Friday, January 07, 2011

To paraphrase thang for buzz, in the words of Mick in "Loving Cup" "It's a beautiful thang, it's a beautiful thang, it's a beautiful thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang."

Feel free to hate the game and especially someone calling themselves a playah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A United Airlines flight from Chicago to Frankfort was diverted to Toronto because of spilled coffee on the controls. The pilot was shocked, it was supposed to be scotch.

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. That’s more garbage than is on the Disney Channel.

Sleazebag John Edwards was left completely out of his wife, Elizabeth Edwards, will. A trial attorney left out of a legal document, that’s like Michael Vick getting bitten by a dog.

Prince William’s fiancé, Kate Middleton, has decided against a horse drawn carriage for her wedding. That’s smart, with a horse drawn carriage there would have been way too many Camilla Parker Bowles jokes.

Did you see John Boehner’s speech to the House of Representatives? His spray tan was a tasteful blend of burnt sienna and Snooki’s road crew orange.

Newly elected speaker, John Boehner, gave his speech to the House of Representatives. It was a good speech, Boehner himself gave it four hankies.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki said once a month she drinks so heavily she wakes up in the garbage. Or as they call the garbage in New Jersey: Trenton.

Police in England arrested a driver whose blood alcohol was 30 times the legal limit. In the car with him, 5 boys and 15 sheep. For the love of god, George Michaels, get some help.

“Glee” star, Lea Michele is teaming with PETA to ban horse-drawn carriages. You know I tried to watch that “Glee” once, but then I suddenly remembered, oh, right, I’m a straight male.

Remember when “The Sopranos” were on? My California friends didn’t believe there were people in New Jersey who talked and acted like that. Now those idiots on “Jersey Shore” make the “The Sopranos” look like a convening of the Supreme Court.

The NFL playoffs begin this weekend. This is the time of year when it’s sad to picture Brett Favre sitting in his kitchen wearing his ratty yellow bathrobe playing Jumble in the paper while blowing on his soup.

Did you see John Boehner’s speech to the House of Representatives? Boehner looks like the car salesman who says; “Can I be honest with you?” a lot.

Newly elected speaker, John Boehner, gave his speech to the House of Representatives and cried again. This is the most a politician has cried if you don’t count John Edwards after he was left out of his wife Elizabeth’s will.

I like Boehner, he looks like the guy at the water cooler who asks “Are you working hard or hardly working?”

I like Boehner, he looks like the guy who likes to shake his cocktail peanuts in his hand before popping them in his mouth.

Boehner looks like the guy who judges a man by the crease in his trousers.

Boehner looks like the guy in the steam room who says; “Hot enough for you?”

Boehner looks like the guy in the coffee room who always complains he’s busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

Boehner looks like the guy at the bar who lifts his glass and says; “There’s nothing like a good scotch, and this is nothing like a good scotch.”

Did you see the picture at the House of Representatives of Nancy Pelosi with John Boehner? Don’t they look like the couple at the country club fundraiser bidding on the condo in Aspen?

Since you asked:

Man, did my fantasy team, Thor’s Thunder, blow chunks this season. And Chunks is a dog. Hah, sorry, old joke. Should have known I was in for a rough year when, in the first game, I run into a running back who surpassed his production total for the entire year before in the first game, Arian “Effing” Foster.

This was a whacky – and still is – year for the NFL. Nobody could see Chargers, Cowboys, Vikings not making the playoffs and the Bengals collapse. And the Seahawks make the playoffs with a losing record. Nutso City.

Three things are dominating the NFL these days: parity, superstar Quarterbacks and injuries.

Once your superstar QB gets injured, ala Dallas, or goes south, ala Vince Young and McNabb, parity rears its ugly head and the team goes down the toilet. God forbid something happens to Payton Manning or the Colts wouldn’t beat anyone, including the division II team in the NFL, the Carolina Panthers.

My playoff picks? My Bears are too unpredictable. It doesn’t really matter because nobody is going to beat the Patriots unless something happens to Brady.

How about Jim Harbaugh? Nobody but a Division III team with essentially no football program, USD, hires the guy and, badabing, badaboom, they win the D3 title.

Goes to Stanford and does the same thing to a 1-11 team. Niner fans, go ahead and book your Super Bowl flights for 2012.

What the hell is it with those annoying NFL player introductions and the players who mumble their high school instead of college? That should result in a mandatory $10,000 fine that goes to setting up a scholarship at their alma mater. And stop saying “THE U.” Or THE whatever the hell. The institution has a name, say it, you mush-mouthed smoke hosers.

