Thursday, September 30, 2010

Scene of the crime last nicht
This cracks me up, because this is the exact spot I did stand up paddle boarding for the first time. Baby Beach at Dana Point.

We gonna lay the wood to the good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is still hot, I’m sweating like Atlanta pastor Eddie Long at a Justin Bieber concert.

The owner of the Segway company, Jimi Heselden, drove his Segway off a cliff and died. Sadly, Heselden wasn’t one of the millions of people who wouldn’t be caught dead on a Segway.

Rough week for Elmo. Elmo’s “Sesame Street” segment with Katy Perry was cut because she had too much cleavage, then a man attacked a man in an Elmo costume at a Florida show for kids. Now, along with Tickle Me Elmo, Fisher-Price is coming out with the new “Bite Me, Elmo.”

Sadly, George Blanda passed away at 83. He was a quarterback who played 26 seasons in the NFL. To put that in perspective, to surpass Blanda, Brett Favre will have to retire and comeback seven more times.

The New York Jets defeated the Miami Dolphins 31-23. What was with those Miami Dolphin orange jerseys? The bad news is the jerseys are an ugly florescent orange, the good news? The players can wear them to work off their community service sentence cleaning the highway.

There is a new claim that the Titanic sunk due to a last-minute mistake in steering by the helmsman. Wow, that is one crack team of insurance investigators, they got right on that.

A young man dropped the F-bomb on “Jeopardy.” Alex Trebek was so shocked he nearly fell off of his high horse.

Alex Trebek was so upset by the F-bomb he threatened to wash the young man’s mouth out with his lavender-scented bubble bath.

The Chicago Bears beat the Green Bay Packers 20-17 on Monday Night Football. At one point they showed Packer’s defensive coordinator, Dom Capers. Here’s my question: What the hell was that thing on Caper’s head? The helmets on the players looked more like hair than that thing.

Since you asked:

Awesome night last night at Petco, Bark Park, the Friendly Canines, Fido Field, even though my Cubbies lost. With my great buddies, O’Snake, ‘Corn and Ronnie-B. The following conversation took place between me and Ronnie-B while standing in line for beer.

Ronnie-B: “How come you’ve never tried the new Bud Light Lime?”

Me: “Because I don’t have a vagina?”

Not sure if you were aware of this, Slattitoys and Nuggifieds, but every rose has its thorns. And every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.

So true. So . . . true.

(Polite applause)

Lex's List of the Five Greatest Athletes of all Time:

Jim Thorpe

Rafer Johnson

Jim Brown


Jackie Robinson

(If Michael Jordan could have hit a baseball or golf ball, he would replace someone)

One of my favorite stories in all of sports is from a witness of Secretariat's Triple Crown- clinching Belmont win. As Big Red rounded the turn to home amid wildly loud cheers on the way to a 31- length win, the crowd purportedly grew increasingly and oddly quiet. So many people watching had suddenly succumbed to the emotions of this amazingly transcendent and ethereal moment and many began quietly weeping with joy and overwhelming amazement at the sheer beauty of what they were so incredibly fortunate to witness.

Yeah, but sports isn't really important . . .

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Just one more of the many things Kate and I have in common

Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell is against masturbation. There is something weird about someone being against masturbation, I just can’t put my finger on it.

A café in Brooklyn is selling a cup of coffee for $12. It is called a Grande Cup-o-douche-bag.

Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell is against masturbation, she said she is a witch and now she claims scientists have put human brains in mice. She is officially the craziest O’Donnell there is and that is saying something with Rosie out there.

Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell is against masturbation. That takes the oh out of O’Donnell.

She may be crazy, but I like that Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell, she looks like the excited woman handing out the nametags at the 20-year high school reunion.

She may be crazy, but I like that Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell, she looks like the real estate lady with her face on the bus stop bench.

She may be crazy, but I like that Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell, she looks like the flight attendant who calls everybody hon. “Hi hon, could you put your seat up?”

She may be crazy, but I like that Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell, she looks like the mom at the grade school fundraiser calling out the raffle winners.

She may be crazy, but I like that Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell, she looks like the mom who throws the big Halloween party on your street.

She may be crazy, but I like that Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O’Donnell, she looks like the bank manager who smiles when she tells the person they don’t accept third-party checks.

