Saturday, August 22, 2009

Apparently New York Yankee Derek Jeter girlfriend Minka Kelly and Alex Rodriguez’s girlfriend Kate Hudson do not like each other. It’s serious, the Yankees are going to hire extra security on bat day.

Since you asked:
First of all, I want to give a shout out to my reader in Belgium, Patrick De Witte. Do you have a regular reader in Belgium? No? Well, suck it, ‘cause I do. Patrick pointed out that there is a documentary done by the B.B.C. on the L.A.. rock scene in the early seventies called “Running on Empty.”

But I am going to do my “Bring Your Alibis” anyway.

In doing the research for “BYA” I am reading a great book on the subject called – what else?- “Hotel California” by Barney Hoskyns. It features moments where my head almost explodes with excitement, like when at a backyard barbeque at Joni Mitchell’s house, Stephen Stills debuts a country-influenced song called “Helplessly Hoping” and a visiting member of “The Hollies” from England, Graham Nash, decides to join in on the high part.

The more sane and artistic collaboration parties were held at Joni Mitchell and Mama Cass Elliott’s Laurel Canyon homes. The more depraved sex and drug orgies occurred at the movie stars and directors Bel Air/ Laurel Canyon estates. Thus came the warning from Mama Cass to Randy Newman which resulted in his song covered by Three Dog Night; "Mama Told Me Not to Come."

Nash would later write “Our House” about the same place. In the backyard at one of those gatherings, in a picture, David Crosby is holding a joint in front of Joni Mitchell as she is playing for a mystified Eric Clapton whose eyes were burning into her guitar because he could not figure out her crazy individual tunings on a song.

(If Joni didn’t like how hard it was to form a chord on one of her songs, she just changed the tuning on the string to make it easier. This dumbfounded the old-school and long-fingered Clapton who was shocked at how brilliant and easy that was. It was like telling a brilliant mathematician, “I don’t like 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, so I made it 4,z,achoo,5,b,&,6,monkey,l,w.”)

After the snotty East coast folk music business kicked out everyone who played electric guitars, they ended up living in Laurel and Topanga Canyons and recording on Sunset Blvd. This was an entire music scene – many Bob Dylan and or Beatles and Elvis devotees – who were desperately searching for an identity.

The two biggest influences at this time seemed to be one who made it huge and one who, despite enormous talent, never made it big time mainstream: Neil Young and J.D. Souther. Souther wrote non-corny ballads instead of folk songs and Young had a good handle on the electric guitar as it applied to Western rock.

On the one hand record labels were signing almost anyone, even groupies of these musicians to recording deals, and yet bands with amazing talent, like Souther, Hillman, Furay, never made it. They should have been Crosby, Stills, Nash and the Eagles times ten. So it was both the easiest time to be given a chance to make it in music and a hard time to hit it big due to all the competition.

If a record label did not apply just the right marketing touch, a band could come off as too country sounding, like Graham Parsons “The Flying Burrito Brothers.” Or too folksy, or too hippy and stoner sounding. Or too heavy metal. (Remember, a lot of dire hard core folk hippies really hated the Stones, the Who and Jimi Hendrix) The Eagles Don Henley and Glenn Frey were the first to really get that on a national level. Look at the names. Poco? Too country. Eagles? Perfect balance of rock and western country.

The Southern guys, like Graham Parsons and Stephen Stills, were pushing the Tulsa/Memphis/Nashville sound and blue jeans and cowboy boots that fit in with the ranches on Topanga Canyon , but the hippies hated that racist rednecks liked that music. Meanwhile the British guys, like Keith Richards and Jimmy Page, brought their “Lord of the Rings” influenced fashion and occult sensibility for scarves and mysticism that fit the fog and the leafy mountains of Laurel and Malibu Canyon perfectly, and both rubbed off on each other.

Sports loving Stephen Stills was the first to give rock football jerseys on stage.

