Nobody listens to me, but this girl, Kate Middleton, although hot and classy, is more trouble than Charlie Sheen at a convention of women with low self-esteem and Daddy issues.
Whut, be whut, whut, whut, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
Camden, NJ is shutting down all of its libraries. After watching “Jersey Shore” they’ve decided to convert them into tanning salons.
In Florida an elderly man was hurt by a cow that had been shot in the face and ran into by a truck and it did not die. They had no choice but to name the cow Keith Richards.
In Arkansas, thousands of dead birds fell out of the sky. In a related story, the Little Rock Popeye’s Fried chicken announced an all-you-can-eat special.
The New York Jets are being accused of sexual harassment by two female massage therapists, a female reporter; several players made sexual comments to an attractive Mexican reporter, coach Rex Ryan has foot fetish videos online and cornerback Antonio Cromartie has fathered nine children with eight women.
I’m starting to think the Jets might want to rethink the Viagra dispenser in the training room.
The Navy relieved the captain of the air craft carrier Enterprise for making a raunchy and inappropriate video; the good news for the captain? He is going to be hired as an assistant coach for the New York Jets.
A New Hampshire man was speeding 102 mph to get his pregnant wife to the hospital when he received a police escort and then a speeding ticket. The couple was going to name the baby boy after the police officer, but then decided against naming their kid Dickhead.
The police weren’t going to give him a ticket, but then they found out she was only one month pregnant.
The top New Years resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you blew it.
Everyone keeps talking about Prince William’s wild bachelor party, but if I were the Prince, I would be worried about his fiancé, Kate Middleton’s bachelorette party. Although pretty and classy, something tells me that girl Kate knows what to do with a stripper pole.
Since you asked:
Did I miss something? Wasn’t a law passed that makes it illegal to drive while using a hand held phone? Why is it every other car I see is being driven by a douche bag talking on their hand held phone?
In my lifetime there have never been more, A, A-holes, and B, more people who don’t think they’re A-holes. The B part is what is scary.
When I was a kid yes, there were A-holes, plenty of them. But they knew they were A-holes. They got jobs as driving instructors, football coaches, accountants, assistant principals, they taught Spanish and French. They became Mall cops, band instructors, security guards and surly bartenders. And they lived relatively normal lives fully realizing they were full-blown A-holes.
Now we have an explosion of rude, inconsiderate, selfish snobs, or A-holes, but they don’t have any idea they are A-holes. That makes them worse than a regular A-hole.
So what do we do? Are we going to change them by informing them they are A-holes? No, that’s why they’re A-holes. They have A-hole written into their DNA.
The only thing we can do is make money off the A-holes.
Make it a civil offense to talk loudly on your cell phone in front of a captive audience with a fine of $100. Parking in the fire lane? $1,000. Have all grocery stores include a $20 charge for having more then 15 items in the 15 items or less lane. Talking during a movie? $200.
Any negative comment about anybody in a blog, chat room or forum? $250 fine. Are you a former employee of Blockbuster? $250. Don’t hold a door or return a pleasantry? $100. Loudly scuffing your footwear when you walk? $100.
Roll through a stop sign? $500. Talking on a hand held cell phone while driving? $1,000 fine. Throwing a cigarette on the ground? $1000 fine. Being rude to waiter and retail workers? Civil offense which results in a $200 fine. Waving at the TV camera while on a cell phone? $100 you-look-like-a-douche-bag fine.
Failing to use a blinker when turning? $500 fine.
How do we police these fines? Police alone obviously aren’t doing it. Simple, have California set up a 1-800 number for A-holes, get the person’s name and report them and record them. One report, a red flag. Two times is the charm and the fine. One report from one person on another person. Otherwise A-holes would call and lie about people they don’t like. (For driving offenses use their license number)
1-800-No-A-hole.
I’m only half kidding here. Yes, it smacks of big brother, but it would create vast revenue the State could use.
And it might, just might awake A-holes to the fact that they are A-holes.
Camden, NJ is shutting down all of its libraries. After watching “Jersey Shore” they’ve decided to convert them into tanning salons.
In Florida an elderly man was hurt by a cow that had been shot in the face and ran into by a truck and it did not die. They had no choice but to name the cow Keith Richards.
In Arkansas, thousands of dead birds fell out of the sky. In a related story, the Little Rock Popeye’s Fried chicken announced an all-you-can-eat special.
The New York Jets are being accused of sexual harassment by two female massage therapists, a female reporter; several players made sexual comments to an attractive Mexican reporter, coach Rex Ryan has foot fetish videos online and cornerback Antonio Cromartie has fathered nine children with eight women.
I’m starting to think the Jets might want to rethink the Viagra dispenser in the training room.
The Navy relieved the captain of the air craft carrier Enterprise for making a raunchy and inappropriate video; the good news for the captain? He is going to be hired as an assistant coach for the New York Jets.
A New Hampshire man was speeding 102 mph to get his pregnant wife to the hospital when he received a police escort and then a speeding ticket. The couple was going to name the baby boy after the police officer, but then decided against naming their kid Dickhead.
The police weren’t going to give him a ticket, but then they found out she was only one month pregnant.
The top New Years resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you blew it.
Everyone keeps talking about Prince William’s wild bachelor party, but if I were the Prince, I would be worried about his fiancé, Kate Middleton’s bachelorette party. Although pretty and classy, something tells me that girl Kate knows what to do with a stripper pole.
Since you asked:
Did I miss something? Wasn’t a law passed that makes it illegal to drive while using a hand held phone? Why is it every other car I see is being driven by a douche bag talking on their hand held phone?
In my lifetime there have never been more, A, A-holes, and B, more people who don’t think they’re A-holes. The B part is what is scary.
When I was a kid yes, there were A-holes, plenty of them. But they knew they were A-holes. They got jobs as driving instructors, football coaches, accountants, assistant principals, they taught Spanish and French. They became Mall cops, band instructors, security guards and surly bartenders. And they lived relatively normal lives fully realizing they were full-blown A-holes.
Now we have an explosion of rude, inconsiderate, selfish snobs, or A-holes, but they don’t have any idea they are A-holes. That makes them worse than a regular A-hole.
So what do we do? Are we going to change them by informing them they are A-holes? No, that’s why they’re A-holes. They have A-hole written into their DNA.
The only thing we can do is make money off the A-holes.
Make it a civil offense to talk loudly on your cell phone in front of a captive audience with a fine of $100. Parking in the fire lane? $1,000. Have all grocery stores include a $20 charge for having more then 15 items in the 15 items or less lane. Talking during a movie? $200.
Any negative comment about anybody in a blog, chat room or forum? $250 fine. Are you a former employee of Blockbuster? $250. Don’t hold a door or return a pleasantry? $100. Loudly scuffing your footwear when you walk? $100.
Roll through a stop sign? $500. Talking on a hand held cell phone while driving? $1,000 fine. Throwing a cigarette on the ground? $1000 fine. Being rude to waiter and retail workers? Civil offense which results in a $200 fine. Waving at the TV camera while on a cell phone? $100 you-look-like-a-douche-bag fine.
Failing to use a blinker when turning? $500 fine.
How do we police these fines? Police alone obviously aren’t doing it. Simple, have California set up a 1-800 number for A-holes, get the person’s name and report them and record them. One report, a red flag. Two times is the charm and the fine. One report from one person on another person. Otherwise A-holes would call and lie about people they don’t like. (For driving offenses use their license number)
1-800-No-A-hole.
I’m only half kidding here. Yes, it smacks of big brother, but it would create vast revenue the State could use.
And it might, just might awake A-holes to the fact that they are A-holes.
posted by Alex at
11:32 AM
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