Lindsay Lohan is out on bail after just 15 hours jail. I spent more time than that on hold with my Internet provider’s helpline.

Since you asked:
Four words: How ‘bout ‘dem Bearsssssssssssssssssssss? Found a way to win against, quite frankly, a more talented team in Green Bay. That Jake Cutler has the heart of a Mississippi riverboat gambler. He is Kenny “The Snake” Stabler, Don Meredith, Dan Fouts old school.

But that Green Bay’s Clay Mathews is a bonafide rock star. With those flowing flaxen locks and that Geronimo profile, he is a combination of Dick Butkus and the Red Hot Chili Peppers Anthony Kiedis with a marauding Viking thrown in there.

If Nike or Rebook or somebody was smart, they would jump all over that guy and launch a full-blown David Beckham-like campaign. Shoes, clothes, posters, cologne, hair products. He is the non-Somoan Troy Polamalu. All out on every single play.

So Sunday is all time all time. Beautiful day, great waves, gorgeous water. Ten out of ten. Then I come home and it's time to pick up the dog poops.

Talk about 200 mph to zero in one minute.

Monday, September 27, 2010

This right here the scene of the crime, La Jolla Shores/Scripps Pier, on Sunday*

We gonna slow the roll down here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Montana man celebrated his 114th birthday Tuesday. If you want to get him a gift he’s registered at Bed, Bath and Not Beyond Next Week.

Facebook went down today. Tens of millions of people on Farmville had to actually get and manage a real life.

More bad news for Lindsay Lohan. They frisked her before her court appearance and they found some of Paris Hilton’s gum.

“Sesame Street” cut a segment with Elmo and Katy Perry because Katy flashed too much cleavage. Now if kids want to watch a big boob on TV they’ll have to tune in to “Dr. Phil.”

Blockbuster Video has filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Apparently you can’t charge a rewinding fee for a DVD.

What do they expect from a company whose mission statement was: “I don’t know if we have that movie, go look for it yourself.”

“Sesame Street” cut a segment with Elmo and Katy Perry because Katy flashed too much cleavage. And yet they have no problem flaunting Bert and Ernie’s openly gay relationship.

Blockbuster Video filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. What a shock, and Acme Pagers, Sal’s Black and White TV’s and Gus’s CB Radios aren’t doing so hot either.

What a week. Paris Hilton kicked out of Japan, Lindsay Lohan in court for sentencing, Blockbuster Video declares bankruptcy. Atheists all over are re-thinking their disbelief in god.

Sadly, “Jerry Maguire” director Cameron Crowe and his wife, Nancy Wilson, are getting divorced. Apparently he had her at prenuptial agreement.

Delaware Senate candidate, Christine O’Donnell, is a witch opposed to masturbation. Here’s the best part, fellas: she’s single.

The San Diego Padres who had a 6 1/2 game lead in the N.L. West on Aug. 25th are now half-a-game behind the San Francisco Giants. But don’t worry, Padres fans, the Padres still have a secret weapon: a four game series against the Chicago Cubs at home. That’ll cure ‘em.

A Montana man celebrated his 114th birthday Tuesday. He looks good for his age, somewhere between Brett Favre and Keith Richards.

Delaware Senate candidate, Christine O’Donnell, is against masturbation. So what, exactly, does she have against my freshman year in high school?

Barack Obama’s top economic advisor, Larry Summers, announces his resignation and immediately the stock market shot up. That’s like announcing you’re quitting the band and their upcoming tour suddenly sells out.

Since you asked:

*And it almost was a crime it was so awesome. Great day, fun waves, must of rode twenty waves. Came back, fired up the grill and saute'd onions on the outside burner and guess what? Food tastes better when it is cooked outside. Too hot to cook in the kitchen.

But then the night cooled off, I had myself some San Diego Sunsets (Mount Gay Rum on the rocks, splash of coconut water and a squeeze of lime) and watched football in beautiful Hi Def. It did not suck in the least bit.

I shall tell you thisn' right here, stand up paddle board surfing on a hot day do make one amass a powerful thirst. Between the sweating, working hard and the salt water of the ocean, I amassed a thirst so huge it had to be slaked with Squirt, coconut water and lemonade. Plus I love to say the word slaked. Slake, slake, slake. Jump in the lake to slake. Boom, boom.