Saturday, October 16, 2010

In the words of Wally Kachooks, here's Lambra Bambra bad-assin' on SUP brah duprah. (Laird ripping on a SUP)

Oh my goot’ness, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Remember the Chilean minor whose mistress and wife met during the vigil? The good news is he got out. The bad news? He got out.

A Florida man was arrested for growing marijuana in his front yard; when asked why he didn’t grow it in his backyard, the man said; “Uh, I thought it was the backyard.”

A band, Imperial Stars, blocked traffic on the 101 freeway to play their new single: “Traffic Jam 101.” Can’t wait until they promote their other single, “Jumping off the Verrazano Bridge.”

Doctors did not allow the 33 Chilean miners to celebrate with alcohol. Well, sure, everyone knows you can’t serve alcohol to minors.

More bad news for Bret Favre, two massage therapists for the New York Jets say Favre also left them steamy messages. It seems Favre kept asking the massage therapists for the Al Gore happy ending.

The governor of New Jersey halted construction on a tunnel to Manhattan. Apparently New Yorkers were worried Snooki might scurry through it.

The Minnesota Vikings lost to the New York Jets 29-22. It was close until the end when Favre threw an interception for a touchdown. Once again, a bad decision exposed Favre’s shortcomings.

It been a bad week for Brett Favre. Even the 0-5 San Francisco Forty Niners are making jokes about him.

Far be it from me to go into sordid details about the Brett Favre penis pictures, but suffice it to say, in his next Wranglers ad, Brett won’t need the loose-fit jeans.

Singer Christine Auguilera has split with her husband, Jordan Bratman; for you guys excited about dating the single Christine, you can get more information from a hotline: 1-800-Yah-Rite.

The San Francisco Giants have advanced to the National League Championship Series against the Philadelphia Phillies. In bars all over San Francisco guys cried, hugged, kissed and danced in the streets. When asked about celebrating the Giant win they said; “What Giant win?”

Did you see the Meg Whitman-Jerry Brown debate? It got ugly, scary and frightening. And that was before the debate when they were in makeup.

Actress Minka Kelly, girlfriend of Yankee great Derek Jeter, was named “Esquire” “Sexiest Woman Alive.” In a related story, Brett Favre asked her for her cell phone number so he could send her a text.

The Pro Bowlers Association announced they will use instant replay to settle disputed calls. Controversial bowling calls like; “Who ordered the nachos? Who had the Buffalo wings? Who has the vodka and tonic?”

A McDonalds in Hong Kong is offering wedding packages. And brides, here’s the good news: for the honeymoon, you can have the groom supersized.

More bad news for Bret Favre, two massage therapists for the New York Jets say Favre left them steamy messages. Of course, it being Bret Favre, he kept waffling: I want a happy ending, no, just a massage, no, I want a happy ending. No, just the massage.

Google is working on developing driverless cars. They’re still working the bugs out. For example when you type in the Grand Canyon for your destination, it drives you to the Octomom’s house.

Since you asked:
If you want to see an underrated light-hearted romance spoof you can do a lot worse than “500 Days of Summer.” It stars Zooey Deschanel, she plays Summer, and Joseph “Third Rock from the Sun” Gordon-Levitt, both talented and both strictly adhering to the Hollywood star “One weird name or three names” rule first established by Sigourny Weaver and Sarah Jessica Parker.

It’s an updated not-as-corny-due-to-not-being-in-the-Eighties version of “About Last Night.”

It is very clever in its use of a split screen “Reality” vs. “Expectations” scene when he goes to her party after she broke up with him. We’ve all been there.

But the film’s main gimmick was the clever use of the number of days of the relationship starting with 1 when he first sees her and ending at 500 when they part forever. And it wildly flips back and forth, day 400, day 30, day 110, as the relationship starts, grows, flourishes, dies slowly and ends. No need for a spoiler alert, they tell you in the beginning it doesn’t end in a love story.

Day 10 he talks to her, day 15 he kisses her by the copy machine at work, 18 they date and on day/night 25 they seal the deal.