Smoke Hosers is my new band made out of current or former firemen.

Not to sound like an old dude, but . . .

Back when I first got AOL – and I was one of the first – it was so exciting to hear that guy with the cheerful baritone announce “You’ve got mail.” It only happened about once every other day.

Now every time I go to my e-mail box and hit Get Mail, about ten e-mails pop up and my heart sinks that I have to stop and read them and reply.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Nobody listens to me, but this girl, Kate Middleton, although hot and classy, is more trouble than Charlie Sheen at a convention of women with low self-esteem and Daddy issues.

Whut, be whut, whut, whut, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Camden, NJ is shutting down all of its libraries. After watching “Jersey Shore” they’ve decided to convert them into tanning salons.

In Florida an elderly man was hurt by a cow that had been shot in the face and ran into by a truck and it did not die. They had no choice but to name the cow Keith Richards.

In Arkansas, thousands of dead birds fell out of the sky. In a related story, the Little Rock Popeye’s Fried chicken announced an all-you-can-eat special.

The New York Jets are being accused of sexual harassment by two female massage therapists, a female reporter; several players made sexual comments to an attractive Mexican reporter, coach Rex Ryan has foot fetish videos online and cornerback Antonio Cromartie has fathered nine children with eight women.

I’m starting to think the Jets might want to rethink the Viagra dispenser in the training room.

The Navy relieved the captain of the air craft carrier Enterprise for making a raunchy and inappropriate video; the good news for the captain? He is going to be hired as an assistant coach for the New York Jets.

A New Hampshire man was speeding 102 mph to get his pregnant wife to the hospital when he received a police escort and then a speeding ticket. The couple was going to name the baby boy after the police officer, but then decided against naming their kid Dickhead.

The police weren’t going to give him a ticket, but then they found out she was only one month pregnant.

The top New Years resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you blew it.

Everyone keeps talking about Prince William’s wild bachelor party, but if I were the Prince, I would be worried about his fiancé, Kate Middleton’s bachelorette party. Although pretty and classy, something tells me that girl Kate knows what to do with a stripper pole.

Since you asked:

Did I miss something? Wasn’t a law passed that makes it illegal to drive while using a hand held phone? Why is it every other car I see is being driven by a douche bag talking on their hand held phone?

In my lifetime there have never been more, A, A-holes, and B, more people who don’t think they’re A-holes. The B part is what is scary.

When I was a kid yes, there were A-holes, plenty of them. But they knew they were A-holes. They got jobs as driving instructors, football coaches, accountants, assistant principals, they taught Spanish and French. They became Mall cops, band instructors, security guards and surly bartenders. And they lived relatively normal lives fully realizing they were full-blown A-holes.

Now we have an explosion of rude, inconsiderate, selfish snobs, or A-holes, but they don’t have any idea they are A-holes. That makes them worse than a regular A-hole.

So what do we do? Are we going to change them by informing them they are A-holes? No, that’s why they’re A-holes. They have A-hole written into their DNA.

The only thing we can do is make money off the A-holes.

Make it a civil offense to talk loudly on your cell phone in front of a captive audience with a fine of $100. Parking in the fire lane? $1,000. Have all grocery stores include a $20 charge for having more then 15 items in the 15 items or less lane. Talking during a movie? $200.

Any negative comment about anybody in a blog, chat room or forum? $250 fine. Are you a former employee of Blockbuster? $250. Don’t hold a door or return a pleasantry? $100. Loudly scuffing your footwear when you walk? $100.

Roll through a stop sign? $500. Talking on a hand held cell phone while driving? $1,000 fine. Throwing a cigarette on the ground? $1000 fine. Being rude to waiter and retail workers? Civil offense which results in a $200 fine. Waving at the TV camera while on a cell phone? $100 you-look-like-a-douche-bag fine.

Failing to use a blinker when turning? $500 fine.

How do we police these fines? Police alone obviously aren’t doing it. Simple, have California set up a 1-800 number for A-holes, get the person’s name and report them and record them. One report, a red flag. Two times is the charm and the fine. One report from one person on another person. Otherwise A-holes would call and lie about people they don’t like. (For driving offenses use their license number)


I’m only half kidding here. Yes, it smacks of big brother, but it would create vast revenue the State could use.

And it might, just might awake A-holes to the fact that they are A-holes.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

This guy, Owen Marecic, he makes us all look like slackers

We’re talkin’ Lord King God Bufu*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you know that auld lang syne is an old Scottish expression? It means: If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.

Sadly, a Florida woman died when her neck-massager got tangled in her necklace and strangled her. Apropos of nothing, did you know that Florida is an old Castilian Spanish word? It means: Darwinism.

