Saturday, December 18, 2010

What's wrong with this picture? Easy. A dog would never cheat at poker. Especially a bulldog. Now the Australian Shepard? Maybe.

Lex’s poker story.

Like every other guy with a pair, I think I’m a pretty fair poker player. Played online, won more than I have lost.

So I get invited to a big shot poker players informal Texas Hold Em tournament on a house in Del Mar right on the beach. Most of the other players I know, they go to Vegas a lot, they have drunken card games after golf where thousands can change hands. They think they’re really good poker players.

And, I find out, there is a professional Del Mar racetrack bookie in the game. The guy was actually in a poker scene in “Rounders” with Matt Damon. He sat next to orange-holding-poker-champ, Johnny Chang, in a scene in an Atlantic City casino.

Nervous as hell, I call my poker expert pal and ask for a tip. I said;

“Look, I only have two goals, not to lose right away and not to look stupid.”

He gives me this great tip:

"Don’t keep looking at your two down cards. If you have good ones, you know it, if you keep looking, it looks like you’re too stupid to remember. Or you’re trying to manufacture a bad hand into a straight.”

So this game isn’t crazy, $50 to buy in, but I am excited. Texas hold ‘em, I am sure you know is two cards down and you make the best five cards out of the five on the table and the two in your hand with four bets along the way.

Get my down cards and I look at them quickly, per my instructions, and put them right back down. No need to keep look at them again. I have an awesome Ace and King of spades. On my way to a possible straight flush. So I bet fairly big.

Three card flop, two are spades. Nice. One more spade with two cards to go, and I have the highest spade flush you can have. I bet bigger.

The one-card turn is no help, two of clubs. But there are no pairs or possible straights up there, so I bet big again.

The final card, the river. Hold my breath. Lord behold, it is a spade. My heart goes wango, tango. Nobody can have a higher flush and there is nothing else out there. The most someone could have, besides a lower spade flush, is three of a kind. Me? Ace-King high spade flush.

I push all my chips out and go all in.

“Rounders” guy looks at me funny and says;

“I just don’t think you got it.” He pushes all in.

“OK,” I said, and I flipped my Ace and King of Spades to break his heart.

The King turned out to be a club.

Again, per my instructions, I had looked at it so fast, willed it to be a spade and I never checked again. My shock and disappointment were so obvious, I couldn't even pretend I was bluffing.

Achieved both of my goals in reverse: Made an utter fool out of myself and lost everything on the first hand.

"Rounders" won with a pair of sixes.

Friday, December 17, 2010

As the newly appointed head of snow clearance for the San Diego Chargers, I am proud to report we had this place as clean as a whistle by Thursday's game with 49ers.

Don we now our gay apparel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ukraine is opening the nuclear meltdown Chernobyl plant as a tourist spot; the locals are excited, they give it three thumbs up.

Hey, we Californians are experiencing some harsh weather as well. Last night it got so cold, I had to turn my ceiling fan off.

The Washington Redskins fired their field goal holder, Hunter Smith, because he dropped the extra point that cost them the game against Tampa Bay. To which the Carolina Panthers asked; “What’s an extra point?”

Ukraine is opening the nuclear meltdown Chernobyl plant as a tourist spot; it’s a big deal, you know what band is performing at the opening? Third Eye Blind.

The number one toy in Germany this holiday is a plastic dachshund that poops play dough. Although we cannot understand why German children like this, the popularity of a pooping toy dog does help explain why they love David Hasselhof’s singing.

Facebook inventor Mark Zuckerberg is Time’s person of the year. Great, now they’re going to have to find someone else to be on the cover of “Virgin Dork Billionaire” magazine.

Sadly, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are divorcing. The pressure of Ryan being “People” sexiest man alive was too much. Wear your Spider-Man underwear with holes and it’s “You’re the sexiest man alive?” Ask her to pull your finger and it’s “You’re the sexiest man alive?”

In Wisconsin, a 52-year-old mailman tried to cheer up a stressed-out 21-year-old woman by delivering the mail to her naked. He was later charged with lewd behavior. And I can say with almost no uncertainty, a naked 52-year-old man will only upset a 21-year-old woman.

