Friday, January 07, 2011

To paraphrase thang for buzz, in the words of Mick in "Loving Cup" "It's a beautiful thang, it's a beautiful thang, it's a beautiful thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang."

Feel free to hate the game and especially someone calling themselves a playah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A United Airlines flight from Chicago to Frankfort was diverted to Toronto because of spilled coffee on the controls. The pilot was shocked, it was supposed to be scotch.

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. That’s more garbage than is on the Disney Channel.

Sleazebag John Edwards was left completely out of his wife, Elizabeth Edwards, will. A trial attorney left out of a legal document, that’s like Michael Vick getting bitten by a dog.

Prince William’s fiancé, Kate Middleton, has decided against a horse drawn carriage for her wedding. That’s smart, with a horse drawn carriage there would have been way too many Camilla Parker Bowles jokes.

Did you see John Boehner’s speech to the House of Representatives? His spray tan was a tasteful blend of burnt sienna and Snooki’s road crew orange.

Newly elected speaker, John Boehner, gave his speech to the House of Representatives. It was a good speech, Boehner himself gave it four hankies.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki said once a month she drinks so heavily she wakes up in the garbage. Or as they call the garbage in New Jersey: Trenton.

Police in England arrested a driver whose blood alcohol was 30 times the legal limit. In the car with him, 5 boys and 15 sheep. For the love of god, George Michaels, get some help.

“Glee” star, Lea Michele is teaming with PETA to ban horse-drawn carriages. You know I tried to watch that “Glee” once, but then I suddenly remembered, oh, right, I’m a straight male.

Remember when “The Sopranos” were on? My California friends didn’t believe there were people in New Jersey who talked and acted like that. Now those idiots on “Jersey Shore” make the “The Sopranos” look like a convening of the Supreme Court.

The NFL playoffs begin this weekend. This is the time of year when it’s sad to picture Brett Favre sitting in his kitchen wearing his ratty yellow bathrobe playing Jumble in the paper while blowing on his soup.

Did you see John Boehner’s speech to the House of Representatives? Boehner looks like the car salesman who says; “Can I be honest with you?” a lot.

Newly elected speaker, John Boehner, gave his speech to the House of Representatives and cried again. This is the most a politician has cried if you don’t count John Edwards after he was left out of his wife Elizabeth’s will.

I like Boehner, he looks like the guy at the water cooler who asks “Are you working hard or hardly working?”

I like Boehner, he looks like the guy who likes to shake his cocktail peanuts in his hand before popping them in his mouth.

Boehner looks like the guy who judges a man by the crease in his trousers.

Boehner looks like the guy in the steam room who says; “Hot enough for you?”

Boehner looks like the guy in the coffee room who always complains he’s busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

Boehner looks like the guy at the bar who lifts his glass and says; “There’s nothing like a good scotch, and this is nothing like a good scotch.”

Did you see the picture at the House of Representatives of Nancy Pelosi with John Boehner? Don’t they look like the couple at the country club fundraiser bidding on the condo in Aspen?

Since you asked:

Man, did my fantasy team, Thor’s Thunder, blow chunks this season. And Chunks is a dog. Hah, sorry, old joke. Should have known I was in for a rough year when, in the first game, I run into a running back who surpassed his production total for the entire year before in the first game, Arian “Effing” Foster.

This was a whacky – and still is – year for the NFL. Nobody could see Chargers, Cowboys, Vikings not making the playoffs and the Bengals collapse. And the Seahawks make the playoffs with a losing record. Nutso City.

Three things are dominating the NFL these days: parity, superstar Quarterbacks and injuries.

Once your superstar QB gets injured, ala Dallas, or goes south, ala Vince Young and McNabb, parity rears its ugly head and the team goes down the toilet. God forbid something happens to Payton Manning or the Colts wouldn’t beat anyone, including the division II team in the NFL, the Carolina Panthers.

My playoff picks? My Bears are too unpredictable. It doesn’t really matter because nobody is going to beat the Patriots unless something happens to Brady.

How about Jim Harbaugh? Nobody but a Division III team with essentially no football program, USD, hires the guy and, badabing, badaboom, they win the D3 title.

Goes to Stanford and does the same thing to a 1-11 team. Niner fans, go ahead and book your Super Bowl flights for 2012.

What the hell is it with those annoying NFL player introductions and the players who mumble their high school instead of college? That should result in a mandatory $10,000 fine that goes to setting up a scholarship at their alma mater. And stop saying “THE U.” Or THE whatever the hell. The institution has a name, say it, you mush-mouthed smoke hosers.

Smoke Hosers is my new band made out of current or former firemen.

Not to sound like an old dude, but . . .

Back when I first got AOL – and I was one of the first – it was so exciting to hear that guy with the cheerful baritone announce “You’ve got mail.” It only happened about once every other day.

Now every time I go to my e-mail box and hit Get Mail, about ten e-mails pop up and my heart sinks that I have to stop and read them and reply.