Saturday, May 09, 2009

Gotta work on that end zone dance, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

First clue
In San Diego, a 15-year-old boy testified he was forced to have sex with his ex-teacher who was also his godmother. Authorities became suspicious when he referred to her as his Oh God-mother.

Two more
The White House announced VP Joe Biden has been stricken with laryngitis; the genie then informed President Obama he still has two wishes left.

Watch out, Bernie
Bernie Madoff’s longtime secretary said Bernie made sexual remarks and regularly visited massage parlors. If this Madoff guy isn’t careful, people are going start to think he is sleazy.

It says it right on the menu
Tuesday, President Obama and VP Joe Biden had lunch at a Virginia burger place, Ray’s Hell Burger. Joe ordered the regular Ray’s Hell Burger Cheeseburger, the President ordered the fancier “Joe, stop saying stupid crap all the time” burger.

Pretty interesting
A Davis CA man claims he has invented an iPhone app that can read a dog’s mind. It gives insightful information like; “I’m spinning, I’m spinning, I’m spinning and now down. Nope, I need to get up and spin a couple more times. Spin, spin, spin, OK, plop down.”

Manny cheating Manny
Los Angeles Dodgers enigmatic star, Manny Rameriz, has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and will be suspended for 50 games. Manny’s odd behavior has been termed “Manny being Manny” but I guess it is “Manny injecting in his fanny.”

Why is that?
A Davis CA man claims he has invented an iPhone app that can read a dog’s mind. It provides insightful dog questions like; “How come when my owner passes gas it makes so much noise?”

The . . . same . . . way
Tuesday, President Obama and VP Joe Biden had lunch at a Virginia burger place. Did you see the clip? President Obama orders a burger like he gives a speech, with the same Captain Kirk dramatic pauses: “I’d like . . . a cheese burger . . . cheddar. . . with ... tomatoes.”

Not as good
The jockey of the Kentucky Derby winning, Mine That Bird, Calvin Borel, is nicknamed “Bo-rail” because of his success riding on the rail. Sadly, this success is not shared with unlucky jockey Carl “Glue Factory” Glewman.

Good move
Matt Millen, the mastermind behind the Detroit Lions 0-16 has been hired as an NFL analyst by ESPN; in a related story, Paris Hilton is giving a lecture at Harvard on the virtues of abstinence.

Since you asked:

Best quote of the week:

On the daring Calvin "Bo-rail" Borel inside squeeze with gelding Mine That Bird on the rail to pass 18 horses in 21 seconds to win the Kentucky Derby, "Sports Illustrated's" Tim Layden wrote:

"Mine That Bird has no stones, but Borel's are big enough for both of them."

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Sure, I may have attention deficit disorder, but that doesn't keep me from achieving all that I . . . oh my word, would you look at the size of that dog? He's huge. So what were you asking?
If everybody is a gangsta then nobody is a gangsta, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Package deal
The hookers in Times Square are offering a Swine Flu Special. For an extra $100 bucks, they wear just high heels and a surgical mask and they guarantee you’ll squeal like a pig.

Oh goodie
The new “Star Trek” movie opens Friday. Trekkies haven’t been this excited since the first time they didn’t have sex.

Lost in translation
A man in Davis, CA, claims he has invented an app for iPhone that can read your dog’s mind; is that a good idea? My guess is you’ll hear a lot of ; “Heh, all I gotta do is wag my tail and look sad and the moron gives me a treat.”

Singer Celine Dion is rumored to be interested in buying the Montreal Canadian NHL team. “Wow, that is going to have a huge impact on my life,” said not one single American.

Congratulations, it took time, but they finally came up with a way to make Americans even less interested in the NHL.

Long shot
The Kentucky Derby winner, Mine That Bird, was 50-1 long shot. To give you an idea how long a shot 50-1 is, Aretha Franklin’s hat had a better chance of winning.

To give you an idea how long a shot 50-1 is Mine That Bird had better odds at getting Paris Hilton pregnant. And he’s a gelding.

Since you asked:

Looking at my friend’s kid's college pictures, when did everyone start puckering their lips to look like a tough gangsta and make idiotic hand gestures and always flip the camera the bird?