Did you see John Boehner on “Sixty Minutes.”? He must not have heard: There’s no crying in legislating. There’s no crying in legislating. Ted Kennedy once called John Edwards a sleazy dirtbag. And did Edwards cry? No. Why? ‘Cause there’s no crying in legislating.

Oprah Winfrey told Barbara Walters she isn’t even kind of a lesbian. Oh come on, I’m kind of a lesbian, I camp, play softball, wear flannel shirts, bake bran muffins and go to Indigo Girls concerts. Wow, I guess I am a lot more than kind of a lesbian.

There’s a video on the Internet of Miley Cyrus taking a bong hit. Here we go, next are the reports of Miley clubbing all night, the requisite no-panties limo-exiting shot, a rehab stint, a relapse and then the “People” magazine article titled; “How I, Miley Cyrus, Cleaned Up.”

Since you asked:

Last night I grilled carne asada for soft tacos, drank an awesome Sierra Nevada Holiday beer and watched the Chargers on beautiful high def while speeding through the commercials.

My wife, Virginia, attended the game, for free, in a luxury box for a corporate party. Who had a better time?

Virg game home bemoaning the experience for the better part of a half an hour. The traffic jam to the stadium was three hours long. The traffic jam home was an hour and a half. And she didn't have to pay $30 for parking. The stadium was crowded, the food in the box was weak.

Exactly who the hell is going through this and paying a minimum of $100 per ticket. Not to mention $10 a beer.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ho Chi Minh is a son-of-a-bitch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A survey ranked the top 50 drug-using colleges and #1 was New Hampshire University. What do you expect? The students tried to change their mascot from a Wildcat to a Snoop Dog.

A survey ranked the top 50 drug-using colleges and in the top ten was California State University at Monterey Bay. What do they expect if they put a college at beautiful Monterey Bay? That’s like holding a sex addicts anonymous meeting at the Playboy mansion.

During a 23-7 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the 2-11 Cincinnati Bengals sideline showed receiver Terrell Owens arguing with QB, Carson Palmer. Not only that, but an assistant coach stuck out his knee and Owens tripped over his argument.

A survey ranked the top 50 drug-using colleges and #1 was New Hampshire University. What do you expect from a college where you can actually major in Jam Bands, dred-locks and tie-dye shirts?

American teenagers ranked 25th out of 37 countries in math. If our math doesn’t improve, our chances of competing economically in the world will go down like a bazillion katrillion percent.

During the Miami Dolphins 10-6 win over the New York Jets, a Jets assistant coach intentionally tripped a Dolphin player on the sideline. You can’t blame the coach for trying, I mean it’s not like there are any cameras there to catch him.

Did you see House Speaker John Boehner on “Sixty Minutes”? He was crying like an airport TSA agent who just missed patting down Megan Fox.

Ryan Seacrest just signed a three-year $30 million deal. And I had no idea Ryan was a relief pitcher, a switch-hitter, sure, but I didn’t know he was a relief pitcher.

Did you see that Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were attacked in their limousine? Camilla was so upset it took two sugar cubes, a carrot and a good brushing to calm her down.

Ryan Seacrest just signed a three-year $30 mil deal with Clear Channel and that’s just for his radio show, he still has a deal with “American Idol.” All that money does explain why Julianne Hough goes out with him.

Since you asked:

Amazing, amazing Christmas tree experience yesterdiddy. Picked up Ann Caroline, drove the four miles to the Evergreen nursery, got out, they had conveniently placed awesome trees in various sizes, we picked a taller one than usual. When I pointed out it was a little pricey, boom, the guy whacks $20 off the price.

There and back in twenty five minutes with a beautiful fragrant ten foot tree in the living room.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

SUP Stand Up Paddle Surfing- Maui Hawaii

This right here what I'm talkin' 'bout. I can do some (cough) of this
A fellow SUP broheim takes a moment

Today’s show is titled: “Fool in the Reign,” Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Minnesota Vikings stadium roof collapsed from too much snow. In fact, it was the worst collapse due to white powder since Lindsay Lohan.

In fact, the collapse was so quick and dramatic they’ve changed the name of the stadium to the Carolina Panthers.

According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American television shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. The only questions the Muslims seem to have is: if the Professor on “Gilligan’s Island” can make a radio out of coconuts, how come he can’t fix a hole in the boat?

