Friday, April 16, 2010

What should we name this guy? I am leaning towards Chester or Dudley.
(It's not our puppy, I got this picture off the Internet)

Let’s fuse Justin Bieber with Michael Buble and take over the world with Jushael Bublier, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Boulder CO landlord has lost his fight to stop a female tenant from gardening topless in a yellow thong and pink gloves. On the bright side, he did win Gayest Landlord of the Year.

Larry King is getting his eighth divorce. Apparently his wife just couldn’t take it anymore when, at the height of sexual passion, Larry would scream out: “Topeka, you’re on the air!”

It has been estimated Sarah Palin has earned over $12 mil this year. And that’s just from her gigs as a Tina Fey impersonator.

President Barack Obama is proposing a six billion dollar space program that will take astronauts to Mars. But don’t worry, a lot of that expense will be offset by charging the astronauts for their luggage, movies, food and drink, pillows, blankets and to use the bathrooms.

Larry King is getting divorced for the eighth time and now they say there is no prenuptial agreement. “Up a creek without a paddle New Jersey, you’re on the air.”

The makers of Mooncup, a silicone tampon, have an ad campaign to encourage women to nickname their vagina; Lots of celebrities nickname their vaginas. The Octomom calls hers: a Chuckie Cheese.

Childhood obesity is bad. One kid ate his iPhone because he thought an app was short for appetizer.

Shaquille O’Neal’s mother, Lucille O’Neal, has written an inspirational book about her life. The chapter about giving birth to Shaq is titled: “Ahhhhhhhhhhh!”

Did you see Adam Lambert on “American Idol”? Was it just me or did Adam Lambert look like the unholy spawn of Elvis and Amy Winehouse?

The makers of the feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse as their celebrity spokesperson. It’s all part of their marketing strategy to not sell any Mooncups.

The Pentagon is reporting al Qaeda is in financial trouble. It may be due to their investment advisor, Akmed al-Bernie Madoff.

An English survey reveals 10% of women have had 10 sex partners. Upon hearing this, Paris Hilton said; “Ten? As in one more than nine? That is so adorable.”

There is some controversy as to how many times Larry King has been divorced, eight or seven. It’s confusing because Larry King first got divorced before they had invented marriage.

Larry King is getting divorced for the seventh time. The number would be eight, but Larry married the same woman twice by accident.

Larry King is getting divorced for the seventh time. It could get ugly due to the custody fight for their child: the Crypt Keeper.

Since you asked:
As a single guy, in all due modesty, I did as well with attractive women as a guy who is not rich, famous or movie-star handsome can expect to do. Granted, there was serious work involved: pouring on the humor and charm combined with diligence and perseverance. And I am proud to say, I had game to back up the talk, if you get what I mean. (sniff-of-cockiness) Oh, yeah, buuuuuuhhhhhbeeeeeee.

But all kidding aside, all bets are off with professional athletes. The same women who like to hook up in bars are the same women who are uncontrollably attracted to rich and famous athletes. I’ve seen it happen on many occasions. There is no heavy lifting involved for these pro jocks. They simply walk in, have a few free drinks and laughs, and walk out with the woman – or women – they choose. It isn't fair, but it is how it is.

One time in a distant-from-Chicago, but popular, pub in Highwood, Illinois called The Wooden Nickle, in popped Chicago Bears Gary Fencik and Doug Plank. Plank walked straight up to the two prettiest girls at the bar - both with dates by their side - and said:

"Hi, would you girls like to come back to our place for a party?"

And off the two girls and the two Bears went, their now erstwhile dates frozen at the bar looking gobsmacked. And the frickin' guy's name was Doug. This was two years before "The Super Bowl Shuffle." They didn't buy one girl one drink. And they were on the freaking defense. Imagine how much little effort Walter "Sweetness" Payton had to use? I saw actor Bill Murray do the exact same thing at Baja Cantina in Marina Del Ray. Was I jealous? Oh, hell yeah. Lord knows I am crazy about Murray, but his face looks like a homemade shoe.