Good friends of Graham Parsons are still furious that the Rolling Stones stole “Country Honk” “Wild Horses” “Dead Flowers” and “Sweet Virginia” from Parsons, but he was too stoned on trust fund drugs to care, Parsons seemed happy to be flattered.

And all of this was happening in the midst of the late Sixties class war. Being a hippy was still the label of cool. Nobody wanted to look and act rich because it was against the counter culture, but that is exactly why Eric Clapton and Keith Richards were hanging out with Graham Parsons – a trust fund baby - and John Phillips (Mammas and the Pappas) and Jack Nicholson, because they could afford nice hotels, fancy houses, suede jackets, silk shirts and expensive restaurants and trips to Spain. And drugs, like coke, barbiturates and heroin, were getting heavier and costlier. And, as a result, driving a rift between hippies and rich guys.

And, I hate to say it, but I was right, Charles Manson pops up constantly as a huge influence. He brought in the biker/criminal element. Half of Neil Young’s band Crazy Horse were Manson friends. But the movie stars and the rock stars were getting rich and the stoned-out hippies/bikers – like Manson - were not and there was deep resentment on the side of the hippies and paranoia on the side of the newly rich.

Finally, in 1969, Dennis Wilson and Doris Day’s son, Terry Melcher, and Jack Nicholson and Neil Young, got scared of and kicked out the broke-ass hippy bikers including Manson. (The bikers got the final heave-ho later that year at Altamont when the Hells Angels stabbed someone to death in front of Mick Jagger. Bitter, the Hells Angels then launched an ill-fated boat launch attempt on Mick Jagger's life in the Hamptons)

Many at the scene saw the Sharon Tate murders by Manson as the first attack by Manson in a class war that was developing in that incestuous group partying in West Los Angeles. Among others, the Mammas and the Pappas were supposed to be at the party at Sharon Tate’s 10050 Cielo Drive on that fateful August night.

No lie, if I could take my band back in time to Laurel and Topanga canyon circa 1969, assuming we stayed straight enough and set them up to play in “The Troubador” or Laurel Canyon’s Country Store, we all would have ended up, at some time, in studio or on stage with – or playing at a party with Little Feet, Poco, CSN&Y, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, et al.

Which is not to say, simply by being at that amazing scene and knowing how to play an instrument - especially amplified blues/rock harmonica - we would have made it big. You really had to write many big hits on your own for that to happen.

By the time I was at UCSB in 1978, a huge chunk of the money'd Laurel Canyon and Malibu had drifted up to Santa Barbara. Joe Walsh, Joe Cocker, Jackson Browne, Warren Zevon, Jim Messina and Kenny Loggins and more lived there. Working backstage security at the Santa Barbara County was the first time I spoke to people so high on coke they could barely talk, two of them very nice about it, Jackson and Joe, and two nasty about it, Chrissy Hynde and her Pretenders drummer, Martin Chambers, they were a-holes. A PETA member picking the ass of her leather pants? Hynde really is a Pretender.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Some things are beautiful just because they are

The NFL is investigating Oakland Raider coach Tom Cable's punching and fracturing the jaw of an assistant coach. The good news? It was the first decent hit by a Raider in two years.

Overheard in the huddle of Minnesota Vikings quarterback, Brett Favre:

"Red right, thirty two t-bone cross axel switch V hang cannon slot go on two . . no, on three, no make that on one, no, that is too obvious, let's snap it on three, or four, no, that's too many. You think that is too many? OK, three, everyone snaps on three, how about five? Five is more than four and four is too many. OK, snap the ball on three. No, two. . . "

You know what is being lauded as the latest fashion trend for women? Tunics, specifically Charmeuse tunics. This just in, it is impossible to say Charmeuse tunics without sounding really, really gay.

Hurricane Bill is causing big waves on the East coast. In Virginia Beach, one wave was so big it washed a straight guy into a movie theater playing "Beaches of Agnes."