And, far more importantly, why the hell wasn’t it chic for hot babes to be slutty drunk lesbians when I was 20? Huh? I want some answers or I will have somebody standing tall before the man giving me their tookus in my totebag.

Do you read me? Outstanding, soldier.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

We takin' a little Swine Flucation up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh sure
Paris Hilton was at the Kentucky Derby. Despite the rumors, Paris claims she and third place finisher Muskat Man are just friends.

Not that bad
It turns out the swine flu is not as virulent as once thought. Instead of killing you it just makes you lethargic and addled. So they are going to now call it the David Hasselhof Flu.

The winner of the Kentucky Derby, a 50-1 long shot named Mine the Bird, was purchased for $9,500. That’s less than Aretha Franklin paid for her hat.

Hate to hear that
The winner of the Kentucky Derby was a 50-1 long shot named Mine the Bird. In sad news, immediately after the race, Aretha Franklin’s hat had to be put down.

Do we need this?
A man in Davis, CA, claims he has invented an app for iPhone that can read your dog’s mind; is that a good idea? You’ll just hear a lot of: “All I gotta do is wag my tail and look sad and the moron gives me a treat.”


A biography on Alex Rodriguez claims A-Rod took performance enhancing drugs in high school, tipped pitches to opponents, cheated on his wife with strippers and Madonna and lied about all of it. This guy isn’t a New York Yankee, he’s a potential New York Governor.

Hot tip, so to speak
Paris Hilton was at the Kentucky Derby. It got awkward, Paris insisted on betting $100 on Chlamydia to show. Paris got the tip from her gynecologist.

Since you asked:
How do I feel about Miss California, Carrie Prejean, speaking out that she is against gay marriage? Like I do when a lot of celebrities air their views on complicated topics. It reminds me of those clips on YouTube of dogs banging their paws on a piano and howling. They’re making noise but they have no idea why.

Not that it matters, but I am for gay marriage. Marriage is, by definition, an institution which means it is man-made, it did not come from divine intervention. Since people invented marriage it should be available to all people who want it. It is no skin off anybody’s nose if same sex couples get married.

Having said that, why is it that Miss California, Carrie Prejean, isn’t allowed her opinion? Because it doesn’t agree with that world-beater Perez Hilton’s opinion? Why should we care what Perez Hilton thinks? How can gay people, who are so furiously adamant about other people being tolerant in every way towards them, be so intolerant of other’s differing opinions?

Flaming hypocrisy is not going to help further the cause of gay marriage.

And another thing, it is a sad day when the Lexster, or any idiot who uses a nickname to refer to himself in the third person, is the voice of reason.

(Polite applause)

It is important to remember that Cinco De Mayo is different for different people.

For example, fans of Ed McMahon celebrate Cinco De "Hiyoo."

Fans of the poet Angelou celebrate Cinco De Maya

Women's soccer fans celebrate Cinco De Mia

Fans of The Banana Boat song celebrate Cinco De Day-O

Fans of the Midwest celebrate Cinco De Ohio

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

We all about the all about all about this here all about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A musician in India set a world record for drumming 324 consecutive hours. In addition, he subsequently set the world record for beatings from his neighbors.

Paris Hilton was at the Kentucky Derby. Now we know the truth behind why the favorite, I Want Revenge, was scratched. He had a rough night with Paris.

On Sunday the Chicago Cubs retired # 31 of great pitchers Ferguson Jenkins and Greg Maddox. That’s nice, normally the only 31 the Cubs retire are the possible playoff days in October.

In Los Angeles, David Hasselhof had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. He is fine now and resting comfortably eating a cheeseburger off the floor.

Joe Biden advised people not to fly to avoid the swine flu and the airlines are furious. In fact, United placed Joe on both their no fly list and their no hair plugs list.

New York has an outbreak of Raccoon Roundworm. New York has had a raccoon infestation go unchecked because New Yorkers just thought Raccoons were rats wearing bandit masks.

Since you asked:

RIP Dom. Sadly, I can't think of Dom without hearing that annoying faux high affected too-cutesy laugh of Burt Reynolds.