According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American television shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. As long as they never see “Jersey Shore” if they do, we’re in trouble.

According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American television shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. I think it’s true. Today Osama bin Laden released a video saying; “Thank Allah Bristol Palin didn’t win “Dancing with the Stars.”

Shiite Muslim leader, Aga Khan, is attempting to restore the image of Muslims. Aga Khan believes Westerners should embrace the belief that Muslims are peaceful, kind people and if we don’t embrace that belief, we should die like the infidel low dogs that we are

But American TV shows are raising questions for Muslims. For example, who is hotter, Maryann on “Gilligan’s Island” or “The Flintstones” Betty?

The New England Patriots beat the Chicago Bears in a snowstorm, 36-7. In fact, I haven’t seen anyone perform that badly on white powder since Lindsay Lohan’s appearances on “Ugly Betty.”

During the Miami Dolphins 10-6 win over the New York Jets, a Jets assistant coach intentionally tripped a Dolphin player on the sideline. The CBS announcer Dan Fouts said the coach should be ashamed, ESPN’s Patrick Hruby called it egregiously poor sportsmanship, and the Carolina Panthers called it heads up special teams play.

Since you asked:

Sexually Transmitted Diseases: proving that the motto “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas” is a cruel hoax.

So I’m feeling pretty good. Stand up paddle board surfing is keeping my core and endurance in pretty good shape. Went for a run the other day which finishes up a big hill up Del Mar Heights. So I’m chugging pretty good and I get to the top and, pretty gassed, I check my pulse. 185. Which is damn good considering, at my age, the max is supposed to be 168.

Then I think, hell, at my age you’re lucky if your heart rate is over 0.

Just kidding. No, physically I feel about 40. Mentally 32. So I’ll take that.

Great line from “Two and a Half Men” Charlie Sheen’s Charlie Harper character after he took a nuclear-strong colon cleanser prior to his colonoscopy:

“The good news is I found a piece of Hubba Bubba I swallowed in sixth grade.”

Ahh, Potty Humor. Thy name is timeless.

Fond Christmas memory.

My Dad and I had a post-Christmas tradition of going to his office, working out at his gym, and then heading over to Bennigan’s with a few of his work pals for a beers-y late lunch of onion rings and a French Dip sandguido. Man, that was so suburban Chicago. The sky and trees would be dark grey and icy, but the Old Style beer flowed along with the laughs.

Chances were we’d both be wearing the new rugby shirt or sweater my Mom gave us.

Maybe just a little bit sad right now.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Survey puts Cal State Monterey Bay in top ten of drug using schools. What do they expect if they put a university at Monterey Bay? That's like holding a sex addicts anonymous meeting at the Playboy mansion.

My beloved UCSB finished a respectable 26th.
Gnarly rip , dude
I will call you Betty, and Betty, when you call me, you can call Al, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Guess who MTV is putting inside the ball that drops in Times Square on New Year’s Eve? Snooki from “Jersey Shore.” It’s all part of MTV’s goal to tell us 2011 is going to suck.

Frankly I thought it meant something else when they said Snooki is getting balled on New Year’s Eve.

For the second time in a year, Florida football coach, Urban Meyer announced his retirement. He is retiring for health reasons. Apparently he has contracted a severe case of Brett Favre-atosis.

Rumor has it, just in time for the Super Bowl, they are going to combine that Fox dancing football robot, the Burger King King, Flo the Progressive Insurance lady and the Aflac duck to create the most annoying and creepiest character in all history.

Some great football games coming up. My question is: what’s the idea behind the Fox robot football player playing the guitar? It would make more sense to have a robot guitar player throwing a football.

In San Francisco, Macys fired their Santa for telling a mild adult joke to an adult. That’s prejudice against comedians, why that’s, that’s comedianism.

In France, Paris was hit with a rare snowstorm. People didn’t go to work so they just stayed in bed and had sex and drank wine. In other words, nothing changed.

In fact there is more white powder in Paris, France than there is Paris Hilton’s purse.

According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American television shows in the Mid East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. As long as they never see “Jersey Shore” if they do, we’re in trouble.

