Saturday, April 11, 2009

The greatest show on dirt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Can’t wait
Waif/model Kate Moss is writing a cook book. And I am going to read it. Right after I finish Cher’s book on how to age gracefully.

Kate has a recipe for seafood lasagna that is so good she doesn’t even throw it up after she eats it.

Like that
The Masters is underway in Augusta Georgia. You know which TV announcer I like? Australia’s Ian Baker-Finch. Especially when he says Par. It sounds like what a sheep calls his father. Paaah.

How I would do it
IBM’s new ad slogan is Let’s Build a Smarter Planet. You know how you build a smarter planet. Step one, shoot Paris Hilton. Step two, hide Jessica Simpson, step three, shoot Paris Hilton again.

Bless Bill
A former Miss USA runner up, Roxani Saberi, is in prison in Iran for espionage. Or as Bill Clinton calls her; “The Spy Who I Wish Shagged Me.”

That’s what happens
In Costa Rica there were reports of gunfire at Tom Brady and Giselle Bunchin’s wedding. That’s what happens when you ask Adam “Pacman” Jones to be your best man.

And this was embarrassing, later that night Tom pulled a Plaxico Burris and fired a shot in his pants.

You folks know about Facebook? It’s amazing. You know all those people you’ve known who you haven’t wanted to contact for years? Now they can pester you with boring information about themselves all the time. “Oh look, Darryl is stuck in traffic . . . again.”

Guys, you know all those girls you hooked up with and never called back? Now they can find you and really tell you what they think of you.

Remember that weird smelly kid in fifth grade who always invited you to play at his house, so you had to constantly make excuses? Now he can tell you what he is doing every day.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

By god, Woodrow, it’s been quite a party, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How bad is it?
This economy is so bad Madonna tried to adopt a poor starving real estate agent but she was turned down.

Somali pirates hijacked an American supply ship, but the hostages escaped. Actually the pirates were looking to kidnap a baby for some crazy lady who hired them named Schmadonna.

How did this happen?
The US Postmaster General says the US Post Office lost $2.8 billion last year. How could the mail lose so much money? That figure is so shocking I instantly e-mailed it, text messaged it, g-mailed it, Twitter’d it and posted it on my blog and my Facebook and MySpace pages.

Huh? (Thanks Jane)
The economy is so bad a chimp male had to take his girlfriend to McDonalds to get her a hamburger for sex.

A new study claims male chimpanzees exchange meat to female chimps for sex. Or something like that, I didn’t finish the article because I took my wife out to Morton’s steak house.

India has produced the world’s cheapest car called the Nano. The Nano is so cheap people in India can afford to hire US. technical supporters to drive them.

India has produced the world’s cheapest car called the Nano. The Nano is so cheap that Slumdog Millionaire kid bought 5,000 of them.

Bad news, good news
Ex Ill. Gov. Rod Balgojevich faces big prison time if convicted of 16 the counts for which he is indicted. Some good news, if Blagojevich is sent away, Madonna has offered to adopt his hair.

Since you asked:

It is truly amazing the great people we meet along this circuitous journey we call life.

(Polite applause growing to deafening ovation)

While my lovely wife and daughter are up in the happiest place on earth, I am taking a day off.

“How the hell does somebody who doesn’t do anything take the day off?”

Hey, I heard that Mister Cletus “T-Bone” Terhune, I am sitting right here for crying out loud.

Yes sir, a good three mile run, a good work out followed by a grilled fillet with horseradish sauce and a salad with a nice glass – or two – of Cab and the movie “Lonesome Dove” are in this here Gaucho’s not-to-distant future.

“ . . . or four or five glasses . . .”

Do not make me come up there, “T-Bone”.

Ahhh, memories . . .

There I was in all my taut and track-trained chiseled vigor of youth on a beautiful Spring day in bucolic Winnetka, Illinois in front of New Trier nee East High School. Running due West for an after-school run towards and on the Indian Hills Country Club golf course just as school was letting out, everyone in the world was milling about, so I picked up the pace trying to look as relaxed and effortless as possible.

What do I spot out of the corner of my eye? Directly across the street, in front of the drug store, was the other-worldly lovely Judy Davison about to put her bicycle into the back seat of her Mom’s faux wood-paneled forest green Ford station wagon.

