Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, Larry King still has his draft notice.

All three of California’s NHL hockey teams have made the playoffs. Don’t underestimate Californian’s hockey expertise, personally, I love it when they use those long slappy sticks to whack that disk-thingie into the net jobber.

In Russia, a message in a bottle was found after 24-years. The message was “Hey, Sting, I have a great idea for a song for the Police.”

Bill Cosby and Donald Trump are in a nasty feud over Trump hinting at a presidential run. Which is odd because old weird Harold is a “Cosby Kids” character and old weird Harold is also the name of that thing on Trump’s head.

It is the 50th anniversary of the first space flight. It also been 50 years since anyone can explain why they invented Tang instead of just bringing orange juice.

Bill Cosby and Donald Trump are in a nasty feud. Trump has been a lot of ugly public feuds with Rosie O’Donnell, Barack Obama, Martha Stewart and also Trump's hairdresser.

New Zealand Airlines is offering a new cuddle class. Because when I fly with a drunk pilot and a sleeping air traffic controller, when the roof flies off, I want to snuggle with Ernie, the fat and flatulent bathroom supply salesman from Sandusky, Ohio.

Since you asked:

Got some great stuff on “Biography” on Mark Twain. The guy was amazing. Invented stand up comedy out of whole cloth. Nothing like it had ever been done. Plus he was the first to publish books for the middle class to purchase. On the plus side he was a tireless defender of the downtrodden including Chinese workers and slaves.

On the more human side, he drank like a fish.

Get this. The name Mark Twain as a river boat depth gauge is made up. It was a term in a western bar for ordering two drinks on credit, Twain later did not want that to be what he was known for, because he was ashamed of being a huge boozer.

And he was an amazing adventurer. First to write about surfing in Hawaii.

Doting father of three lovely girls and a devoted husband to his lovely and doting wife Olivia. (After being a regular patron of Nevada and San Francisco barroom gals for over a decade) Olivia called Twain “Youth” meaning both sides of that as a compliment and an insult.

Not a perfect man, nor did he claim to be, admittedly lazy, vein in his white suits, vulgar, bawdy, immature and needy and insecure about his lack of formal education. But Twain loved nice and not-snotty people and nice people loved him back by the millions. And like all great comedians, he had the gift of being self-deprecating.

Speaking of a man Twain would have hated, Donald Trump may be one of the biggest tools who ever lived. Saw the man lie to Conan O’Brien on the air.

Conan agreed to have Trump on the show, but only if Trump agreed to discuss a Mexican real estate deal that went ugly, ugly bad. Investors lied to by Trump and suing him like crazy. Once on the air, Trump denied that agreement. Conan - who everyone says is a great guy and a straight shooter - was flummoxed.

The list of people who have met and despise Donald Trump is long and impressive, not the least of which is Mark Cuban. Pompous, pious, a raging egomaniac with horribly cheap and tawdry tastes (look at his hair) and incapable of telling the truth nor admitting a mistake.

If that tool actually becomes president, we, as a nation, are doomed.