Since you asked:
During the New York Jets miserable 10-6 loss to the Miami Dolphins, a Dolphin player was tripped on the sideline by a Jets coach. The CBS announcer, Dan Fouts, said the coach, Sal Alosi, should be ashamed, ESPN’s Patrick Hruby called it egregiously poor sportsmanship, and the Carolina Panthers called it head-up special teams play.

Seriously, Fouts spotting of that play and his reaction was the best sports commentary since Al Michael’s “Do you believe in miracles.” Fouts spotted the hard-to-see transgression, described it, and then responded honestly and firmly. No question that idiot has to be fired, for the Jets, the NFL and the concept of sportsmanship in general.

Whether they like it or not, professional sports owes a huge debt for their success to their high profile. Highly paid software designers, or surgeons or real estate tycoons - with the notable exception of The Donald - are happy to labor in anonymity. Pro football teams cannot. They owe their success to the fans. That makes them even more dependent on their image than other successful corporations. No corporation can afford to look like they employ somebody who sticks a knee out to trip, and thus hurt, an opponent.

For whatever reason, the otherwise sharp minds in the NFL cannot seem to grasp is that no matter how talented a player or coach is, if he is a bad human being, it will eventually result in an economic as well as public relations fiasco. How many Ryan Leaf, OJ Simpson and Randy Moss's do they need to go through before they will learn this?

The percentage of ex-NFL players who get charged with serious crimes is totally and embarrassingly out of whack with the rest of society. Mark my words, having narrowly avoided prison for breaking and entering to steal drugs, Ryan Leaf will eventually end up in prison. So will Michael Irvin.

How do you determine if they are a bad human? Simple. Find out how they treat animals, children and regular folks when out in private. (Cough, Michael Vick, Ben Roethlisberger) Sucking up to autograph seekers when the cameras are rolling doesn't mean a damn thing.

Do they hold the door for people? Do they put that little divider plastic stick thing on grocery store conveyor belt for the person in back of them? Do they go outside to talk on their cell phone? And, most importantly, do they take their allotted turn at a four-way stop sign? (I'm being mostly serious here)

How much time and trouble can it be for a team to observe how a potential super star millionaire treats the guy who picks up the towels in the locker room? Take him to a restaurant and secretly instruct the waiter to continually screw up.

When I went to the media day at the Super Bowl, there were players who I didn't know who the hell they were who were incredibly nice and those who were incredibly rude and dismissive.

Until a camera was turned on. Then most turned nice. Only the world class idiots, like Ryan Leaf and Randy Moss, are too much of an a-hole to be nice even when filmed.

Let's be blunt, this is the real world. If an NFL team - or company for that matter - only hired sweet, gentle, funny and lovingly kind people, they would be out of business in one year. The NFL -and the business world - demands they hire people who have a big ego, an ego so big it allows them to fervently believe they can compete with the best in the world.

But as Gale Sayers, the late Don Meredith and Walter Payton and countless other NFL superstars have proven, you can still be big, big, big-time without big-timing other people.

It’s time to introduce a fun new game that is sweeping the country called:

“Lex cleverly insults his own shoes.”

My red and black Nike running shoes:

“Nice shoes, Lex, remind me to borrow them next time I’m invited to a homeless bowling tournament.”

My black Crocs:

“Those are the perfect footwear for either a comic book convention or an Indigo Girls concert.”

My light-brown Timberline hiking boots:

“You know, there is no reward for finding Sasquatch.”

My black loafers with a tassel:

“Those look like shoes John F. Kennedy would wear. If he was gay.”

My plain shiny brown loafers:

“Somewhere a dark blue suit is weeping with fear.”

My brown suede tie-up casual shoes.

“Can I borrow those for Halloween? I’m going as a stoned math professor.”

My beloved brown and cooly worn pointed toe rock star cowboy boots:

“Yippie Ki Yay, homeless trucker.”

My golden brown Ugg boots:

“How far did you have to chase the giant teenage girl to steal those?”

My black Oxford shiny tie up shoes:

“Oh, my god, you took these off the dead guy in “The Big Chill.”

My black and red Reef sandals.

“Aren’t you a little old to dress like Jeff Spicoli?”

My tan Top Siders:

"Biff, can Muffy use your time machine so she can go back to 1980 like those shoes?"

My Brown Rockports

"And to think I didn't know they made corrective shoes for lesbians."