The morning of day 26 he walks to work with a huge smile on his face to the impossibly perky Hall and Oates tune “You Make My Dreams Come True”. His walk turns into a bounce in his step, the bounce into a skip as a huge fountain erupts. He high fives strangers, they high five him, he points, he smiles he makes clicky noises with pistol fingers. Strangers hug him, they kiss him and sure enough it turns into a full blown flamboyant dance number complete with a cartoon bluebird landing on his finger.

Cut to: Day 325. His face is the absolute mask of deep dark depression and despair. As he slinks and slouches in his chair at his desk he briefly rallies when he sees he has an e-mail from Summer after no contact for a week. It says she hopes he is ready to be friends. He re-slouches.

Joseph Gordon Hyphen Levitt is quite the little talented dude, as seen by his comedic and dancing turn on “Saturday Night Live.” And Zooey Deschanel is quite the good sport charmer as seen in her skit on “Funny or Die” called “Have a Summah” where she sort of makes fun of “500 Days of Summer.”

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hey may have been a d*ck-nozzle, but he was kinda cool.

Work it like a Shake Weight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Justin Bieber is launching a line of fingernail polish. Well that ought to stop the gay rumors.

Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham, was voted the second most influential woman in England behind “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling and just ahead of Queen Elizabeth II. Finishing a close fourth? Elton John.

A 23-year-old man who lost his arms won “China’s Got Talent” by playing the piano with his toes. I’m not sure what song he played, but I am sure it wasn’t the Rolling Stones “Hand of Fate.”

Let’s give this guy a hand.

A “Saturday Night Live” skit made fun of attorney Gloria Allred as the most despised and shameless media whore ever. To which Spencer Pratt said; “Hey, that’s my gig.”

The cover of “W” magazine will feature Kim Kardashian naked except for the silver paint that
covers her body and her butt. In a related story there now is a nationwide shortage of silver paint.

Singer George Michael was released from prison after four weeks for driving on drugs. When asked to comment about his prison experience, the pretty-boy former Wham singer declined except to say he never wants to hear the word Wham again.

Wisconsin police arrested a drunken man who fell into a river chasing a one-legged goose. He was charged with public intoxication and creating the worst folk song ever.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s ad brags; “I didn’t go to Yale, like my opponent.” No, she only lied about going to Yale, she didn’t actually go there.

Did you hear about the streaker who ran naked by President Obama? Please, I’m begging you, Brett Favre, get some help.

In a New York bar, a woman threw a drink on Kim Kardashian. Kim is fine, but she was so shocked the Botox in her eyebrows almost moved.

Google is working on developing driverless cars. Is that new? We have a lot of driverless cars in my neighborhood. The problem is the driverless cars have some idiot trying to drive them.

Rihanna says she texts Lady Gaga before big events to make sure they don’t wear the same outfits. Heaven forbid they both show up in the same flank steak skirt.

Since you asked:
Saw a great movie last night, and not just because great is in the title “The Great Escape.” Man is that movie full of big stars and the story just rolls along ending into a great and exciting finish. Steve McQueen and James Garner were quite the studs back in the day. Likewise James Coburn. And Charles Bronson is pre-steroid buffed. Not to get all Adam Lambert on you . . .

Interesting aspect of the film I picked up this time, but missed when I was a kid. There is a distinction drawn between the higher class Luftwaffe (which means air force, not to be patronizing, which means to talk down to someone) and the far more low-bred and brutal SS and the worst of all, gutter-thug Gestapo.

The camp is run by an old school gentleman Luftwaffe officer and he seemed decent to the prisoners offering them books, gardening tools, sports gear, as long as they promise not to try and escape. Well, the prisoners are a collection of the war’s best escape artists so that won’t happen. And besides, the movie would be really boring if they didn’t try and escape.

But when the British officer sort of implies that the Stalag commander is kind of a nice guy to his boss, he is reminded by his commander, played awesomely by Sir Richard Attenborough, that the Nazis all agreed to follow Hitler and should all be treated the same.