When I was in some of the hot clubs in Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, New York, Chicago, San Francisco, La Jolla and San Diego in the Eighties, the word that some famous athlete, actor or rock star had dropped in spread through the crowd like wild fire; the only reason the girls we were chatting up didn’t end up with them was because only the most aggressive and prettiest girls in the joint got to them first.

Lets not be cute. 99% of people who are in a bar are there to hook up, as the kids say. The other 1% are lying about wanting to hook up. One time in a bar in Santa Barbara, I lost a pretty woman I thought I was doing quite well with - if you consider intense on-the-clothes-groping in the bar doing well - to one of the musicians in the bar band at closing time. And he was the harmonica player. Oh, the bitter irony . . .

If you want to know the power celebrity has on hot women, all you need to know are the words: 79-year-old Larry King cheated on his wife with a hot blonde. Larry King is a Galapagos turtle with suspenders. If Larry worked as a clerk in Paducha, Kentucky, he couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a pocket full of pardons.

That is how simple it is for a pro athlete, musician or a celebrity to fly under the radar, have unlimited promiscuous sex with hot women and still not get in any trouble. You would think that would have to be quite good enough of an ego-stoke, right? Not for Ben, Jesse and Tiger.

That’s what makes what Ben Roethlisberger, Jesse James and Tiger Woods did over and over again, seem so incredibly stupid. And that is, just for now, forgetting that two of those boneheads were married men.

When you combine a sex-crazed dumbass with an over-blown ego, the resultant behavior can be so idiotic it flies off the charts of reason. These guys actually begin to believe they are a combination superhero and god. The rules do not apply to superheroes and gods. Including wedding oaths.

In his biography, Eagle guitarist, Don Felder, by all accounts a sweet, modest guy for a rock star, described the scene pretty well. Basically he said take what you would imagine your wildest sex dreams would be if you were a rock star, and then multiply it by about 100. Felder said:

"You heard of sex, drugs and rock and roll? Its really sex, sex, sex, sex, lots and lots of drugs, with a wee tad of rock and roll."

Apparently there is a team of regular tour groupies who figure ways to travel with the band, either on the bus, on the private plane, or in the trucks with the roadies, and then they compete for the affection of the band members at the post-concert party with all the local female fans from that city. From what Felder said, to stay a loyally married man on the road, an Eagle would need to turn down sex offers four times each night. At least. When has any guy turned down just one offer of sex? When?

When a gorgeous, eager, half-drunk woman at a party offers a man all the wild sex he wants back in the privacy of his hotel room for an hour or so - for nothing - and then promises to leave, no questions asked, how many guys say no? And remember, this is the sex that stays under the radar as acceptable. You have to go far beyond that decadence to make it in to the news, ala Jesse, Tiger and Ben. Just wear a condom and don't say or do anything really stupid. How hard is that? Apparently for Ben, Jesse and Tiger? Too hard. No pun intend . . . ah, screw it.

To play it safe, NBA players travel with several really expensive diamond tennis bracelets so they can pay girls without paying girls. They say it keeps the women happy and quiet. Part of Tiger’s problem was he was too cheap to do something that smart. The accuser in the Kobe Bryant rape trial was well known in that NBA sex circus circuit, Kobe just went too far and did something majestically stupid she did not want to do. (It rhymes with: he hopped her in the dooper)

No, Ben Roethlisberger, Jesse James and Tiger Woods had to apply some single-minded dedication to their horny stupidity and ego greed to get into the trouble they are now in, and now they are getting what they richly deserve.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Am I going crazy or is this dog cranking a gnarly left switchback?

Getting your getting on on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Child obesity is bad. KFC now stands for Kids Fat as Cattle.

The makers of the feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse as their celebrity spokesperson. Because, if you’re like me, when you think Amy Winehouse, you think: “That woman has one spiffy-clean cooter.”