MTV had selected “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki to be in the ball that dropped in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, but changed their mind. MTV misunderstood when told Snooki had experience at going down in front of drunks.

In this last storm, parts of Southern California got over two inches of rain. Or as they call that on the East Coast: still not snow, you mambie pambie Jack Wagons.

In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Izabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. A very rich old and happy dead fish.

Congratulations to Elton John and his partner, they had a boy. Oh, and they adopted a baby too.

84-year-old, Hugh Hefner, is looking forward to his honeymoon with his 24-year-old fiancé, Crystal Harris. Or as Crystal calls their honeymoon: the three S’s. Sobbing Silkwood showers.

Congratulations to Elton John and his partner, they’re parents of a baby boy. Attention writers, we will not take jokes on Elton’s lyrics “Don’t let the sun go down on me.” It’s called the high road.

Sadly, a Florida woman died when her neck-massage'r got tangled in her necklace and strangled her. Upon hearing this, Paris Hilton asked; “Why was she using a neck-massage'r on her neck?”

I learned this year I won’t hold Paris Hilton’s purse while in Charlie Sheen’s hotel suite while sending a text picture of my junk to not-a-lesbian Oprah.

I would like to wish everyone a happy New Year. Except for the guys in the wool hats and thumb-rings working on their laptops in the hip coffee shop. Here’s a secret: we all hate you.

As a comedian, my New Year’s Resolution is to set up Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan on a date. What can I say? I’m a giver.

It is so cold in Times Square, the hookers are offering a refund due to excessive teeth chattering.

It is so cold in New York City the hot dog vendors are putting antifreeze in the hot dog water.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more productive in 2011. And to tell the makers of Xbox 360’s “Call to Duty: Black Ops” to fix the dark room glitch after Hue City in Vietnam, I’ve hit it like 500 times.

Justin Bieber made his New Year’s resolution while watching the ball drop in Times Square. In 2011, Justin wants his balls to drop.

Shania Twain married her ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband. Just add banjos, a lost dog and a pickup truck and that’s also her next single.

A New York man’s fall off a nine-story building was cushioned by garbage bags uncollected due to the snowstorm. I thought, wow, this has to be the luckiest guy who ever lived and then I remembered, no that would be Ryan Seacrest.

Since you asked:

Here is a fitness theory of which you can totally disregard. Even at my advanced age, I have noticed a phenomenon in regards to fitness levels and work outs. In order to advance you have to have a session every month or two that, like a video game, advances you to the next level.

This is where my belief that music and fun are essential to fitness and sports. In order to Jim Morrison your workouts and break on through to the other side. This means going beyond exhaustion. In my experience it can only happen when you are in a contest, game or far out on a mountain or ocean.

For me the first time it happened was during high school football games. That’s why players who miss a week or two are so far behind when they comeback. They can work out all they want on their own, but it isn’t like pushing yourself in a game.

Or when I was out windsurfing, snowboarding and now stand up paddle board surfing. You hit the exhaustion point but because the session isn’t over and you have a ways to come in, so you are forced to suck it up and go beyond your previous capabilities. That is when you tear down the old wall and establish a new one.

And it is almost impossible to do during a workout on your own. When you work out you’re lucky if you even bring it to the point of exhaustion. That’s why if you just religiously do your workout at the gym, you’re on a long slow path of regressing despite all the time you put in.

When you do break through that wall it is important to bring in the element of rest in working out. After the breakthrough the risk of injury or illness goes way up. Saturday I went way beyond a normal hour surf session and, what with my smaller trickier board causing me to fall more and the 55 degree water, I was beyond bonking. It was bonking with hypothermia thrown in. No lie, for the next 36 hours I was utterly exhausted and I could feel I was on the brink of catching a cold. Rested and hydrated like crazy.

When I come back from snowboard trips I notice my running and working out has reached a new plateau. Part of it is working out at altitude, but the main thing is you exercise for several hours in one day. Only you don’t think of it as exercise because you’re having fun.

Playing a sport is better than just running on a treadmill. Yes, the risk of injury is greater, but that is where stretching and caution come in.

That is why music and fun are essential in sports and fitness in developing the all important breakthrough that allows you to compete on the next level.

And it is important to schedule events that give you a time limit. Snowboarding, hiking, surfing trips and races all force you to prepare. Just saying you want to lose twenty pounds sometime isn’t gonna happen. Sadly, I know.