Truth be told the knowledge that Steve McQueen* was one of the biggest self-centered obnoxious coked-out a-holes who ever lived, according to screen writing great William Goldman, did not help my enjoyment of the movie.

Also saw a great recipe from my boy, Tyler Florence, on “The Food Network.”

Tyler’s Ultimate Sloppy Joes.

Buy ground turkey. He uses plenty of olive oil and spices to make up for possible dryness and blandness of turkey, but it is much healthier than ground beef.

Sauté one diced onion in more olive oil then usual until a little brown, add 1 and ½ pounds of ground turkey, dust with salt, pepper, garlic powder and Old Bay seasoning, cook until brown then add two cups of ketchup, dollop of mustard, A1 sauce or Worcestershire, honey and a smaller dash of red wine vinegar. Let it cook down until it thickens.

Heap on toasted burger rolls with coleslaw and, flickity flea fly flow flum, Bob is your mofizzy effin no messin’ wit Uncle.

What do gay horses eat?


* Goldman told a story of a typical example of McQueen. The film - I don't remember which one - was way behind schedule and over-budget and the director was under incredible pressure from the studio. After a week straight of rain, the sun finally breaks out and the delighted director is ready to film. The problem? McQueen has decided to use to time to go joy riding on his motorcycle. The poor director actually broke down sobbing with hatred, anger and frustration.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Elvis was a Cajun, he had a Cajun heart, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This economy is bad. To make money, Brett Favre texted a picture of his junk to the highest bidder.

How about that Monday Night Football? Are you ready for some sexting?

Minnesota Vikings QB, Brett Favre, reportedly sent New York Jets sideline reporter, Jenn Sterger, pictures of his genitalia. Asked to comment, Favre said “I’ve got my hands full with the Jets.” So apparently Brett calls his boys: The Jets.

A CBS News reporter was arrested for growing marijuana in his backyard; which explains why his last three reports were on Dorritos.

A phone recording caught an aide to Jerry Brown calling Meg Whitman a whore. That is horrible, how dare they insult the fine profession of prostitution by comparing them to politicians.

Stanford defeated USC 37-35. USC coach, Lane Kiffin, is not happy. He is seriously thinking of giving some of his players a pay cut.

Two scientists received the Nobel Prize for developing Graphene, the thinnest material ever, breaking the old record for the thinnest material set by public restroom toilet paper.

A sex survey revealed men believed their women experienced orgasms 84% while the women said they only had orgasms 64%. As a result, more men believe women are bad at math.

New York rep. gubernatorial candidate, Carl Paladino, is under fire for critical remarks about gay people. OK, I have three days in the “Until Carl Paladino’s gay sex scandal breaks” pool.

Minnesota Vikings QB, Brett Favre allegedly texted a picture of his genitals to a female New York Jet reporter. Which actually isn’t all that shocking when you realize the name Favre in Cajun means: Flasher.

This explains the new Brett Favre Wrangler ad that features the jeans with the Velcro fly.

New York gubernatorial candidate, Carl Paladino, made critical remarks about gay people. Which is odd considering Paladino in Italian means: fabulous hair dresser.

Since you asked:

If I was president - and let's all take a second to make a silent prayer of thanks I am not - one of my first acts of bidness would be to give an executive order that Garfunkle and Oates marries and procreates with The Flight of the Conchords. The resultant spawn would be an unholy union of the Bruce Springsteen and Zach Galifinakis. They would come out of the womb spouting lyrics that were both so brilliant and funny you would laugh and cry and cry and laugh all at the same time.

Monday, October 11, 2010

An Idaho man planning to run for state office as a member of the Nazi party, lost all of his election paperwork when his truck was stolen. I swear, this guy would lose his head if it wasn't so far up his butt.

A 22-year-old Ohio woman was arrested for stealing thumbtacks and tampons from Walmart. Thumbtacks and tampons. She wasn't sure if she stole the ones you push in with your thumb or knock in with a hammer.