Thursday, May 07, 2009

If everybody is a gangsta then nobody is a gangsta, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Package deal
The hookers in Times Square are offering a Swine Flu Special. For an extra $100 bucks, they wear just high heels and a surgical mask and they guarantee you’ll squeal like a pig.

Oh goodie
The new “Star Trek” movie opens Friday. Trekkies haven’t been this excited since the first time they didn’t have sex.

Lost in translation
A man in Davis, CA, claims he has invented an app for iPhone that can read your dog’s mind; is that a good idea? My guess is you’ll hear a lot of ; “Heh, all I gotta do is wag my tail and look sad and the moron gives me a treat.”

Singer Celine Dion is rumored to be interested in buying the Montreal Canadian NHL team. “Wow, that is going to have a huge impact on my life,” said not one single American.

Congratulations, it took time, but they finally came up with a way to make Americans even less interested in the NHL.

Long shot
The Kentucky Derby winner, Mine That Bird, was 50-1 long shot. To give you an idea how long a shot 50-1 is, Aretha Franklin’s hat had a better chance of winning.

To give you an idea how long a shot 50-1 is Mine That Bird had better odds at getting Paris Hilton pregnant. And he’s a gelding.

Since you asked:

Looking at my friend’s kid's college pictures, when did everyone start puckering their lips to look like a tough gangsta and make idiotic hand gestures and always flip the camera the bird?

And, far more importantly, why the hell wasn’t it chic for hot babes to be slutty drunk lesbians when I was 20? Huh? I want some answers or I will have somebody standing tall before the man giving me their tookus in my totebag.

Do you read me? Outstanding, soldier.