What do Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Dick Cheney, Gloria Allred, and Bernie Madoff all have in common? They all have/had little or no discernible sense of humor.

Anyone with a pulse qualifies as a judge of comedy. That's fair. Something either strikes you as funny or it doesn't. People who have laughed well their whole lives and have enjoyed making others laugh fully understand this. If somebody doesn't like a joke or get the joke, no big deal. Comedy is like baseball, you bat .300% and you are in the Hall of Fame.

The harshest and angriest critics of humor never got that concept. These people see a sense of humor as a vast inside joke conspiracy that others never let them in on, and they are pissed about it. Imagine not being able to enjoy music or good food and drink? That is what it must be like to grow up humorless, and that is why they turn out to be so bitter. Not to mention sadistic and ruthless.

Everyone says; "I've got a good sense of humor" but many, many people don't. I've heard Hillary Clinton say that a million times, but I truly do not believe, off camera, Hillary Clinton has a sense of humor at all. Hell there are world famous successful comedians who don't have a sense of humor anymore. They take themselves too seriously and, in so doing, have lost their once brilliant sense of humor. Rosie O'Donnell, Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy just to name three.

So when bitter humorless people see a joke they don't like, they get pissed off. Funny people understand that some jokes hit and some miss. Humorless people don't get that and they lash out the most and get offended by jokes they don't feel are funny. Or especially if it offends their politically correct sensibility. Devout religious or political beliefs have killed more comedy than anything I can think of. Just think Jeanine Garafulo.

Take the legacy of John F. Kennedy. Without his incredible wit and laughter he would only be remembered as a spoiled know-it-all pretty boy who, with the Bay of Pigs, Vietnam and his weak confrontations with USSR's Krushchev and our labor unions, messed up just about everything he touched as President. But instead, also due to his style, grace and charm, he is beloved and revered.

So when an alleged comedy critic gets all up in my bidness about how much my jokes suck and or upset them, I don't get mad, I feel sorry for them. Imagine going through life with the invisible handicap of being humorless? Imagine taking yourself so damn seriously you not only can't laugh at yourself, you get furious at those who can? No, these people should not be hated, they should be pitied.

Unless, of course, they're French. Then screw 'em.

Monday, May 04, 2009

No me di’n’t, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
Due to the swine flu and drug gang violence, cruise ships have cancelled stops in Mexico; that is when you know a country is in trouble when more cruise ships go to Somalia..

Yeah, that’s it
In Ohio, a police chief was arrested for indecent exposure for masturbating in his car with another man. His excuse? He was just demonstrating his new self-winding watch.

Or something like that
There is a new documentary out on Mike Tyson. I think the title is “My Dinner with Evander.”

There is a new documentary out on Mike Tyson. I am not sure what the title is because the name “Reality Bites” was used a long time ago.

One way to do it
Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to abstain from sex until their government is in order; that’s one way to get rid of the pork in politics.

Worst ever
In Ohio, a police chief was arrested in for indecent exposure in a park for masturbating in his car with another man. He explained to the arresting officer he had planned to perform oral sex on the other man. That has to go down - excuse the expression - as the worst alibi in history.

This swine flu epidemic is scary. Michael Jackson is wearing two surgical masks.

“People” magazine came out with their 100 most beautiful people issue and I am proud to say I made it. I am right in between the octomom and Phil Spector.

Rough day at Churchill Downs
The Kentucky Derby was this weekend, but I didn’t so so well, I had my money on: Bernie’s Ponzi, Octomom’s Nanny and Swine Flu Bayou.

What about that, A-Rod?
Helena Roberts has written a tall-all biography that claims Alex Rodriguez is a lousy tipper at Hooters. There’s no excuse for A-Rod being a lousy tipper especially when you consider the Hooters waitresses have to perform the Heimlich on A-Rod every October when he chokes.

Thanks Joe.
V.P. Joe Biden advises New Yorkers not to go in the subways due to the swine flu. Thanks for the tip, Joe, but if you’d ever been in a subway you’d know the swine flu is about #95 on the list of things that can kill you.

Is it just me?
“American Idol” down to the final four with Adam in trouble. Is it just me or does it seem that at least once every song Adam screams like a little girl who had a spider land on her doll’s head?