The latest health craze? Camel milk. Yeah, supposedly it is creamier and sweeter than cow milk. There is one unfortunate side affect from drinking camel milk, you instantly develop a deep and abiding hatred against yourself as a Western infidel dog.
Turned out to be a woman-beating a-hole, but, man, when he played he was awesome

I'm just sayin' I'm just sayin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

South African Caster Semenya won the 800 run at the World Championships, but now there are questions about her gender. It's the same debate every time Ryan Seacrest hosts "American Idol."

I'm not an expert, but have you seen Caster? There are more female hormones in one of Manny Rameriz's dred locks.

South African Caster Semenya won the 800 run at the World Championships, but now there are questions about her gender. You can't blame the skeptics, she did break the tape with her penis.

They ran some tests and it turns out she may be male, she has semen in her name.

Spencer Pratt interviewed his wife, Heidi Montag. It was a great meeting of the mind.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Man, did I have a rough day. I got caught in line at the supermarket behind Brett Favre who kept going back and forth on the paper or plastic decision.

Hurricane Bill is getting stronger. Today it extracted two female journalists and two waitresses from Hooters.
These are what I went stand up paddle boarding with yesterday at Torrey Pines

Gettin' wit' it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York Giant Plaxico Burress was sentenced to two years for sneaking a firearm in a nightclub which discharged and shot his leg. Now don’t confuse what Burress did with what Brett Favre did by coming back, Burress shot his own leg, Favre shot his own legacy.

Heidi Montag, a Christian, said god wanted her to pose in “Playboy.” To which god replied, “OK, that’s it, I’ve had it with you idiots, you’re on your own from now on.”

In “Playboy” Heidi Montag said she has had 20-30 orgasms a day. She went on to add that her husband, Spencer Pratt, explained to her an orgasm is when you get one of those messages with words on your cell phone.

Bernie Madoff's swindled mistress wrote a tell-all book about the $50 billion embezzler. Not to go into indiscreet details, but let's just say Bernie's stock was sold very short.

Bernie Madoff'ss swindled mistress wrote a tell-all book about the $50 billion embezzler. Not to go into indiscreet details, but let's just say Bernie's portfolio was surprisingly small.

Bernie Madoff's swindled mistress wrote a tell-all book about the $50 billion embezzler. Bernie wasn't just a regular jerk, apparently Bernie really put the douche in fiduciary.

Bernie Madoff'ss swindled mistress wrote a tell-all book about the $50 billion embezzler which, among other things, described Bernie's sexual short comings. If Bernie and Ruth aren't careful things could get a little embarrassing.

President Barack Obama had to have two separate meetings for Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton. Although Hillary is glad Bill extracted the two US women journalists from North Korea, she is upset about his extracting the two waitresses from Hooters.

Bernie Madoff'ss swindled mistress wrote a tell-all book describing Bernie's sexual short comings. Call a guy a widow and orphan thief? So what? Accuse him of stealing from children cancer research? Big deal? Call him an adulterer? Who cares? Say he has a little penis? It is go time.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Louisville Slugger Museum.

'Dis right here my sweet little Kasey-bear

Ding-dinga-ding-dinga-dooo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Personally I cannot imagine an NFL without Brett Favre, primarily because he won't give me a freaking chance.

A month after her brother, Zac Sunderland, set a record as the first 17-year-old to sail around the world, his sister, Abby, who turns 16 in October, announced plans to make the first non-stop sail around the world. Upon hearing this, teenage parents everywhere said;

"You can send your teenager out in a boat around the world?"

Brett Favre has decided to come out of retirement . . . again, this time for the Minnesota Vikings. How would you like to get stuck behind Favre at the training camp cafeteria?

"I'll have the pasta, no, the steak, no, the fried chicken, no, the meatloaf, no, I want the pasta . . ."

I'm hearing Brett Favre came back to the NFL just so he could yell to Michael Vick; "Let's beat the Philadelphia Beagles."

