I'm trying, but I cannot think of anything I don't like about this picture

We drum-drivin' and text-killin’ up in this for realizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Troubled comedian Andy Dick was arrested for drunkenly wandering into a stranger’s L.A. house. Dick claims he was there to make a bank deposit for Rip Torn.


April is Sexually Transmitted Disease month. As always, John Edwards gave at the office.


Former star, Steven Seagal, has been sued for sexual assault and sexual trafficking. In addition, Seagal faces the lesser charge of being a creepy-looking 58-year-old man with a pony tail.



Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said; “I am the first here to admit I’ve made mistakes.” He went on to add; “In fact, I have been such a bad, bad boy, I need to get spanked by two hot-looking lesbians.”



A French beach town is hiring creamers to rub suntan lotion on their beach-goers; in a related story, Tiger Woods has quit golf and moved to France.



The Pentagon claims al Qaeda is in financial ruin. Apparently even the government bailout money we gave them didn’t help.



KFC has a double down sandwich which is bacon, cheese and cream sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. Apparently KFC now stands for Killing the Freaking Customers.



After promising to get back to his Buddhist roots, on live TV at the Masters, Tiger Woods said; “Tiger, you suck, g-d d-mn it.” Wow, those new Buddhist mantras are racy.



A small plane flew low over the Masters Friday with a banner that read: “Sex addict? Yeah. Right. Sure. Me too.” And to think I had no idea Paris Hilton could fly and liked golf.


Tiger Woods finished fourth at the Masters, but his Q-rating, or marketing popularity, has never been lower. In fact, right now Tiger ranks somewhere between John Edwards, an IRS auditor and a proctologist.


Marketing experts say Nike has really hurt its image running an ad using Tiger Woods’s dead father, Earl’s voice. And it doesn’t help that they’ve launched a new Tiger Woods shoe, the Nike Error in Judgment.


Since you asked:
Made burgers last night that actually made my own self swoon. Ann Caroline – the most gifted gourmet critic ever for an 11-year-old – wolfed hers down and asked for another one. (Sorry, Stinkerbell, I only made three)

The hamburger meat was from Omaha Steaks and they were the perfect size and shape, slightly cupped to prevent balling up. The buns – which are critical – were Hawaiian Sweet Bread hamburger buns, in the orange packages. They really caramelize well when grill-marked.

The patties were dusted with garlic powder and pepper and slathered in the thick version of Worcestershire sauce. Grilled on high for two and a half minutes on one side, flipped, and three minutes on the other, adding horseradish-flavored cheddar cheese the last minute.

As the patties rest under a high tin-foil tent - so as not to touch the cheese - smear goop mixture of mayo/ketchup/mustard to both sides of the grilled buns, add sliced tomatoes and golden-brown sautéed sweet onions, serve with a Fat Tire beer, a side of baked beans and Bob’s your frickin’ gay English Mofizzy-assed Uncle.

Woot, woot.


Tiger redux # 32
Great article on Tiger by “SI” Serena Roberts, “Playing to the Crowd”. Essentially it compares Tiger to the porn star, Joslyn James, and Tiger comes up wanting in every way, morally, ethically and psychologically. The bottom line is even porn stars have life guidelines, Tiger does not.

It is impossible to gauge Tiger’s damage during the Masters. Tiger told everyone who listened how contrite and sorry ( that sounds redundant, but it's not) he was, how he was redoubling his efforts to be a good Buddhist and family man, and he even bit his tongue and smiled and signed some autographs for kids, which almost killed him. Who knows? Tiger may have even given somebody a half decent tip?

Nahhhhhh.

But in no time at all we saw the swearing, the sulking, the pouting, the club slamming, the surliness to the press. This Tiger Woods clown is a scumbag sociopath, no less. Believe me, I had an old friend who was just like Tiger until he had his “I am a better human being than all of you” mask ripped off to reveal the horny, shallow, vain, conniving monster he was much in the same way Tiger did. Once that happens, there is no going back. For anyone.

Both men are mentally incapable of not being greedy, needy, selfish, grasping liars. It is stamped in their DNA. They lie even if the truth would be easier. When a porn star is quoted in “Sports Illustrated” repeatedly calling Tiger a liar, well, that is quite a situation.

No, golf writing legend Dan Jenkins was absolutely right, as usual. Tiger Woods is, as they say in the South, graveyard dead. And Jenkins has, as they also say in the South, been places and et’ in hotels. He knows a bit or two about the drink, the gambling, the steaks, and especially, the women who swarm sports stars like piranhas to a bloody cow in the Amazon. And he doesn’t pass judgment.

Yet Jenkins cannot stand Tiger nor his “brand.” Hear that, Nike? Just suck it.

Make no mistake about it, I can't wait to watch Tiger Woods play golf again. He is exciting, he is talented, he is a great athlete and probably the greatest golfer of all time.

And he is such an utter and complete douche-bag a-hole, it will be absolutely delicious every time he fails. Go blow your nose, Eldrick.