No sooner then the long flaxen-haired Judy bends over to push the bike farther into the car to shut the back door, a gorgeous warm fresh clean gust of April wind off of Lake Michigan blows her blue plaid skirt way up in the air exposing her amazing dancer-firmed thighs, buttocks and her tight lily white panties.

The next thing I know all I can see is bright flash of light and all I can hear is a deafening:


. . and I am on my butt on the sidewalk looking up at the still quivering street sign that I had just run into accompanied by the loud, hysterical laughter of the entire student body.

Yes, Slats and Nugs, its hard to believe, but I have always been this cool.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

We gonna bee bop up on outta this here hang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tough times
This economy is tough. Nowadays the only thing Madonna can afford to adopt is a bitchy attitude.

Good move
The space station urine-to-drinking-water purifier continues to malfunction. On a side note, the space shuttle has cancelled All-The-Asparagus-You-Can-Eat night.

Who knows how these things happen? Miscommunication? Paperwork snafu? Today Madonna accidentally adopted Bob Costas.

The economy is tough. Ex-Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich had to lower his bribe to $100 to add him as a Facebook friend.

How tough is it
The economy is so tough, now on all domestic flights, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, your oxygen masks will deploy for the low, low price of $24.99.

Let’s play, I like that Barack Obama.

He reminds me of the guy at the cocktail party who organizes a game of charades.

He looks like the kind of guy who gets down on his hands and knees to play with your dog. “Hey, Sparky, who is a good boy?”

Barack looks like the kind of guy who likes to brag about his killer Guacamole and Margarita recipes.

I like that Barack Obama. He looks like the kind of guy who actually watches the really depressing segments of “60 Minutes.”

I like that Barack Obama. He looks like the kind of guy who can do a killer impression of Bill Murray’s Carl Spackler on “Caddy Shack.” “It’s in the hole.”

I like that Barack Obama. He looks like the kind of guy who can do a killer “Slingblade” impression. “Hmm, I like per-tay-ters.”

I like that Barack Obama. He reminds me of the dinner guest who not only says he wants to do the dishes, he actually gets up and does them.

They unveiled Madam Toussaud’s wax figures of President Barack Obama on the “Today” show. The Obama wax figure looks like they just got lazy and melted together the two statues of Billy Crystal and Chris Rock.

In Turkey, President Barack Obama said the U.S. wants to renew its ties with the Muslim world. That’s why this guy is President, he is so smart. Here I am a citizen of the U.S. and I had absolutely no idea I had the faintest desire to renew ties with the Muslim world.

Just doing their job
People say the airlines are gouging us, but I am not sure, I had a lovely flight this weekend. The runway toll fee and the takeoff tax were totally worth it, so was the one time wheel deployment charge before landing and the price of the arrival fee and deplaning surcharge were reasonable.

And one more
I like that Barack Obama
, he reminds me of who my Louisville grandmother Rodgers would meet and say; “Well now, I do declare, isn’t he just the nicest young man?”

Just want to be clear on this
That picture of Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni doing that hug- kiss-kiss cheek hello thing in Paris is not supposed to turn me on, right?

What a time
This is a great time in sports. The NCAA finals just ended, the Masters is starting this week and opening day in Major League Baseball is so recent the players still have the band aids on their butts from their first steroid injection.

Since you asked:
Safety tip: the same inconsiderate rude selfish tools who park and or drop someone off in the red fire lane? They are the same inconsiderate rude selfish tools who then pull out without looking as you try to go around them

Monday, April 06, 2009

It is what it is until it isn’t what it is than it isn’t what it was, is it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Sarah Palin is furious at Levi Johnston, the father of her daughter, Bristol’s baby Tripp, for spilling his guts about their sex life on “The Tyra Banks Show.” How furious? Right now Levi can see Sarah’s Russian AK47 from his house.

They call him Skipper . . .
A pink dolphin lives off the coast of Louisiana dubbed “Pinky.” Is Pinky gay? Let’s just say Pinky is just like any other dolphin except he brings a new meaning to the term blow hole.

Is Pinky gay? Let’s just say Pinky has been known to spread some vicious rumors about Flipper’s off-screen partners.