Damn that wine. Damn those San Diego Sunsets. (Ice, Mount Gay rum, coconut water, lime)

My fitness snafu right now is weight. Yes, I could lose twenty pounds. But if you think being thin is all there is to fitness you are wrong. Today after a twenty five minute run, I did the plank (push up position except on elbows) for one minute and thirty seconds. Try it. My core be good.

In total candor, being lean is the most noticeable aspect of fitness. Nobody can look at me and know my resting pulse is low or that my core is strong or that I am able to jump rope - albeit slowly - while balancing on an Indo board. (Think wooden surfboard on a huge plastic rolling pin)

But, like I said, there is more than being chiseled. There is endurance, anaerobic fitness (ability to repeatedly go into oxygen debt as with running intervals) balance, flexibility, power, coordination and strength just to name a few.

Sunday I watched a 325 pound defensive lineman with a huge gut hanging over his belt run 30 yards down field and wipe out a 190 pound wide receiver who slowed to make one too many moves. These guys are tremendous athletes. They showed one 300 plus defensive lineman jump up and block a pass who was three feet off the ground. That’s a 36 inch vertical jump in god-knows-how-many-pounds-of-pads after playing for two hours.

Have you ever watched NFL players warming up? Repeat sprints, 50 push ups in a row. It would exhaust most fit people and that's what they do before the game.

As of right now I am in good shape to get into really good shape. That is my fitness level is at a point where I am fit enough to really start getting in shape. In other words, I am not in great shape, but I am not out of shape.

Just got to cut out the crap food – which I have done pretty well - and that last glass or two of wine I know won’t do me any good the next day.

But not tonight. There is a bowl game on, Slats and Nugs. That means BBQ marinated tri-tip and bucu wine.

*Attention women in their mid thirties. Stop talking like a Valley girl. It has been 29 years since that song came out. That is almost three decades of intentionally affecting a way of speaking that identifies you as a selfish, shallow, greedy moron.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Rob Delaney tweet:

Every time you fart as you’re walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Let me be the first to wish all my dyslexic friends a Year New Happy 1120 Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Brett Favre announced his retirement. Gosh, why does this sound so familiar?

We don’t know who won the Orange Bowl between Stanford and Virginia Tech, but we know who lost the trash talking: Stanford. Stanford’s idea of trash talking is: “Your Matriarch is so obtuse she considers rounding off pi an act of baking.”

Brett Favre announced his retirement. I’d like to wish Brett a happy retirement. Until six months when he makes another comeback.

It turns out “Jersey Shore” Snooki was not in the ball that dropped in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Normally if folks in New York want to watch a ball drop they go watch the Mets.

Shania Twain married her ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband. That’s more X’s than in the size of New York Jets coach Rex Ryan’s pants.

The Seattle Seahawks have made the playoffs despite a losing record. They advanced even though they lost more than they won. Today the Seahawks changed their name to the George W. Bush’s.

Since you asked:

Let's play a quick game of Legends, Great, Everybody else.

To review, all rock bands fall into one of three categories: Legends, great and everybody else. Legends cannot be denied, even if you don't like them, they are still legends, like Hendrix, Dylan and Morrison.

Great is great. There is honor in great. Great means you love their songs, they are on you iPod, you've seen them in concert. A great divider is the Eagles. For me, they are legends. For some they are not.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. As great as great gets, just not a legend.

Whereas David Bowie, while not one of my favorites, although he is very talented, has to be considered a legend.

Kiss? Everyone else, or EE.

Boston? EE.

Emerson, Lake and Palmer. EE. Folks, ala Depeche Mode and Rush, there is no such thing as intellectual rock and roll. Nor is there rock and roll for intellectuals. Period.

Joni Mitchell? Legend. As is James Taylor.

Here is a good example, Beatles are obviously Legends. Paul McCartney and Wings? EE. Paul McCartney solo? Great.

Rolling Stones? Legends. Mick Jagger's solo career? EE.

Van Morrison? Legend. U2? Wow, I am going to put them in Legends, but with the caveat of just barely.

Aerosmith is a classic example of how great great can be and still not be a legend. Same with Jimmy Buffet and Chicago. But the Doobie Brothers I put up there with legends.

A great example of how someone can have other worldly talent and not quite make legendary status is Emmylou Harris. Sings like an angel, just never got up to legend status like her cohort, Judy Collins.

Who? Legends. Guess Who? Underrated and still great. Badfinger is a great example of a great band, but they never got to Legend.

Legend is part their place in history, part talent, sales, number of hits. Neil Young is a legend, but as a singer and guitar player he couldn't hold anyone in Poco's jock. But Neil was a legendary songwriter and had amazing iconic hits.