad. Investors lied to by Trump and suing him like crazy. Once on the air, Trump denied that agreement. Conan - who everyone says is a great guy and a straight shooter - was flummoxed.

The list of people who have met and despise Donald Trump is long and impressive, not the least of which is Mark Cuban. Pompous, pious, a raging egomaniac with horribly cheap and tawdry tastes (look at his hair) and incapable of telling the truth nor admitting a mistake.

If that tool actually becomes president, we, as a nation, are doomed.

Monday, April 11, 2011

This was the scene of the crime on Sunday, La Jolla Shores

You go on away from here now, Miss Daisy and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Southwest Airlines plane had a huge piece of the roof fall off because the plane was so old. “We are now pre-boarding all passengers who like the feel of wind in their hair.”

Charlie Sheen wants to trademark 22 of his sayings including Duh. Winning, Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA. Unfortunately Charlie’s most used phrase cannot be trademarked and that is; “Honey, are you an undercover cop by any chance?”

In response to a plane’s roof tearing off, Southwest Airlines said it did not expect cracks in their planes so soon. In other words, they expected cracks in their planes eventually. Wow, how soon can I book a flight with these geniuses? “Oh, no, that plane is fine, we don’t expect the wing to fall off for a whole year.”

Facebook has new servers and they are sharing with the world. This way even more people will be able to follow the intimate details of folks they haven’t wanted to contact in ten years.

The Masters tournament began with 81-year-old Arnold Palmer, 71-year-old Jack Nicklaus and 75-year-old Gary Player playing together in a par three tournament, and before they teed off, they were talking trash. Well, talking trash for old white golf guys; “By cracky, I hear tell your female sibling is quite gregarious and popular with her many suitors.”

Filming of “Jersey Shore” in Italy has been delayed because the cast is demanding more money. They’re sticking together for more money, just like the cast of “Friends” except, you know, without any of the talent, brains and good looks.

Charlie Sheen wants to trademark 22 of his sayings including Duh. Winning, Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA. Unfortunately for Charlie, his most often used phrase, “You shut your whore mouth”, is owned by Mel Gibson.

Filming of “Jersey Shore” in Italy has been delayed because the cast is demanding more money. They’re sticking together for more money, just like the cast of “Friends” if the cast of friends was stupid, drunk and orange.

Shocker on “American Idol” last night. And I’m not talking about 63-year-old Iggy Pop singing shirtless. Probably the best singer, Pia Toscano, was voted off. It’s as shocking as if Snooki won on “Jeopardy”.

Speaking of 63-year-old Iggy Pop singing shirtless on “American Idol”. Nobody is going to make fun of Steven Tyler’s wild shirts again.

Since you asked:
Not to brag - well, maybe to brag - but I felt world-class, Mentos-ad, Disney sitcom great yesterday after surfing at La Jolla Shores. Told the woman gardener planting flowers outside the Marine room she was doing a great job. Lunched on a lobster mac & cheese at a fancy bar, then home having a cocktail while watching delay- recorded the Masters and grilling pollo asado tacos.

After dinner, I sat down with a glass of red wine. It's still sunny outside, Tiger was on about the sixth hole and starting on a tear. Next thing I know, Ann Caroline calls me, I wake up, it is pitch dark and Tiger is finishing up 17. It's like that guy in that movie with Richard Gere, Edward Norton in "Primal Fear". I lllllost ttttttttime.