April is Sexually Transmitted Disease month, primarily because so many people get screwed by the IRS.

Reports say the Taliban is in financial trouble. To give you an idea how bad it is, the Taliban is charging men to use their camels. And they are charging to let them ride the camels as well.

A 42-year-old Portland man set the high scoring record for Asteroids by playing for 58 straight hours. Here’s the best part, gals: he’s single.

A report shows Sarah Palin earned at least $12 mil in speaking and appearance fees, more than 100 times what she was making as Gov. of Alaska. In fact, Sarah Palin is so rich, she can now see Russia from her mansion.

In Tennessee, a man was charged with a DUI while driving a lawnmower and stealing fishing poles. For the love of decency, Andy Dick, get some help.

Trouble at the Chicago White Sox home opener, a couple was discovered having sex in a men’s room stall. This is the last time they ask ex-Idaho Senator Larry Craig to throw out the first pitch.

Former action star, Steven Seagal, has been sued for sexual assault by a former employee. If these charges are true then, at the least, Seagal acted inappropriately. On the bright side, this would be the first time the words acted and Steven Seagal ever appeared together.

Pittsburgh QB, Ben Roethlisberger lost a deal with a beef jerky company after his second sexual assault charge was dropped. The good news? Ben & Jerry is going to name an ice cream flavor after Roethlisberger: Steeler Squealer.

The Library of Congress is going to enter all Twitter entries since 2006. Who could have ever imagined the Library of Congress will have a tending topic titled: “Your Momma’s who-ha.”

Since you asked:
One of my cherished and beloved many of several dozens regular aLbB readers suggested, well, implied, oh, all right, flat out told me I was too rough on the poor Tiger Woods. God forbid the senseless and meaningless ramblings of an over-caffeinated knucklehead alleged comedy writer get in the hands of a legendary billionaire and hurt his feelings.

They pointed out, OK, shoved in my face, the fact that there are many factors to consider that could speak in Tiger’s behalf. The pressure to win and maintain a high profile image, his wife’s possibly difficult and reportedly high maintenance demanding personality. On and on.

Well, Slats and Nuggliesesses, you tell me? Tiger Woods reformed Buddhist unfairly judged due to the harsh media glare? Or fugtard douche-bag asshat manwhore dorkbucket?
Let me know:

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I'm trying, but I cannot think of anything I don't like about this picture

We drum-drivin' and text-killin’ up in this for realizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Troubled comedian Andy Dick was arrested for drunkenly wandering into a stranger’s L.A. house. Dick claims he was there to make a bank deposit for Rip Torn.

April is Sexually Transmitted Disease month. As always, John Edwards gave at the office.

Former star, Steven Seagal, has been sued for sexual assault and sexual trafficking. In addition, Seagal faces the lesser charge of being a creepy-looking 58-year-old man with a pony tail.

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said; “I am the first here to admit I’ve made mistakes.” He went on to add; “In fact, I have been such a bad, bad boy, I need to get spanked by two hot-looking lesbians.”

A French beach town is hiring creamers to rub suntan lotion on their beach-goers; in a related story, Tiger Woods has quit golf and moved to France.

The Pentagon claims al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Apparently even the government bailout money we gave them didn’t help.

KFC has a double down sandwich which is bacon, cheese and cream sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. Apparently KFC now stands for Killing the Freaking Customers.

After promising to get back to his Buddhist roots, on live TV at the Masters, Tiger Woods said; “Tiger, you suck, g-d d-mn it.” Wow, those new Buddhist mantras are racy.

A small plane flew low over the Masters Friday with a banner that read: “Sex addict? Yeah. Right. Sure. Me too.” And to think I had no idea Paris Hilton could fly and liked golf.

Tiger Woods finished fourth at the Masters, but his Q-rating, or marketing popularity, has never been lower. In fact, right now Tiger ranks somewhere between John Edwards, an IRS auditor and a proctologist.

