This guy, Owen Marecic, he makes us all look like slackers

We’re talkin’ Lord King God Bufu*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you know that auld lang syne is an old Scottish expression? It means: If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.

Sadly, a Florida woman died when her neck-massager got tangled in her necklace and strangled her. Apropos of nothing, did you know that Florida is an old Castilian Spanish word? It means: Darwinism.

MTV had selected “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki to be in the ball that dropped in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, but changed their mind. MTV misunderstood when told Snooki had experience at going down in front of drunks.

In this last storm, parts of Southern California got over two inches of rain. Or as they call that on the East Coast: still not snow, you mambie pambie Jack Wagons.

In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Izabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. A very rich old and happy dead fish.

Congratulations to Elton John and his partner, they had a boy. Oh, and they adopted a baby too.

84-year-old, Hugh Hefner, is looking forward to his honeymoon with his 24-year-old fiancé, Crystal Harris. Or as Crystal calls their honeymoon: the three S’s. Sobbing Silkwood showers.

Congratulations to Elton John and his partner, they’re parents of a baby boy. Attention writers, we will not take jokes on Elton’s lyrics “Don’t let the sun go down on me.” It’s called the high road.

Sadly, a Florida woman died when her neck-massage'r got tangled in her necklace and strangled her. Upon hearing this, Paris Hilton asked; “Why was she using a neck-massage'r on her neck?”

I learned this year I won’t hold Paris Hilton’s purse while in Charlie Sheen’s hotel suite while sending a text picture of my junk to not-a-lesbian Oprah.

I would like to wish everyone a happy New Year. Except for the guys in the wool hats and thumb-rings working on their laptops in the hip coffee shop. Here’s a secret: we all hate you.

As a comedian, my New Year’s Resolution is to set up Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan on a date. What can I say? I’m a giver.

It is so cold in Times Square, the hookers are offering a refund due to excessive teeth chattering.

It is so cold in New York City the hot dog vendors are putting antifreeze in the hot dog water.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more productive in 2011. And to tell the makers of Xbox 360’s “Call to Duty: Black Ops” to fix the dark room glitch after Hue City in Vietnam, I’ve hit it like 500 times.

Justin Bieber made his New Year’s resolution while watching the ball drop in Times Square. In 2011, Justin wants his balls to drop.

Shania Twain married her ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband. Just add banjos, a lost dog and a pickup truck and that’s also her next single.

A New York man’s fall off a nine-story building was cushioned by garbage bags uncollected due to the snowstorm. I thought, wow, this has to be the luckiest guy who ever lived and then I remembered, no that would be Ryan Seacrest.

Since you asked:

Here is a fitness theory of which you can totally disregard. Even at my advanced age, I have noticed a phenomenon in regards to fitness levels and work outs. In order to advance you have to have a session every month or two that, like a video game, advances you to the next level.

This is where my belief that music and fun are essential to fitness and sports. In order to Jim Morrison your workouts and break on through to the other side. This means going beyond exhaustion. In my experience it can only happen when you are in a contest, game or far out on a mountain or ocean.

For me the first time it happened was during high school football games. That’s why players who miss a week or two are so far behind when they comeback. They can work out all they want on their own, but it isn’t like pushing yourself in a game.

Or when I was out windsurfing, snowboarding and now stand up paddle board surfing. You hit the exhaustion point but because the session isn’t over and you have a ways to come in, so you are forced to suck it up and go beyond your previous capabilities. That is when you tear down the old wall and establish a new one.

And it is almost impossible to do during a workout on your own. When you work out you’re lucky if you even bring it to the point of exhaustion. That’s why if you just religiously do your workout at the gym, you’re on a long slow path of regressing despite all the time you put in.

When you do break through that wall it is important to bring in the element of rest in working out. After the breakthrough the risk of injury or illness goes way up. Saturday I went way beyond a normal hour surf session and, what with my smaller trickier board causing me to fall more and the 55 degree water, I was beyond bonking. It was bonking with hypothermia thrown in. No lie, for the next 36 hours I was utterly exhausted and I could feel I was on the brink of catching a cold. Rested and hydrated like crazy.

When I come back from snowboard trips I notice my running and working out has reached a new plateau. Part of it is working out at altitude, but the main thing is you exercise for several hours in one day. Only you don’t think of it as exercise because you’re having fun.

Playing a sport is better than just running on a treadmill. Yes, the risk of injury is greater, but that is where stretching and caution come in.

That is why music and fun are essential in sports and fitness in developing the all important breakthrough that allows you to compete on the next level.

And it is important to schedule events that give you a time limit. Snowboarding, hiking, surfing trips and races all force you to prepare. Just saying you want to lose twenty pounds sometime isn’t gonna happen. Sadly, I know.

Damn that wine. Damn those San Diego Sunsets. (Ice, Mount Gay rum, coconut water, lime)

My fitness snafu right now is weight. Yes, I could lose twenty pounds. But if you think being thin is all there is to fitness you are wrong. Today after a twenty five minute run, I did the plank (push up position except on elbows) for one minute and thirty seconds. Try it. My core be good.

In total candor, being lean is the most noticeable aspect of fitness. Nobody can look at me and know my resting pulse is low or that my core is strong or that I am able to jump rope - albeit slowly - while balancing on an Indo board. (Think wooden surfboard on a huge plastic rolling pin)

But, like I said, there is more than being chiseled. There is endurance, anaerobic fitness (ability to repeatedly go into oxygen debt as with running intervals) balance, flexibility, power, coordination and strength just to name a few.

Sunday I watched a 325 pound defensive lineman with a huge gut hanging over his belt run 30 yards down field and wipe out a 190 pound wide receiver who slowed to make one too many moves. These guys are tremendous athletes. They showed one 300 plus defensive lineman jump up and block a pass who was three feet off the ground. That’s a 36 inch vertical jump in god-knows-how-many-pounds-of-pads after playing for two hours.

Have you ever watched NFL players warming up? Repeat sprints, 50 push ups in a row. It would exhaust most fit people and that's what they do before the game.

As of right now I am in good shape to get into really good shape. That is my fitness level is at a point where I am fit enough to really start getting in shape. In other words, I am not in great shape, but I am not out of shape.

Just got to cut out the crap food – which I have done pretty well - and that last glass or two of wine I know won’t do me any good the next day.

But not tonight. There is a bowl game on, Slats and Nugs. That means BBQ marinated tri-tip and bucu wine.

*Attention women in their mid thirties. Stop talking like a Valley girl. It has been 29 years since that song came out. That is almost three decades of intentionally affecting a way of speaking that identifies you as a selfish, shallow, greedy moron.