Not good
I had a rough weekend. My wife accidentally switched my Viagra with my Flomax; I had to get up five times in the middle of the night to have sex in the bathroom.

New digs
The new Yankee stadium is quite plush. They thought of everything. They even have a team eye, ear, nose and throat specialist for when Alex Rodriguez chokes in the Fall.

Since you asked:
Great Saturday night and Sunday. Had friends over for dinner. Lot’s of wine, laughs, music, grilled marinated steak with melted roasted garlic and mustard butter, and DVR’d NCAA Hoops.

Sunday morning it was Stand up paddle boarding at Torrey Pines. Good session. Paddled miles south to Black’s beach – naked old folks – and back. The waves were closing out – flopping over – so I did catch but a couple.

After I devoured an amazing Pollo Asada burrito from Roberto’s washed it down with a Stone Brewery beer and, as I was that awesome kind of tired all over that almost hurts, it was coma time. When I woke up an hour later I looked like the cartoon character who has bubbles coming out of his head.

Went to AC’s track practice and then it was linguine with a pink Vodka sauce more red wine and the DVD “Quantum of Solace.” Bond will always mean Sean Connery, but this Craig guy is a close second.
And the quality of the action scenes is so far ahead of the old corny, but classic, Connery fight scenes. But I loves me some old Bond films.

We used to have Octopussy now we have Octomom. How far we've fallen, Torns and Ranchers. How far we've fallen.

(Polite applause)

P.S. It is starting to worry me that my good buddy, Cletus "T-Bone" Terhune, may have a gambling problem. He tried to double down on his NCAA finals pick of Bagadouche New Jersey State Teacher's College against Wheezer Geek Academy of Gary Indiana.

But then maybe he is just stupid.

Movie review

Granted, it doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement to start out by saying a movie isn't very long. But if you want to economically waste time watching a dumb movie you can do a whole lot worse than the 93 minute "The House Bunny."

Honest to god Anna Faris is so cute she is edible. (No, not that way, you sick dog Cletus "T-Bone" Terhune) Like how my grandmother would gush; "Eww, I could eat you up." If a hot babe could be a pastry filled with a luscious cream filling, that is Anna Faris. And that girl is funny. Her facial expressions are priceless. It ain't easy being funny and playing dumb, but she pulls it off. Colin Hanks, on the other hand, could have been arrested for loitering. Oh, and if all of those movie stars kids say that it is no advantage to be a movie star's kid, how come 100% of movie stars kids make it in Hollywood where the failure rate is 99.9%?
We gonna bust the move that puts the break in Spring Break, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nice digs
The new Yankee stadium is quite plush. In the clubhouse Madonna has her own private bedroom.

In the locker room bathrooms they installed automatic steroid butt injectors.

The new Yankee stadium is quite plush. They thought of everything. Now Alex Rodriguez has his own private press room where he can lie to the media personally.

Good for them
An Iowa court has approved gay marriage. This is great news for the gay people of Iowa, all three of them.

Nice change
Barack Obama is in Germany. It’s a nice change having a president who doesn’t giggle every time he hears the word Düsseldorf.

That too
This Monday we get down to the final two. And besides the US automobile industry, we have the NCAA basketball tournament finals .

And there is that reason
A study reveals the majority of successful dieters lose weight on their own. They don’t get any help from plans or programs, they lose weight just with their sheer will and the fact they now can’t afford to buy food.

That hurts
You know Facebook? You can ask to add somebody as a friend on your Facebook page, but they have to agree. It’s embarrassing when somebody says no. Basically they’re telling you you’re not worth the effort of a split second single point and click.

Admit it
This just came out so you might not have heard this. Did you hear what happened to Bernie Madoff in prison? Bernie Madoff was beaten by a gang within in inch of his life. Now, that is actually not true, but you have to admit it made you feel better for a second to hear it.

Not good
A court in Malawi turned down Madonna’s adoption request. First Guy Ritchie divorces her then Alex Rodriguez dumps her, then her 22-year-old Brazilian boy toy dumps her and now she can’t adopt a boy. Things are bad for Madonna when Rosie O’Donnell is doing better with the guys.