Marketing experts say Nike has really hurt its image running an ad using Tiger Woods’s dead father, Earl’s voice. And it doesn’t help that they’ve launched a new Tiger Woods shoe, the Nike Error in Judgment.

Since you asked:
Made burgers last night that actually made my own self swoon. Ann Caroline – the most gifted gourmet critic ever for an 11-year-old – wolfed hers down and asked for another one. (Sorry, Stinkerbell, I only made three)

The hamburger meat was from Omaha Steaks and they were the perfect size and shape, slightly cupped to prevent balling up. The buns – which are critical – were Hawaiian Sweet Bread hamburger buns, in the orange packages. They really caramelize well when grill-marked.

The patties were dusted with garlic powder and pepper and slathered in the thick version of Worcestershire sauce. Grilled on high for two and a half minutes on one side, flipped, and three minutes on the other, adding horseradish-flavored cheddar cheese the last minute.

As the patties rest under a high tin-foil tent - so as not to touch the cheese - smear goop mixture of mayo/ketchup/mustard to both sides of the grilled buns, add sliced tomatoes and golden-brown sautéed sweet onions, serve with a Fat Tire beer, a side of baked beans and Bob’s your frickin’ gay English Mofizzy-assed Uncle.

Woot, woot.

Tiger redux # 32
Great article on Tiger by “SI” Serena Roberts, “Playing to the Crowd”. Essentially it compares Tiger to the porn star, Joslyn James, and Tiger comes up wanting in every way, morally, ethically and psychologically. The bottom line is even porn stars have life guidelines, Tiger does not.

It is impossible to gauge Tiger’s damage during the Masters. Tiger told everyone who listened how contrite and sorry ( that sounds redundant, but it's not) he was, how he was redoubling his efforts to be a good Buddhist and family man, and he even bit his tongue and smiled and signed some autographs for kids, which almost killed him. Who knows? Tiger may have even given somebody a half decent tip?


But in no time at all we saw the swearing, the sulking, the pouting, the club slamming, the surliness to the press. This Tiger Woods clown is a scumbag sociopath, no less. Believe me, I had an old friend who was just like Tiger until he had his “I am a better human being than all of you” mask ripped off to reveal the horny, shallow, vain, conniving monster he was much in the same way Tiger did. Once that happens, there is no going back. For anyone.

Both men are mentally incapable of not being greedy, needy, selfish, grasping liars. It is stamped in their DNA. They lie even if the truth would be easier. When a porn star is quoted in “Sports Illustrated” repeatedly calling Tiger a liar, well, that is quite a situation.

No, golf writing legend Dan Jenkins was absolutely right, as usual. Tiger Woods is, as they say in the South, graveyard dead. And Jenkins has, as they also say in the South, been places and et’ in hotels. He knows a bit or two about the drink, the gambling, the steaks, and especially, the women who swarm sports stars like piranhas to a bloody cow in the Amazon. And he doesn’t pass judgment.

Yet Jenkins cannot stand Tiger nor his “brand.” Hear that, Nike? Just suck it.

Make no mistake about it, I can't wait to watch Tiger Woods play golf again. He is exciting, he is talented, he is a great athlete and probably the greatest golfer of all time.

And he is such an utter and complete douche-bag a-hole, it will be absolutely delicious every time he fails. Go blow your nose, Eldrick.
Finally, the identity of John Tesh and Oprah's love child can be revealed:

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

"Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a grill with wealth and taste . . ." Slateens and Nugglies, for your searing pleasure, the world's only Honky Tonk griller, Sassy Sizzler!

We wheelin’ an’ dealin’ an’ feelin’ stealin’ all up in here, up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Let’s review: Nike stood by and supported Kobe Bryant during his rape trial, Tiger Woods during his sex scandal, and now Ben Roethlesberger who just dodged his second sexual assault charge. This keeps up, truth in advertising laws will change Nike’s name to: Nookie. "Just Do Her."