Since you asked:

What a day. Stand up paddle board surfed Torrey Pines right next to a pod of dolphins. To show what amazing exercise SUP surfing is, my feet and hands are tired. I didn't know feet and hands could get tired, but they can.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My new drink of choice? Tumbler full of ice, two fingers Mount Gay Rum, heavy splash of coconut water and a squeeze of lime. Never would have thought my drink would combine the words Gay and Mount, but there you go . . .
Just to be clear, this is not me, it is Laird Hamilton, but it could be me in a this-could-never-be-me kind of way . . .
This is not what happened with the Cubs one out from a win last night at the friendly canines of Petco Park. But it was fun to be there regardless.

Why does Brett Favre keep coming back? The guy is retired and does chores on his rural Mississippi farm all summer and then he hangs out with his wife and kids all night . . . oh, now I get it.

The price of a first class stamp is going up to 44 cents. Yeah, I read about it on Twitter, Facebook, Google News and in 100 e-mails, all of for which I did not pay 44 cents.

Honesty compels me to admit I follow Paris Hilton on Twitter, and, as much as I hate to say it, she does seem like a really sweet girl. An unbelievably shallow, vapid, stupid, spoiled and selfish sweet girl, but a sweet girl all the same.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Anyone still question the power rock has over women? This is the Blues Travelers' John Popper who got with Tara Reid - while she was still hot - and Paris Hilton before he lost 100 pounds.

Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick was on "60 Minutes" which is "420 Minutes" in dog-fighting years.

Vick was sad, contrite, remorseful, in other words, all hang-doggy.

After 20 years the country duo of Brooks and Dunn is breaking up. But they're not leaving country music. The only way to leave country music is to do what the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Mayne did: bad mouth your country and insult your fans who objected.

"American Idol" is considering replacements for Paula Abdul. Let me just say Paula Abdul cannot be replaced. But my martini-swilling, younger-men-chasing overly-tanned crazy Aunt Katie could come a close second.

Since you asked:

It would be a labor of love to gather financing and write a funny and informative script, then hire a film crew and then shoot a documentary chronicling the rise of rock in Los Angeles in the late Sixties to early Seventies, focusing first on the pioneers, the Byrds, Buffalo Springfield, Joni Mitchell, Judy Collins, Beach Boys, the Doors, all the way through - and then emphasising - the Eagles.

It would be a blast to show which songs were written in which house in Laurel and Coldwater Canyons. The Malibu/Zuma house where Hotel California was strummed out on a late afternoon/ early evening after a great day at the beach in Malibu by Don Felder. The living room where Glenn Frey came up with Desperado in the Laurel Canyon house that used to belong to Dorothy Lamour.

And yes, show the cause of the crash of the huge party in 1969, Charlie Manson and where they lived and partied with the rock stars.

Interviews with the key players as to what it was like in those halcyon days.

And of course all of that great music as the soundtrack.

Wouldn't you want to see the Joni Mitchell house where Graham Nash wrote "Our House?" The backyard campfire pit where Graham Parsons helped Keith Richards write "Wild Horses?"

Then, at the end, do a day in the life of the Eagles showing morning coming up Coldwater Canyon, beers and cigarettes at the piano and guitars in the living room writing songs, then down to the studio on Sunset Blvd to record, off to the Troubador for drinks with their friends, like J.D. Souther, wine-soaked pasta next door at Dan Tana's then back up to the Coldsprings for poker and a wild party.

Working title? "Bring Your Alibis" The rise of rock, and the Eagles, in Los Angeles.

Anyone interested in funding this and getting a producer credit, let me know.

John McCain Titter post:
Met with Gen McChrystal, US Amb Eikenberry, and Afghan officials in Kabul. Will go out to the field tomorrow.

Right next to this one by Paris Hilton:
Check out my New Shoes -

Is this a great country or what?