Congratulations to Brett Favre who became a grandfather. They are going to name the boy Brett. No, I guess they’re naming him Parker. No, now its back to Brett. Back to Parker. Wait, it’s Brett.

During the final round of the Masters, Tiger Woods looked like he was having about as much fun as a tax audit. Of course, we’ve all learned that golf isn’t really Tiger’s favorite thing to do, now is it?

Have you finished your taxes? I’m not sure about my accountant. He told Tiki Barber he could write off his conscience.

Former New York Giant, Tiki Barber, left his pregnant wife to be with his 23-year-old mistress. To be fair, the mistress is pretty hot, she’s been Tiger tested and approved.

Former New York Giant, Tiki Barber, left his pregnant wife to be with his 23-year-old mistress. Turns out Tiki is an old Polynesian word that means: Tiger.

The Pittsburgh Steelers traded troubled receiver, Santonio Homes, to the New York Jets. The trade includes a draft pick, a sexual assailant and a domestic violence criminal to be named later.

The Pittsburgh Steelers traded troubled receiver, Santonio Holmes, to the New York Jets. A guy with a history of arrests in nightclubs being sent to New York. Gosh, what could go wrong there?

A 13-year-old California boy is preparing to be the youngest person to climb Mount Everest; it is a bold and brave attempt to avoid the over-publicity of Miley Cyrus.

Since you asked:

After a nightmare nine hour drive in pouring rain and finally a blinding snowstorm, we, my family, and our good friends boarded/skied powder in Utah for three days. Actually, I was so exhausted I stopped after two, but went tubing for two hours on the third day.

Came back Friday, Saturday morning I surfed La Jolla Shores by myself and came home happily exhausted, had a sandwich and a beer then flopped on the couch to watch the Masters in Hi Def while they installed my brand new grill.

Is that heaven, or what?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Just Blew It

How about that earthquake on Easter? It was shaking so hard, it actually shook Charlie Sheen into a church.

How about that earthquake on Easter? I was shaking like Tiger Woods walking past a hot blonde in a mini skirt.

A Turkish singer, Metin Senturk, set the world speed record for an unaccompanied blind driver. He didn’t mean to, he accidentally sat in the drivers seat of a Toyota Prius and it took off.

Police in Spain arrested a man who stole Viagra from 10 pharmacies. Gosh, I wonder how they were able to spot him?

My cousin had a rough Easter. His six-year-old daughter ran up to him during the egg hunt and said “Look Daddy, I found a chocolate bunny.” Problem is they didn’t hide any chocolate bunnies, they hadn’t cleaned up after their dogs.

Since you asked:
There have been two reactions to the Tiger Woods’s dead dad Nike commercial: those who despise it, and those who it almost makes sick. I am the latter.

Only a company with the blind arrogance of Nike could produce an ad so far off the mark. From first hand experience, I know the decision makers at Nike truly believe they are specially chosen people who have the responsibility of saving the world. Oh, yeah, and we make sneakers.

While not busy patting themselves on the back for their vaunted ideals and great works, the folks at Nike are busy furiously shoving their noses so far up their athlete’s butts, they can’t see the light of day. That is why they are unable to see what everyone else sees in that awful ad: a creepy black and white close up of Tiger voiced over with advice from his dead father all in a shameless attempt to sell golf apparel that is far beyond embarrassingly tacky and tasteless.

What about the Masters comeback for Tiger Woods? We truly see the emperor never had any clothes. Tiger is simply a spoiled, surly, snotty-nosed, dorkie –and as we now know - horny, hot-head, foul-mouthed cheapskate brat with almost zero character and personality who, as stupid luck would have it, can hit the ever-loving dork snot out of a golf ball.

In that regard, Nike and Tiger are a perfect match.

What we saw was two icons traveling in vastly different directions: Lefty shooting up, and Tiger auguring further in. The good news? Golf officially has a bad guy in Tiger. Well, besides Vijay and "Big boobs" Monty.